Past life

 I finally made it home yesterday after spending the last 3 months in 4 different psych wards.  I wrote my last blog on the 16th of February and the next day I was sent to the ER again.  I was in day program and told the facilitator that I just wanted to be euthanized. She then said that I had to go to the ER- and I refused.  "I'd only go if they are going to euthanize me" I told her.  I had a choice- go myself or go by force. I gave in.  I had to see my therapist at the program before being sent to the ER for screening purposes.  While he left the room, I grabbed my lanyard and wrapped it around my neck pulling with great force. I just wanted to die. Sure enough he came back moments later, at first he didn't see what I was doing, as he sat down and typed away.  It took a good amount of time before he realized what I was doing and attempted to force my hands away.  I wouldn't budge. I wanted it to end.  Sure enough I gave in- I realized my plan won't work- and I gave up.  I was then escorted up to the ER.  While in the room, the first thing I noticed were cords.  Yes..I thought.  I was desperate.  I sat in the hospital chair- practically lifeless.  It was as if a demon took over my body.  My eyes wandered over to the plug- Do it the voice inside of me said. So, trying to be as secretively sneaky as I could I grabbed hold of the plug.  The nurse that was in the room darted up and grabbed the cord.  Goddammit I thought as she took it away.  My eyes looked about to see what else I could use- another cord, the sharp container, the outlet. I had so many options or so I thought, but the nurse was now watching me like a hawk.  Godddamnit.  Why won't they just euthanize me- It's that simple!



  I thought the psych ward experience back in 2006 would be my last; boy was I wrong.  It's sad knowing that about 6 months ago I was reminiscing about the psych ward experience and how grateful I was to not have an episode since and not be suicidal.  Then, as the saying goes- like a ton of bricks- it hit me and it hit me hard.  I learned the hard way that to go natural when you have a mental illness is really difficult.  I thought I could be my own pharmacist/doctor because I wanted to be the one in control of my own health.  I don't like the idea of not knowing how to heal my own body. I've had a hard time trusting doctors.  A lot of this is caused by trauma I experienced while being treated in the medical field.

In this one situation- a doctor broke my hymen and tested me for STDS when I was still a virgin.  Not cool- especially since I told nurses and paramedics that I never had sex when they asked if I was pregnant.  However, when the doctor came in and asked me if I was sexually active- I said yes. I was confused. I  didn't understand the real meaning of sexual active.  Who knew kissing or making out wasn't  a form of sexual activity. I understand I may have put myself under the bus at that time, but I was really naive and innocent.  (I didn't understand sex despite what was taught in school. I honestly thought I would be a nun so I never paid attention in Health class on sex, drugs, etc.) To give an example of how naive and innocent I was- my sister  told me what a blow job was at age 18, she was 13.  I didn't know what masturbation really was about until I was 24.
So looking back,  I didn't understand why they didn't confront me and more importantly I didn't understand why they didn't explain why they were jabbing with a lot of force what seemed like a long metal sword up my vagina....in and out...in and out.   I squirmed and screamed on the top of my lungs FUCKING A, only to be yelled at to stay still.  This night still haunts me to this day.  It doesn't help either the fact that by the time I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend of 1.5 years a year after this incident, he broke up with me a week later. I must have been that good!

Another medical field experience I had was when I had a pulmonary embolism caused by birth control when I was 24.  I won't go into much details regarding this, but I had a pulmonary embolism, gallstone attack (which later led me to get my gallbladder out), and kidney stones.  It took me 4 visits to the ER before they finally evaluated and found that this was all going on in my body.  The story of this one would take up a whole blog.

It's interesting how suppressing such incidents/forcing yourself to not believe they even happened  will come back and bite you in the ass.  Since moving home, I've been reminded of all my skeletons and demons in my closet- from this incident to being raped, to being bullied, to failing miserably at dancing to being sexually harassed by a therapist to many other situations.  Being home reminds me of the  time I was five years old where an adult neighbor told me I was ugly, stupid and wouldn't amount to anything.  When most people would have used those venomous words as fuel to a fire burning within their soul, I absorbed those words and made them my own and have  been believing that that's all I am all of this time.  It's sad that some of the baggage we carry around goes back to our innocent years as children.  I feel as though the purpose of living as an adult is to undo and let go of all the shit that happened to you as a child.  Sometimes I can't help but think, suicide is more of a reset button. It's sick what your mind can come up with. 

