Incompetent fool

Yesterday was filled with a lot of irony. I guess that's no surprise considering the fact that it was a full moon and Friday the 13th. What made the day so ironic was the fact that I revisited my high school to participate in the relay for life.  The whole idea of ever stepping foot back into my high school is absurd.  However, here I was, walking the halls I had walked down numerous times so many years ago.  I saw the mirrors that I use to avoid, and although my first reaction was to avoid them, I tried to show compassion to myself and tell myself it's okay to look.  "You're not going to break it. Don't fear the image in the mirror." I told myself.

 The feeling of being around so many high school students was a common feeling...it's the "I'm so out of place" feeling.  I say  it is common b/c even while in high school, I felt so out of place and that feeling continues to linger on.  Being within these walls was just really strange.  I forgot what the school looked like inside, the only thing I can say from all of it was that it appeared so much smaller than how I remembered it.

I was reminded of my very first day of freshman year.  During homeroom, I got really sick.  I went to the bathroom and started to feel  intense stomach pain, queasy/nauseous and started shaking and crying uncontrollably.  Although I didn't know what it was at the time, looking back,  I was having severe panic attack.  I had gone to the nurse who thought I may have a stomach bug since I had the extreme stomach pain and she sent me home.  I can't help but think if only I was treated for my panic attacks back then...it would have saved me a lot of trouble...especially in college.  College was where I experienced it the worst, especially while giving presentations in front of the class. There were numerous times I ran out of the classroom while giving the presentation, or after due to the intense feelings I was experiencing.  It wasn't fun at all.

Okay, I'm going off topic.

So another thing I found ironic was the fact that here I was among people who either were fighting for their lives or had a loved one that was, or one that passed away from cancer.

I couldn't help but feel out of place and ashamed of myself.

You see, while these people are fighting for their lives, I'm fighting for the complete opposite.  I would do anything to give up my 'right' to live so that someone else can live.  And it just sucks that life doesn't work out that way.  It sucks how while people are fighting to live and have so much appreciation for life, I continue to contemplate suicide and continue to not have the ability to appreciate anything.


I'm not going to lie. Today has been quite a numb day.

I went to go weed whacking where my father works.  Mind you, I've never done weed whacking before.  Sure I worked for a landscaping company one summer, but that included spreading mulch, planting,  and weeding by hand.  My father briefly demonstrated how to use the machine with a quick demonstration as he usually does when teaching things.  Although the whole concept of weed whacking isn't hard, I wasn't told about the wire strings.

So..off I went to his work to begin the job.  When I arrived I saw the owner's wife on the lawn mower and  saw the weed whacker near the barn.  Although she saw me, she kept on mowing the lawn, so I figured I'd turned it on and start weed whacking the pathway. I really had no idea where they wanted me to weed whack so I kind of did it everywhere.  I must have been weed whacking for a good forty five minutes before I noticed that the weed whacker did not seem to be whacking any weeds. So, I turned it off and didn't see any wire string left. I started to panic.  "Oh no I broke it. You idiot. You can't do anything right." said the voice inside my head... "You're so stupid."    Feeling embarrassed and ashamed, I went over to the house to see if the owner was home to help me. He came out and I apologized profusely about the wire string. In which of course he was like "no problem, it happens" as he worked his magic to fix it.

So off I went to continue doing the work.  But the voice got louder and more abusive as the day went on..  "You don't have any clue what you are doing. Look at all the time you wasted.  It doesn't even look like you touched anything.  You're going to embarrass dad.  You have to go back and redo everything. It's not good enough. You're not good enough. Why are you even here?. Why are you living?  You have no confidence.  How are you going to get by in this life without confidence? You can't even do a weed whacking job. How are you going to hold down any job? You are such a slow learner.  Nobody has the patience to teach you things. Nobody has the compassion to teach you. Nobody has the time and energy to help your confidence.  Somebody else could be doing this job so much better than you.  They are wasting their money on you. You're so slow. You're doing this all wrong. You're pathetic. You're lost and you will never be found. You'll never be loved."

