Decisions

I'm at a crossroad or crossroad(s) I should say.  I don't know what to do.  While desperately seeking and praying to find something that I'd enjoy doing, I came across a job opportunity of interest and applied for it.  As many of you know, there is the saying...ask and you shall receive.  The problem is I did ask and I did receive. I received the job offer, but I'm left to ask for more.  Is this the right decision? Will this work out? Am I good enough for this position?  Will this cause another breakdown?  Am I emotionally and mentally stable enough for this position?  I guess I'm left asking questions regarding fear of taking this job.  I'm fearing the unknown. I'm fearing my decision. I am fearing my mind.

  I just don't know. Decision-making seems to be so difficult.  It's hard when you fear your own thoughts and mind.   It's one thing when you lose trust in others, but it's a whole different ball game when you have lost trust in yourself.  And how do you get it back?
I'm still trying to figure that all out.


So the job position I applied\ for is to be an environmental educator. The position is to connect 4th-8th graders to the environment, teach respect for the Earth and its beings and promote a commitment to lifelong learning. Although I was excited at first to receive the offer, a huge wave of insecurities and anxiety crushed me.  I'm not qualified for this job.  They are going to be so disappointed that they hired me.  What were they thinking? What was I thinking to apply for this job?  I don't know much about the environment. I didn't go to school for environmental studies.  I don't know anything about high ropes and fun outdoor activities.  What happens if this doesn't work out? Will I have another breakdown? Am I even mentally stable to work at a job like this? I've been so miserable.  Am I going to continue being miserable down there?

The questions and negative comments went on all day yesterday to the point I almost was considering going back to intensive therapy.

My problem with all of this..is that I'm allowing my disease to defeat me.

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” ~Honore de Balzac



After talking to numerous friends about this dilemma, they each suggested I do a pros and cons list and weigh my options.  So here's my list:

Job Pros:	Job Cons:
- Could possibly open doors to a new career/opportunity/ -Could be a positive experience -Be outside -Meet new, like minded people -Be busy -Adventure -Something new -Growth -Teach Irish dancing -Simple living -save money.   -Help resume.  -Easier to make changes in new environment.    -reinvent myself	Spend Money -          -Ticket -          -clothing- rain gear etc. -          -Bedding Mental instability-Could lead to another breakdown. Long hours working -Away from home -Could be a bad experience -Pay less
Staying Pros:	Staying Cons:
-Family stability -Make more money -Save more money -Get meds straightened out.	-Loneliness -Feeling stuck -Stay miserable. -Could lead to another breakdown. -Be inside my head too much -Hard to change when in familiar setting

So, after much thought and talking to a few very close friends who are supportive of this opportunity. I have decided to take the job.  Please keep me in your prayers that it works out for the best.  

Thank you.

Here's to new beginnings ahead.