I had another ER visit. Luckily this didn't lead to another psych ward visit, but it came close. It turns out that I will be going to another Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) starting on Monday.
I feel miserable...I feel misery. I feel life dragging on so slowly. When will it end is a question I keep asking myself. I stare at the clocks and wonder when things will just end..never enjoying the present moment. Just constantly looking only to see 1 minute, 3 minutes, 10 minutes have gone by. I just don't seem to have mind, body and soul connection. It just seems as though negativity has taken over...it has hijacked everything. I have trouble concentrating. I have trouble processing. I just have trouble living. I feel dull, especially intellectually. I feel as though I lack intelligence. I feel like I'm having a hard time learning. I have a hard time communicating. I have a hard time expressing. I feel so stupid because I don't have strong vocabulary. I have to look up everything. I forget things. I just feel stupid. I wish I were intelligent.
I feel as though the more I live, the more money is wasted...the more bills pile up. I wonder what the point of living is if I'm just struggling to survive. If I'm just constantly trying to play catch up. When will I catch up. When will I be ahead of the game...not drowning?