This is a glimpse of what went on inside my head today. Over and over and over again. Although I tried to stop the thoughts, they came back more and more powerful.

 It's hurts.  It hurts knowing I don't have an ounce of confidence. It hurts knowing that I can't live life.  That I can't accept the fact that I'm doing the best I can and that's good enough; and if someone has a problem with it..that's their problem not mine. It hurts that I want to so desperately please others. It hurts knowing that I don't think I'm good enough and that I think others think the same.  It hurts to feel like I'm so incompetent. Sometimes..it just hurts to feel.

It hurts to think about the times I was drunk and filled with confidence. It hurts that the moment I got home, I poured myself two shots.  I haven't drank in months.

Thank you for reading.

True Ugliness

So, today I realized why I have such hatred for myself.


I feel as though I'm plagued with jealousy and envy; and I just hate it. I don't like this being a part of me whatsoever.  It's an ugly characteristic and I feel as though I've possessed this for a majority of my life.  I can understand why it is called a deadly sin because having this characteristic makes me hate myself to a point where I want to harm myself...to a point where I want to die.

 Although I dare not to wish misfortune onto others, I find it hard to admire, appreciate, and congratulate the hard work others have put in to get to where they are today.  I guess because I'm not there and have nothing to my name; I just wish I could be like them. I wish it could be me.  Or maybe I just wish I could be them...And the fact I am who I am, just pains me.

 My one friend in particular stared in Riverdance and is now an art teacher. She's such a beautiful person inside and out and it just kills me that I am jealous towards her.  It also  hurts to know I will never have what she has or accomplish what she has.  And it's not just this friend that I'm envious and jealous of, it's copious amounts of people. It hurts to know that I will never have what many people have.  And this jealousy/envy paralyzes me.  It hardens me and decays my heart. It tears apart and then shrinks my spirit...it shrinks my soul. 

I found the following while looking up quotes about jealousy and envy.


"Envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970- British philosopher, logician, mathematician, historian, social critic, and political activist).

"The jealous are possessed by a mad devil and a dull spirit at the same time." Johann Caspar Lavater (1741-1801- a Swiss poet and physiognomist- a person supposedly able to judge character).

 "A competent and self confident person is incapable of jealousy.  Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity" ~ Robert Heinlein (1907-1988- Science Fiction writer).

It's true. I feel possessed.   I feel decayed inside.  I feel like an awful, awful person. I feel evil.

I think the following quote sums up what I am experiencing when it comes to jealousy very well:

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.  There is only one alternative - self-value.  If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.  You will always think it's a mistake or luck.  Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.  Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.  Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.  Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. "
~Jennifer James (1977- English actress)

I'm tired of being this hideous, ugly person I am. I need to end all of this.  I need to end it now. I need to somehow find the light. 

Thank you for reading. 

Ranting and Raving

I'm just going to warn you that this blog goes off on a bit of a tangent..hence why I call it ranting and raving.   It's just basically been my experience and thoughts of the day...so bear with it.  Hopefully by the end..it will all come together and make some sort of sense.

Today in therapy was rough. I'm finding a lot of the other women to be annoying.  But, maybe that's just my problem.  Well..of course it is.  I allow them to annoy me.  I allow lots of people to annoy me.  Which is why it would probably be best for me to go live up on a mountain alone.  But even doing that..I'd annoy myself.  I just can't win.

We had this community meeting today where we all gathered around to discuss the emotional eating program.  I honestly think I'm in the wrong track.  But again, maybe this is my perception of everything.  Is there anywhere I fit in? I guess I understand why I've jumped from job to job, state to state, guy to guy...because I never feel I belong. I never really feel deeply connected.    I just feel like I'm off... Like I don't belong on this planet.  I don't know how to belong.  I think I'm just an awkward individual.

