Fear

I have a lot of fears.

Being hurt
Hurting others
Getting too close
Being codependent
Getting old/older
Loneliness
Not having purpose
Succeeding
Failing
Living
Money
Not having money




I fear relationships.
What do I fear about them? Hmmm...Good question.
 I feel like I fear everything about them.  My fear is like an oxymoron.  I fear closeness and attachment, yet I fear aloofness.  I'm not really sure if I fear people getting to know me more than I fear getting to know other people or vice versa. Either way, it doesn't really matter because I fear them both.   I fear seriousness. I fear commitment. I fear losing myself.  I fear codependency. I fear settling.  I'm fearful of being around people who get angry, who get sad..etc.  It just all triggers me.  So in reality...it's just hard to be around people.   I know this is something I need extensive work on.  I need to work on how to react to other people's feelings/emotions as well as my own. I need to learn how to not allow feelings and emotions of others as well as my own be such triggers for me.  You know you have SERIOUS issues when you become fearful of emotions.  

I think my lack of body awareness is a fear in itself as well.  When you are unfamiliar with your own body language and others can pick up on it and know all about you within a short interaction...it's quite scary. It's difficult accepting the fact that others know me better than I know myself.   With this, I fear not being able to remain a mystery.  I feel as though I'm easily readable..and transparent. A quality I really dislike, but I allow it.  I am allowing it by writing this blog and all, but I just don't know how else to express myself and let my my own expressions be known other than through writing. So while others may already have a sense of who I am..I really don't and writing helps me develop that sense.



  I feel as though I need to build up my walls. I feel as though I'm letting them down too easily.  I feel like I need to physically build a fence in order to build one figuratively.  Hmm..I'm thinking I should get some clay and start building because I need to.  What I'll do is just put four slabs of clay together with no door, no window.  That's what I need.

I realized one of the coping mechanisms I use when in fear or uncomfortable is hugging.
  It's a fear response.  When I am feeling any sort of anxiety of any kind, I just want to hug and feel close and protected.  But I can see how using such a skill can get me in some trouble...especially around men.  This is another huge fear I have...men. I have fear with women as well.  I think when it comes down to it, I think my biggest fear of all is my own shadow...my biggest fear is me.