Cornfields

Today I went for a long, evening run.  As I was running, I passed a cornfield to my right.  I wanted to go in it, but the thought that I was going to get arrested for doing so popped into my head.  And then I decided to fuck it. There aren't many places I can go around here in my hometown to just collect my thoughts.  To hide and be alone.  There is nowhere to breathe.  Sure I can drive someplace, but where to? There is nothing here in white suburbia to drive to.  And in either case, the car I have been using is currently out of commission. Even if it were in commission, I'd still have to deal with gas and affording it all. It's sad, but true. Money/lack thereof has taken over my life.

 Last week while babysitting I made $342 dollars. I couldn't help but cringe at the fact that for a week of hard work, doing a job I'm not really enjoying, I made the same as I would have working one night at a dive bar back in Boston.  I miss the bar.  But then I had to catch myself as I fantasized about how wonderful the bar scene was.  Although it was fun and games at first, in the end...being groped, having to clean up puke and having to clean diarrhea that clogged toilets was not all that beautiful.  

 So..back to the cornfield.  I wanted to get lost...and never return.  I wanted some evil entity to come attack me as  I separated and passed through each stalk of corn.   But there was nothing.  I realized that corn fields aren't even all that scary.   Although there are many movies where cornfields portray death and evilness, this cornfield wasn't providing me with much of that.  There was nothing to fear.
 I guess I really don't need an evil entity in a cornfield to attack me because I'm my own evil entity...attacking myself, I am my own thing to fear.

So, as I was making my way through the field, I decided to sit amongst the corn.  I wanted to sit in silence; however, my mind had other ideas.  Suicide notes started to pop in my head.  I want to end this. I want to end this life.  The pain is too much to bear. The suffocation is too much to take in. The disappointments.   I have nothing, I have no one. I am disconnected. I just want my body to lay to rest because it feels as though my soul has already done so.  I just want my body to be connected to my dead, lifeless soul.

Unfortunately I have commitments to attend to tomorrow and saturday, so this all must wait.  Maybe something in the meantime will present itself.  Afterall, I am in desperate mode.  When one reaches desperate mode, they tend to give everything up...even their ego gives up. One thing that comes about when in this mode is prayer and begging for help from a higher being, if there is such thing.  When you get into this mode....there is no question as to if there is such a thing...because you force yourself to believe there is such a thing...you become so desperate to latch and cling on to something.  I have nothing to cling onto now except for hope that there is a higher power...that this storm will end.  It has to end.  I need to cling onto something that can take me out of this madness I created.  Something that will save me.  Because I need plenty of saving.  No human can save me...I can't save me.  Please God...if you are out there...save me...save me from myself and all evil.