There is a quote by Christopher Reeve- on how some people are walking around with full use of their bodies and they are more paralyzed than himself.

I fear that I am one of those people.


I knew it was time to pack up my room.  I knew it was time that I needed to leave this world behind.  I looked around my room in pure disgust.  The mental illness I didn't' want to believe I had was projecting itself right in front of me,  It had projected itself all around me with piles of crap everywhere.  The worst thing about this scenario was, unlike a movie projector, I could not turn this off.  Instead the reel kept reeling. How in the world can a person live like this? What is all of this crap?  And none of it meant nothing to me...even the things that once did.  Like my himalayan salt lamp, I was losing my mind.  Or perhaps it was already lost.  In any case, it was nowhere to be found. To come to this painful realization...the realization that my mind was completely going, left me feeling worthless, useless.   I felt defeated.  I tried to fight my own mind and my mind clearly won. 
I had nothing here. 

Family and friends were thousands of miles away.  I wasn't comfortable picking up the phone to the few I had met here because they didn't understand.  I was vulnerable and I was scared.  Scared for my sanity, scared for my safety, scared for my life.

What had happened? I was doing so well?

Perhaps the event of returning from Thailand triggered this? Or perhaps going to Thailand triggered it? Or perhaps just living in a city I knew I didn't belong in triggered it.   Where am I going? What am I doing? Is all I could ask.   Do I pack my himalayan salt lamp that I have packed with me to 4 different states?? Or do I just let it go? Do I let it all just go?  It no longer has meaning to me.  None of this does.  My life here no longer has meaning.  I'm scared and I'm alone. 


I packed my himalyan salt lamp up with my items to be donated.  I gave it away to the less fortunate.  Perhaps they will find more use out of it than I have or ever will.  I know what is wrong with me. 
I'm stripping away to nothing. 
Is this depression?God I hope not.  Well..I guess it is in some sense, but it's the stripping away for the better things, or betting things I hope.  Have I gone mad?
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Ever since my most recent breakdown back in 2014, I feel as though I'm a different person and truth is I am.  I'm asked quite often why I moved to San Francisco.  Truth is.  I was hoping for a better life.  I was hoping for change to a more positive direction.  I was hoping for sun, for warmth, etc.  Little did I know that in the short time I was here, I'd experience more traumatic experiences than I bargained for and little did I know how cold it actually got in SF.


It feels as though my search for happiness is similar to the search for drugs.  I can understand why drug addicts, why food addicts, why any kind of addict are the way they are.  We are all similar in that need to fill that void; fill the emptiness, the crater in our souls.  Why do I feel so empty? Is this really biological? Or is it perhaps due to just having low self esteem, lack of confidence?  Maybe it's both.


As of December of last year, I had gotten off my meds.   I wanted to believe that I didn't need to be on pharamceutical meds because in reality, I don't believe they were really helping and I didn't believe what I was experiencing was biological, but more situational.   My doctor was on board with my decision as I made a strong point as to why I didn't want to be on meds anymore.  These pills won't fix my self esteem, my lack of intelligence, and everything else that is wrong with me.  These pills only are a bandaid.  I was wanting to strip the bandaid away and let there be natural healing, but perhaps I'm realizing that maybe I do need that permanent bandaid. Too bad there weren't pills to help with common sense, self esteem/confidence, intelligence etc.
I know this is awful to say, but I'm sure many who have mental illness can agree with me.  I wish it were cancer than Mental illness.  If it were up to me, I'd sign up for euthanasia and donate my organs to people who are making a much bigger impact on this world than I am.  Mental illness kills no matter what.