Yesterday was filled with a lot of irony. I guess that's no surprise considering the fact that it was a full moon and Friday the 13th. What made the day so ironic was the fact that I revisited my high school to participate in the relay for life. The whole idea of ever stepping foot back into my high school is absurd. However, here I was, walking the halls I had walked down numerous times so many years ago. I saw the mirrors that I use to avoid, and although my first reaction was to avoid them, I tried to show compassion to myself and tell myself it's okay to look. "You're not going to break it. Don't fear the image in the mirror." I told myself.
The feeling of being around so many high school students was a common feeling...it's the "I'm so out of place" feeling. I say it is common b/c even while in high school, I felt so out of place and that feeling continues to linger on. Being within these walls was just really strange. I forgot what the school looked like inside, the only thing I can say from all of it was that it appeared so much smaller than how I remembered it.
I was reminded of my very first day of freshman year. During homeroom, I got really sick. I went to the bathroom and started to feel intense stomach pain, queasy/nauseous and started shaking and crying uncontrollably. Although I didn't know what it was at the time, looking back, I was having severe panic attack. I had gone to the nurse who thought I may have a stomach bug since I had the extreme stomach pain and she sent me home. I can't help but think if only I was treated for my panic attacks back then...it would have saved me a lot of trouble...especially in college. College was where I experienced it the worst, especially while giving presentations in front of the class. There were numerous times I ran out of the classroom while giving the presentation, or after due to the intense feelings I was experiencing. It wasn't fun at all.
Okay, I'm going off topic.
So another thing I found ironic was the fact that here I was among people who either were fighting for their lives or had a loved one that was, or one that passed away from cancer.
I couldn't help but feel out of place and ashamed of myself.
You see, while these people are fighting for their lives, I'm fighting for the complete opposite. I would do anything to give up my 'right' to live so that someone else can live. And it just sucks that life doesn't work out that way. It sucks how while people are fighting to live and have so much appreciation for life, I continue to contemplate suicide and continue to not have the ability to appreciate anything.
I'm not going to lie. Today has been quite a numb day.
I went to go weed whacking where my father works. Mind you, I've never done weed whacking before. Sure I worked for a landscaping company one summer, but that included spreading mulch, planting, and weeding by hand. My father briefly demonstrated how to use the machine with a quick demonstration as he usually does when teaching things. Although the whole concept of weed whacking isn't hard, I wasn't told about the wire strings.
So..off I went to his work to begin the job. When I arrived I saw the owner's wife on the lawn mower and saw the weed whacker near the barn. Although she saw me, she kept on mowing the lawn, so I figured I'd turned it on and start weed whacking the pathway. I really had no idea where they wanted me to weed whack so I kind of did it everywhere. I must have been weed whacking for a good forty five minutes before I noticed that the weed whacker did not seem to be whacking any weeds. So, I turned it off and didn't see any wire string left. I started to panic. "Oh no I broke it. You idiot. You can't do anything right." said the voice inside my head... "You're so stupid." Feeling embarrassed and ashamed, I went over to the house to see if the owner was home to help me. He came out and I apologized profusely about the wire string. In which of course he was like "no problem, it happens" as he worked his magic to fix it.
So off I went to continue doing the work. But the voice got louder and more abusive as the day went on.. "You don't have any clue what you are doing. Look at all the time you wasted. It doesn't even look like you touched anything. You're going to embarrass dad. You have to go back and redo everything. It's not good enough. You're not good enough. Why are you even here?. Why are you living? You have no confidence. How are you going to get by in this life without confidence? You can't even do a weed whacking job. How are you going to hold down any job? You are such a slow learner. Nobody has the patience to teach you things. Nobody has the compassion to teach you. Nobody has the time and energy to help your confidence. Somebody else could be doing this job so much better than you. They are wasting their money on you. You're so slow. You're doing this all wrong. You're pathetic. You're lost and you will never be found. You'll never be loved."
This is a glimpse of what went on inside my head today. Over and over and over again. Although I tried to stop the thoughts, they came back more and more powerful.
It's hurts. It hurts knowing I don't have an ounce of confidence. It hurts knowing that I can't live life. That I can't accept the fact that I'm doing the best I can and that's good enough; and if someone has a problem with it..that's their problem not mine. It hurts that I want to so desperately please others. It hurts knowing that I don't think I'm good enough and that I think others think the same. It hurts to feel like I'm so incompetent. Sometimes..it just hurts to feel.
It hurts to think about the times I was drunk and filled with confidence. It hurts that the moment I got home, I poured myself two shots. I haven't drank in months.
Thank you for reading.
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