Change

Sometimes it's just too much to see someone else suffer.  I think this may be the case when you have experienced suffering and are extremely empathetic.  It's painful to watch someone suffer because you know their pain all too well; and for those of us who are highly sensitive individuals- you can even feel their pain.  I think the hardest thing about seeing someone suffer is the fact that there is not much you can do about their suffering.  You can help guide them/show them compassion and understanding, but in the end, their suffering is brought about by their own mind. They need to save themselves and be at the point of despair to reach out for help and seek help.  They need to be the seekers of being saved.  One can not seek for them. One can really only pray.

 As a fellow sufferer, all I want to do is to help ease the pain of someone else suffering.    However, I find that sufferers are trapped in their own mind. I know this for a fact.  As sufferers, we feel stuck in quicksand. As an outsider, one may see nothing around us, but in the mind of a sufferer -we are in quicksand. No matter what an outsider does to try to help/say, the sufferer is stuck in an illusion they created in their own mind and it's up to them to change the illusion.


This past weekend was a real eye opener.  I went to a party for a friend who was in town. I haven't been to a party in ages.  I've been to some family parties, but not "real" parties. I forgot the effects alcohol has on people because it's been too long since I've been exposed to it.  But this weekend, I saw it. I saw it first hand what my suffering looked like in the reflection of another sufferer. Although this fellow sufferer was intoxicated beyond belief by alcohol, it  was no different than how intoxicated I've become by my negativity. 
It was scary witnessing what I did.
And It was really sad.


The hardest thing about this weekend was walking away from the person suffering.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  But there was nothing else I could do. I did all I could. I talked, I listened.  But when more was asked of me than I could give,  I, finally for the first time, created a boundary and I walked away.  I continued listening as it was hard not to hear the cries.  It was just painful to witness. The only thing that I was left to do was to pray for the suffering soul. This soul was stuck in the quicksand that didn't exist and I couldn't pretend with him that it existed. 

This weekend helped open my eyes and made me aware of what I need to do. And I need to change.  I need to stop swimming, eating, sleeping, etc in my own diarrhea I created that I failed to clean up.  I need to be the one to change. I need to not diarrhea all over myself and if I do, clean it up right away. 

Here's to change.