True Ugliness

So, today I realized why I have such hatred for myself.


I feel as though I'm plagued with jealousy and envy; and I just hate it. I don't like this being a part of me whatsoever.  It's an ugly characteristic and I feel as though I've possessed this for a majority of my life.  I can understand why it is called a deadly sin because having this characteristic makes me hate myself to a point where I want to harm myself...to a point where I want to die.

 Although I dare not to wish misfortune onto others, I find it hard to admire, appreciate, and congratulate the hard work others have put in to get to where they are today.  I guess because I'm not there and have nothing to my name; I just wish I could be like them. I wish it could be me.  Or maybe I just wish I could be them...And the fact I am who I am, just pains me.

 My one friend in particular stared in Riverdance and is now an art teacher. She's such a beautiful person inside and out and it just kills me that I am jealous towards her.  It also  hurts to know I will never have what she has or accomplish what she has.  And it's not just this friend that I'm envious and jealous of, it's copious amounts of people. It hurts to know that I will never have what many people have.  And this jealousy/envy paralyzes me.  It hardens me and decays my heart. It tears apart and then shrinks my spirit...it shrinks my soul. 

I found the following while looking up quotes about jealousy and envy.


"Envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970- British philosopher, logician, mathematician, historian, social critic, and political activist).

"The jealous are possessed by a mad devil and a dull spirit at the same time." Johann Caspar Lavater (1741-1801- a Swiss poet and physiognomist- a person supposedly able to judge character).

 "A competent and self confident person is incapable of jealousy.  Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity" ~ Robert Heinlein (1907-1988- Science Fiction writer).

It's true. I feel possessed.   I feel decayed inside.  I feel like an awful, awful person. I feel evil.

I think the following quote sums up what I am experiencing when it comes to jealousy very well:

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.  There is only one alternative - self-value.  If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.  You will always think it's a mistake or luck.  Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.  Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.  Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.  Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. "
~Jennifer James (1977- English actress)

I'm tired of being this hideous, ugly person I am. I need to end all of this.  I need to end it now. I need to somehow find the light. 

Thank you for reading.