Sunday, August 3, 2014

Set Back

So  yesterday, I had a huge set back.
I had another ER visit.   Luckily this didn't lead to another psych ward visit, but it came close.  It turns out that I will be going to another Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) starting on Monday.
I feel miserable...I feel misery. I feel life dragging on so slowly.  When will it end is a question I keep asking myself.  I stare at the clocks and wonder when things will just end..never enjoying the present moment. Just constantly looking only to see 1 minute, 3 minutes, 10 minutes have gone by.   I just don't seem to have mind, body and soul connection.  It just seems as though negativity has taken over...it has hijacked everything. I have trouble concentrating. I have trouble processing. I just have trouble living.  I feel dull, especially intellectually. I feel as though I lack intelligence.  I feel like I'm having a hard time learning. I have a hard time communicating. I have a hard time expressing. I feel so stupid because I don't have strong vocabulary.  I have to look up everything.  I forget things.  I just feel stupid.  I wish I were intelligent.

  I feel as though the more I live, the more money is wasted...the more bills pile up. I wonder what the point of living is if I'm just struggling to survive. If I'm just constantly trying to play catch up.  When will I catch up. When will I be ahead of the game...not drowning?

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