Today, these women were all just complaining about the food that has been offered.  I rarely hear these women say one positive thing...not just about the food..but anything.  This one woman in particular is just so mean. She's constantly talking about how stupid the therapists are.  Ugh..it's just pure annoyance.  In any case..my blood started boiling with all of the complaints about the food...from the bananas being too cold...to another woman complaining about picking up other people's eating habits.   I blurted out that "sounds as though we would never survive in Africa." It probably wasn't the best thing to say since the therapist looked at me in shock.  I was grateful for the dietician because she then looked at me and told me that she understood what I meant.   Then of course..the room went silent for a few seconds and you think I would have just shut up then...but no.  I went off again how "sick I am of these stupid first world problems." I guess you can say I was having my two year old tantrum. 


My saying of this was not to really attack these ladies at all, it's the problem I am having that I'm projecting out...It's what I do best.  I really haven't been feeling well these past couple of days..well to be honest the past few weeks. The feelings of being stuck in quicksand are just really starting to get to me.

 I'm so sick of the way the world is.  I'm so sick of how I allow what goes on in society to affect who I am as a person..to affect my thoughts of myself.  I just feel as though I can't keep up with society...fuck the Kardashians.  I can't keep up with expectations people have...that I have.  I just can't understand why I can't appreciate what I have and know that where I am at is good enough.  And that people can accept me for where I am.  But being in this society..it's always more, more MORE..perfection, perfection, perfection.  I don't know..I feel like I've given up.  I feel like I don't have purpose.  I feel like I'm stuck on a planet I don't belong in.  I feel lonely..I feel miserable.  I can't relate to anyone in this part of town.  I think it's one thing to be poor and live around other poor people..but when you are the poor person in a wealthy town it fucking sucks! 16 year olds driving cars around...okay sorry 17... that their parents bought them.  It kills me. It kills me the fact that I bought my own car with all the money I saved since I was 5 years old (my first communion) and a few weeks after getting it my father backed up into it.  It sucks that a few months later...the engine blew out.  It just fucking sucks...I don't get the purpose of working hard. I really don't.  Maybe I've just given up so easily...but I don't know what to work for anymore.   I just don't think I can hold on much longer.

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in over a year. I've been cutting my own hair within the year.   And she was like.."wow do you do a lot of dying or bleaching with your hair" and I was like no.  I haven't done anything to my hair in years. She was just like "wow..it's really dead."  I told her I was cutting it myself..but she was like.."no that shouldn't do it." Then after she cut it she told me that "I shouldn't wash my hair everyday..b/c I have redness and dandruff."  The thing is...I don't wash it everyday...sometimes I'll go 3 days without washing it.  So it just stunk..here I am just trying to feel good about myself getting a haircut and being shot down.  Then...I went into my car and it wouldn't start! Grrrr...I'm just fed fucking up! Luckily it started about 10 mins later. 

When I got home, I decided to go for a run. I needed to clear my head.  So off I ran.  There is a barn down the road from where I live and I have been wanting to go in and ask if I can pet the horses and if they needed barn help.  So..I went down this long driveway and saw a man cutting grass.  I went up to him asking if he lived there, which he replied yes.  I then asked if he'd "mind if I pet the horses." He glared at me and said "yes, I do mind."  I was kindof taken aback..so to make sure I heard him properly, I said "sorry, did you say you do mind." Which his rude response was "yes..that's what I said. I mind"  So feeling shot down, I turned around and started running back home.

I just don't get it.  What the fuck is wrong with people? Are there any nice people left on this planet???  Okay..I know I'm having distorted thoughts right now.  I just couldn't help but think..well maybe if I were prettier and drop dead gorgeous, I'd be allowed to pet them. I'd probably be allowed to do anything if I were gorgeous.

  In any case, today has motivated me to plan my next adventure..my escape from this town, this state...yet again.  I think I just came up with a purpose.  I understand that this may not be a brilliant idea, but have I really ever had any brilliant ideas????? Ummm...let me answer that.....ummmm... NOOOOOO.  I know escaping is not the best answer..but hey not all escapes are bad.  Remember Jaycee Dugard and Elizabeth Smart? They escaped.  I know..it's totally unrelated to what I'm talking about..but at least it will give me a sense of purpose to plan my escape into a different world..or at least another land of misfit toys...just anywhere.  I just want to feel human God damnit.


Okay...I think I feel better now.

Thanks for reading!!