The makings of a Depressed mind

I feel extremely down.  I just don't know what to do anymore with my life. I'm 30 and just moved back at home.  Home is where all the demons that were once in hiding have come out and now  reveal themselves.  I've been running away from this place for over 7 years, and the fact that I'm back to square one just slowly kills me.  I'm reminded of all my failures.  I'm reminded of all the bullying.  The geographic cure was only temporary.  Before I moved home I was living on top of a mountain in a secluded community in Colorado at a retreat center that was quite cult like. I ended up in a psych ward for a 72 hour hold for suicidal ideation. I wanted to stab myself in the carotid artery with a broken Pelligrino glass bottle.  I wanted to use the top portion of the broken bottle and then rest it on the ground and put my body weight on it stabbing my sternum as well.  My plan was to do this high up in the mountains away from everybody, hoping that nobody would find me.  I wanted my body to decompose into the earth.
A month prior to this suicide ideation, I had another one. I was heading home for vacation and that morning I was planning on going home to take my father's blood pressure pills and drink bleach with it.  I have fairly low blood pressure to begin with, normally it's 90/50. I just wanted to make sure that I would die and there wouldn't be any chance of survival.  These plans never made it into action. Turns out after the psych ward in Colorado- I ended up moving home in early January.  By mid January, I was back in the emergency room for major depression and again, not wanting to live.  I was then placed in a psych ward yet again, This time I was held for 12 days. I got out about 1.5 weeks ago. I don't feel much different- still fantasizing that I die.  I try to bargain with God on a daily basis.  I beg him to take my soul instead of someone else's. I wish he would let those who fight to live live and those who fight to die, die. I don't get why a bargain can't be made. Even with the devil it can't be made.  I'm told that I haven't lived my purpose yet, but what is my purpose?   I just feel as though my purpose is to allow others to live off of me and my disease- drs. psychiatrist, psychologists, pharmaceutical companies. I have no more to give, I am broken, destroyed.  Who wants to be with someone like me? I don't even want to be me anymore. 

Shredded Heart

Paralyzed
By self doubt
I fear as though
there is no way out
Break me out
Out of these chains
Please help me
I am going  insane
My world is now
Full of delusions
Ending my life is the only conclusion
For I no longer want to feel
This pain is too much I can not heal

Please help me
 I can't take this pain
God just lay me to rest
And let it rain
Let the tears of the angels fall to the ground
Let my spirit be free and sent  homeward bound
Goodbye to you all
I'm sorry to go
But a shredded heart is too hard to sew. 

Desperate

Life falling apart
I don't know where to start
My soul feels dead
And my heart is stone
In a superficial world
I am left all alone
Help me God
Help me survive
Please teach me how to be alive
This place is filled with such vanity
Help me out of this insanity
Show me someone who knows how to love
Please send me guidance from above

Chemical Dependency

Thinking too much
I'm out of touch
I don't know what's real
I don't know how to feel
Trapped inside a fucked up mind
Thinking the world outside is unkind
When will I see the light of day?
When will everything be okay?
How is one supposed to cope
In a world fucked up there is no hope.
Take  the pills to mend the pain
Take the pills to keep from going insane

Fucked up Mind-

What will come of this fine day
When my own universe darkens
Because the light that shines upon me
Is now obscured by the negativity
that has captivated my soul
I can no longer feel love
I can no longer see light
 I can no longer fight this fight to live
I can no longer be the me
 I've been striving to be
Because I'm now victim to a disease
Created by my own fucking mind

Lies-

I just needed to get through to you
But you were too busy
I no longer knew what to do
Don't you understand
 I needed you as my man
To be around and comfort me
To rub my heart and put me at ease
But I guess I was too stupid and too blind to see
That all of this time I was  living in some fantasy
Unaware that you've been lying to me. 
In reality,
 I no longer mattered much to you
I was just one of the chosen few
To get caught up in all of your lies
Year by year oh how the time flies
All this time being caught in your lies


Lies. Your whole life is made up of lies
And I was too stupid and blind to see
That this whole time you were just lying to me
Please go away and set me free
Because I can no longer take any more of your lies
Lies. Your whole life is made up of lies
Lie after lie- my soul slowly dies.


Can't you see what you've done to me
I no longer know what to believe
I'm too paralyzed to even breathe
Because all you have done is lie to me
Lies. Your whole life is made up of lies.
 Lies. Lies. Because of you my soul slowly dies.






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Exes

I can't rely on you
With anything
You say you're going to do
You only push me far away
 I can no longer beg you to stay
 For now  it's time I'm done
This life is no longer fun
With all the abuse you put me through
I've learned to no longer care for you
Although it stings my soul
And breaks my heart in two
It's best if we part
And make a brand new start
For you no longer make me whole
When you don't even know your own soul
Please get out of my fucking head
I have to make believe you are dead

Heart Broken Short poems 2013/14

Heart break

A heart too large
It beaks the sternum
All around, there is nothing but burning
For your heart is pierced by the jagged broken bones
It  causes you to shout out moans
Your time has come and you take your last breath
This pierced broken heart has caused this death.



Numb

I've drifted apart
Can't find my own heart
I can no longer feel
I can no longer deal
For the pain has numbed my whole existence. 


Burn
When will it end?
When will my heart mend?
Beaten and bruised
I'm no longer amused
Of this life I lead



Break ups

There is nothing to hold onto anymore
I've given up on trying to keep score
 I raise the  white flag and I raise it high
This is my way of saying goodbye
So please go away and leave me alone
Don't even bother walking me home
My heart is left shattered about on the ground
And not all of the pieces can be found