The final session I had prior to my departure was art therapy. Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of my artwork as I threw it out. it's been awhile since I've thrown away art pieces I've done, but for some reason, I just didn't like what I made.
What I created was a cherry blossom tree. I had the branches go in all different directions, as that is what branches do. As we all know, branches do not form a straight and narrow line; they go with whatever direction they choose. They take whatever path it wants.
The remaining 15 minutes of therapy was spent on a stone ceremony. A stone ceremony is where on the last day of the program, the patient picks out a stone and the stone gets passed around to everybody in the room who then briefly make a comment/statement.
So the stone I chose was LOVE. (I actually picked it out the day before b/c I wasn't sure what stone to chose and it took forever for me to make up my mind.)
So Love it is.
I chose this mainly for the reason to find love...within myself. I can't possibly know what love is until I love myself.
For the ceremony, 5 of the therapists I had throughout the program stopped by to wish me well; each of them leaving me with words of encouragement and of course words of love. They told me how great of a person I am, how strong of a person I am, and that I was a pleasure to work with and that one day they hope I see it and that I deserve love and I deserve to love myself.
To me great people, strong people do great things. Great people don't wallow in self despair. Great people don't feel chained. Great people don't hate...especially themselves.
So although at one point I felt as though I was progressing through this so called life. I find that now I have taken a few steps, if not leaps backwards. The meds are obviously not working. But I can't fully blame the meds- it's me that is not working. It is me that is holding me back...yet again. It's me that has made me so toxic.
I read this off of the facebook the other day:
" Should you help someone who is reaching out and
deeply-hurting? Absolutely. Do what you can to help people but have the wisdom
to accept your limits. You can only do so much. You should never have a
relationship based on guilt over someone's poor choices. It is so easy to find
ourselves in denial about someone's behavior because we so deeply wish they
could escape their pain and suffering. But what we want for others doesn't work
unless they want it for themselves. People must save themselves, and you can only
help a person who really wants it and is ready. You have permission to walk
away from anything that doesn't feel right. Trust your instincts and listen to
your inner-voice — it's trying to protect you. Never stop sharing your love
with people; that's why you were put on Earth. But sometimes the way to share
your love is to let someone go. Staying in an unhealthy relationship can keep a
person from finding their own way and moving to the next level of their own
path — and that person could even be you. Sometimes the best way to save
someone is to walk-away. Real love sometimes means saying goodbye.
Your life was meant for more than being a life-long doormat
for deadbeats, losers, gossipers, nay-sayers, dream-crushers, energy vampires,
users, abusers, ragers and passive-aggressive backstabbers. Some of these
people are rabidly-infected with obvious madness. Some have less obvious ways,
such as the "helpful" enabler, who sends you off to your destruction
with a helping hand and a smile. Some are "doubt-whispers," who plant
the seeds of non-belief in your heart to take root, so they can then console
you in your inevitable moment of defeat. There are also perpetual victims who
feed on your constant attention. Call them what you want, you know exactly who
I am talking about. One thing always reveals their sometimes hidden identity —
after you have been around them, how do you feel; have you been depleted and
drained or energized and inspired?
A person at peace can immediately recognize a consciousness
in crisis, whereas those in crisis cannot fully understand themselves or
others. This is the eternal challenge with ignorance — ignorance can't see
itself. People often turn away from good advice because they need something
another person can never give them — discovery. As much as we would like to
help others avoid pain, sometimes we have to let go and allow them to receive their painful lessons. Suffering
is one of life's great teachers. You cannot save people from themselves. All
you can do is stand firmly in your hopes for them, with compassion.
I know you want to be a good person and be helpful to people
in need, but it's impossible to give to others if you have been used-up. Being
a good person has nothing to do with allowing people to destroy you. There are
limits. You can best help others from a position of strength, not weakness. So,
don't forget to be good to yourself first. Don't forget to take care of you! It
is never cruel to want to save yourself from being swamped by fools. You cannot
save everyone. Some people are going to destroy themselves no matter how much
you try to help them. Their lives are full of emptiness, chaos and dysfunction,
and they will bring their misery and pain into your life with full-force if you
allow it. Then there are others who have the outward appearance of success and
are seemingly not self-destructive in nature. These people do not destroy
themselves, but instead survive through the destruction of others — these are
the users. Either of these types of people will latch-on to you in a
death-spiral and take you down to the depths of hell with them. This is your
life and you have the right and responsibility to make good decisions for
yourself.
You must firmly, absolutely and ruthlessly protect your
safety and sanity. Misery loves good company, so if you are surrounded with
drama, gossip and fools you may want to consider that you are presently at risk
of becoming one of them. The real zombie-apocalypse is the pandemic of drama
and mediocrity. Troublemakers will infect you with the malady of their madness.
