Pulling Petals.

Although I wish I could take credit for the following poem, it wasn't me who wrote it. It was written by a woman named Allison Chambers Coxsey and it is my favorite poem of all time.

The Rose 

Slowly pulling petals,

From a sweet and fragrant rose;

Watching them fall from my fingertips,

Like winter's falling snow. 

Knowing that each petal,

Protects the rose's heart,

Still I pull them one by one, 

Gently taking it apart.

Then when the petals are all gone, 

The last one on the ground,

I see at last the tender heart,

Of the fragrant rose I found. 

Just as slowly, 

you are pulling every petal from my heart;

With every look and every touch,

Gently taking me apart.

You know with every petal,

You see right to my soul, 

But yet you pull them one by one,

No longer am I whole 

Now that the petals are all gone,

With all defenses down. 

You see at last the tender heart,

Of the fragrant rose you found. 

 Today I had my one-on-one therapy session with my individual therapist.  While in the session, I mentioned something about not being normal.  My therapist stopped me before I continued on and asked me "What is normal?"  I wasn't able to come up with a quick response so my homework right now is to figure out what normal is to me.  My homework right now is to delve deep into my thoughts and beliefs...to pull the petals apart and find my core thought as to what I think normal is.

Normal to me is perfection. I know...I know...distorted thought. And, although I attempt to grasp onto the idea that nobody is perfect and that this thought is distorted, my mind/ego (whatever you want to call it) wants to think otherwise and tell me that of course there is such a thing as perfection.  The poem above is perfect, 4.0 in college is perfection, scoring a 1600 (or whatever the scores are on entrance exams-SAT and GRE) is perfection.   Winning a gold medal/first in any competition is perfection.  Having a perfect body is perfection.  Being stable is perfection.  

Since people are able to accomplish all of this...doesn't that make them perfect?  With such perfections, people are easily labeled as smart/intelligent, really good/a pro, or hot/sexy and it's proven by objective and subjective criteria.  This all validates my mind's way of thinking- there are people who are perfect.  (Although realistically, these people are above normal/above average...for some reason I want my mind to believe they are the norm.   I think I want it to be the norm so that there is some unrealistic hope for me to achieve this.  Or...maybe I'm fearful that what "normal" actual is is too boring). 

I look at my older sister and can't help but think that she is total perfection.  She has the brains, the looks, the personality, the healthy mind.   She did very well in Irish Dancing, she went to a very prestigious college ,earned a 4.0, got her Masters...and could do anything...she has the brains for it.  She was popular, well liked etc.   It just seems as though everything came so naturally to her...even working hard seemed natural.  She was always a hard worker; she always read, always practiced etc.  She was/is just a natural in a variety of fields with hard working being #1. 

And then there is me.

Dumb as a pile of bricks, not too athletic; I lack coordination, I'm emotionally unstable, etc. (Talk about pulling petals apart...I'm more like shredding them apart).  Although I do work hard, I'm doing something wrong because I'm still on the same hamster wheel I've been on for a long time.  In my teenage years, I thought I was smart.  (Maybe it had to do with the fact that my prefrontal cortex was not fully developed).   I was saving money, volunteering, attempted to think rationally and somewhere along the line... I lost my mind. Maybe it happened when I started living the life I "should be living"...taking the classes I "should" be taking that would help me get into college. 

I remember before my senior year, I was wanting to take a keyboarding class and some other fun elective.  However, the pressure of taking "real" classes was put on.  "Schools are going to look at what classes you take.  Physics is going to be more appealing to colleges than keyboarding" my counselor said.  So..what did I do? Yep...switched to Physics...and why?? Because when people tell me to jump...I jump. After I jump..I then ask if it was high enough.  

I'll never be able to pinpoint the moment or event where I lost my mind completely because there are too many factors that led to it...and there have been too many times that I've lost it.  However, what I am able to pinpoint is that somewhere I became jaded and made my thoughts and emotions facts, which has caused me all types of problems with my thinking...such as my thought/belief of what "normal" is. 

So..on a somewhat related topic..I feel as though I had a bit of an epiphany while running today after program.  I came to the conclusion that the reason why I may have body image issues is because my body is the only thing I feel as though I have control over.  I can not control my intelligence because you either have it or you don't and I don't.   I've heard in the past that if you don't have the brains, you best have the looks. I strive to have the perfect look that I can not possibly achieve...unless I get plastic surgery.  (Knowing the type of person I am, I'll be finding something to fix all of the time and have body parts that end up looking like Michael Jackson's nose).  I always wanted the model look, which of course is impossible to get when you are not model material (or when you don't do drugs).  So...I don't have the brains...I don't have the looks- and when I'm told I look pretty or anything...I say it's all makeup. And now that I'm getting older, my looks are fading.   I know I have artistic abilities.  But don't most people? Besides...artistic abilities don't really get people anywhere...it's the brains and looks that get people far.  It's the brains and looks that create perfection...it's the brains and looks that create the "norm."

Welcome to my mind!

Thank you for reading!