The makings of a Depressed mind

I feel extremely down.  I just don't know what to do anymore with my life. I'm 30 and just moved back at home.  Home is where all the demons that were once in hiding have come out and now  reveal themselves.  I've been running away from this place for over 7 years, and the fact that I'm back to square one just slowly kills me.  I'm reminded of all my failures.  I'm reminded of all the bullying.  The geographic cure was only temporary.  Before I moved home I was living on top of a mountain in a secluded community in Colorado at a retreat center that was quite cult like. I ended up in a psych ward for a 72 hour hold for suicidal ideation. I wanted to stab myself in the carotid artery with a broken Pelligrino glass bottle.  I wanted to use the top portion of the broken bottle and then rest it on the ground and put my body weight on it stabbing my sternum as well.  My plan was to do this high up in the mountains away from everybody, hoping that nobody would find me.  I wanted my body to decompose into the earth.
A month prior to this suicide ideation, I had another one. I was heading home for vacation and that morning I was planning on going home to take my father's blood pressure pills and drink bleach with it.  I have fairly low blood pressure to begin with, normally it's 90/50. I just wanted to make sure that I would die and there wouldn't be any chance of survival.  These plans never made it into action. Turns out after the psych ward in Colorado- I ended up moving home in early January.  By mid January, I was back in the emergency room for major depression and again, not wanting to live.  I was then placed in a psych ward yet again, This time I was held for 12 days. I got out about 1.5 weeks ago. I don't feel much different- still fantasizing that I die.  I try to bargain with God on a daily basis.  I beg him to take my soul instead of someone else's. I wish he would let those who fight to live live and those who fight to die, die. I don't get why a bargain can't be made. Even with the devil it can't be made.  I'm told that I haven't lived my purpose yet, but what is my purpose?   I just feel as though my purpose is to allow others to live off of me and my disease- drs. psychiatrist, psychologists, pharmaceutical companies. I have no more to give, I am broken, destroyed.  Who wants to be with someone like me? I don't even want to be me anymore. 

Shredded Heart

Paralyzed
By self doubt
I fear as though
there is no way out
Break me out
Out of these chains
Please help me
I am going  insane
My world is now
Full of delusions
Ending my life is the only conclusion
For I no longer want to feel
This pain is too much I can not heal

Please help me
 I can't take this pain
God just lay me to rest
And let it rain
Let the tears of the angels fall to the ground
Let my spirit be free and sent  homeward bound
Goodbye to you all
I'm sorry to go
But a shredded heart is too hard to sew. 

Desperate

Life falling apart
I don't know where to start
My soul feels dead
And my heart is stone
In a superficial world
I am left all alone
Help me God
Help me survive
Please teach me how to be alive
This place is filled with such vanity
Help me out of this insanity
Show me someone who knows how to love
Please send me guidance from above

Chemical Dependency

Thinking too much
I'm out of touch
I don't know what's real
I don't know how to feel
Trapped inside a fucked up mind
Thinking the world outside is unkind
When will I see the light of day?
When will everything be okay?
How is one supposed to cope
In a world fucked up there is no hope.
Take  the pills to mend the pain
Take the pills to keep from going insane

Fucked up Mind-

What will come of this fine day
When my own universe darkens
Because the light that shines upon me
Is now obscured by the negativity
that has captivated my soul
I can no longer feel love
I can no longer see light
 I can no longer fight this fight to live
I can no longer be the me
 I've been striving to be
Because I'm now victim to a disease
Created by my own fucking mind

Lies-

I just needed to get through to you
But you were too busy
I no longer knew what to do
Don't you understand
 I needed you as my man
To be around and comfort me
To rub my heart and put me at ease
But I guess I was too stupid and too blind to see
That all of this time I was  living in some fantasy
Unaware that you've been lying to me. 
In reality,
 I no longer mattered much to you
I was just one of the chosen few
To get caught up in all of your lies
Year by year oh how the time flies
All this time being caught in your lies


Lies. Your whole life is made up of lies
And I was too stupid and blind to see
That this whole time you were just lying to me
Please go away and set me free
Because I can no longer take any more of your lies
Lies. Your whole life is made up of lies
Lie after lie- my soul slowly dies.


Can't you see what you've done to me
I no longer know what to believe
I'm too paralyzed to even breathe
Because all you have done is lie to me
Lies. Your whole life is made up of lies.
 Lies. Lies. Because of you my soul slowly dies.






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