And especially, if your positivity immune system is low, any exposure to a
person afflicted with negativity can poison your life. You have to get these
people out of your life once and for all. One of the fastest ways you can
profoundly change your life is to rid yourself of toxic people. When you do
come in contact with one of these people run for your life. Get to safety.
Meditatively and spiritually decontaminate yourself. Scrub down your brain with
a wire-brush and remove their insanity from the corridors of your mind.
Inoculate yourself immediately by creating a safe space and aligning yourself
with healthy people. If you have to go it alone for a while until you find your
healthy tribe and chosen family, that is fine. Being alone is much better than
being around negative people out of loneliness or desperation.
Boundaries and risk management are very important parts of
living a healthy and positive life. Even professionals like therapists,
psychologists and social workers limit their exposure to their clients and draw
boundaries. What makes you think you can handle unlimited exposure to toxic
people and survive? You can still be a charitable person who helps and cares
about people, without helping those very people destroy your life. Learn how to
draw a line and learn how to enforce it. Get selfish and take care of you. Cleanliness
and order is good Feng Shui which applies to people even more than to the
things in your life. You must clear out what you don't want, to make room for
what you do want to arrive. The way to send a clear message that you are ready
for better people in your life is the kick the rascals to the curb. We strive
our whole lives to love people unconditionally, but sometimes we need to get
rid of people unconditionally. The intimate space of your personal life should
be reserved for amazing, beautiful, radiant souls — good, wholesome and loving
people. Your truest family is your chosen family, people with whom you most
identify. Make a clear decision on the type of people you want in your life and
if they don't make the cut, then create some distance. It doesn't matter if it
is a close relative, parent or child-hood friend; no matter the history — when
people are toxic, disruptive and dysfunctional with no reasonable signs of
recovery, then they need to go. Sometimes, to escape a bad relationship and reclaim
our lives, we have to break a piece of our heart off, like a wolf chews its leg
off to escape a steel trap. Love toxic people from a distance.
Now could be the time to walk away; hell, you may even need
to run. Haven't you been listening to your inner-voice? Be honest, your gut has
been screaming but you have been ignoring it. How much more of your life are
you going to throw-away for a lie? Accept it. Some people never change. Some
people have abusive, negative, controlling tendencies in their blood; they are
wired for havoc, bickering and deception. They know of no other way to
interface with others except through their created chaos. Chaos is their
home-court advantage where they play their mind-games so they can have power
over you; it's a rigged game you can never win. They will wear you ragged and
bring you to your knees emotionally and physically. In time they will destroy
every wonderful thing you have in your life. You are in danger: your health,
your peace of mind, your happiness and maybe even your life. There is more than
one way to lose your life; quickly through violence, or fettered-away and
wasted around dreadful, toxic people. You must take control of your life and
make good decisions for yourself. The insanity must end, for your sake and for
theirs.
Sometimes a person needs us to abandon them, but we hang-on
anyway, which can be devastating for both parties. Helping others can sometimes
even be a convenient distraction from addressing our own unresolved issues.
When someone you know is so toxic and destructive that they are poisoning your
life, you have to create some distance. They need you to walk away as much as
you need it. People who are out of control desperately need to observe your
healthy boundaries in-play to learn from your example. You best teach others
about healthy boundaries by enforcing yours on them. There is a difference
between giving-up and strategic disengagement. Know the difference. Learn how
to let people go. Stop holding-on to the wrong people. Let them go on their own
way; if not for you, then for them.
You can help others once you are safe, secure and successful
in your own life. Practically every successful person you know of is
successful, in part, because they moved the destructive and disruptive people
out of their lives. Successful people carefully manage their energy and
associations; they are gatekeepers. Who you allow into your life, mind and
heart are among the most important decisions you will ever make. Take inventory
of the people with whom you spend the most time. Who you spend your time with
is who you are, or who you will soon become. Limit your exposure to unhealthy
and unsupportive people. Love yourself enough to say no to people who diminish
your chances for a beautiful and empowered life. Sometimes you have to get away
from what you know to discover what you don't know. It is time for the abuse,
control, lies and negativity to end. Align yourself with a new tribe of healthy
people who are supportive of your highest good and potential. Find the people
who are living the positive lifestyle you wish for yourself and who share your
values, and create a new family of friends that you can call, "home."
Your new positive and supportive tribe will edify you, strengthen you and
empower you to serve others in ways you would have never before imagined.
Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of
others. It is not too late for you. It is never too late to begin loving
yourself again. It is never too late to have the life you deserve. Healing for
everyone begins with self-love — starting right now"
The things is...how do you walk away from yourself when you are the toxic one in your life. I've become so toxic that I don't want to reach out to anyone, I don't want to get close to anyone because I'm aware of how toxic I am.
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