Taming the wild horse (Impulsiveness) within with Distresss Tolerance

The past four days I've been in the DBT- Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program and have been really enjoying it. I feel that within the past four days of learning these skills, I've changed and all for the better.  I feel as though I am becoming more confident- (I was actually able to make a video of myself and not judge myself critically)- That's a HUGE step!  It surprises me how much I have changed in the last few days and although I believe some of it is weather related- I think a lot of it is realizing that this form of therapy has my name all over it and I have specific techniques to help change me and allow me to have a life worth living.

I hope the following information helps with whatever is going on in your life!

Not many people are aware of DBT. Although, I've mentioned it in past blogs, I figured  I'd go into more detail as to what it is.   

 DBT is mindfulness based therapy developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, who experienced a form of mental illness first hand.   The goal of DBT is to build a life worth living  which includes bearing pain skillfully.  Some people think of DBT as a suicide prevention form of therapy, but it's more than that.  DBT targets problematic behaviors that are not only impulsive, which includes suicidal ideation/suicide attempts, but also interpersonal chaos, liable emotions (mood changes), confusion about self/cognitive dysregulation.   People who tend to be emotionally unstable or hyper sensitive can really benefit from the skills used. These skills help create a wise mind- a balance between emotional and analytical thinking. It is peaceful, grounded thinking. Overall,  I'm finding the skills taught within this therapy program  to be very helpful and beneficial and want to spread the knowledge I have gained.

When looking at all of the problematic behaviors - I have all of them (surprise, surprise). I find that my confusion of self has lead to interpersonal chaos, which has lead to labile emotions, which then has caused my impulsiveness.  Like an onion, I have to work on peeling all of these layers off one by one, starting with impulsiveness, in order to get to the core, confusion about self. 

In this blog entry, I am going to go over the skills that can be used to help  "fix"/ alleviate  impulsiveness type of behavior, (where one acts quickly without thinking about the consequences of actions).  Impulsiveness is created by being in a highly emotionally charged state of mind.  The skills used to reduce contact with the emotional stimuli are called distress tolerance skills. (Due to the fact that impulsiveness can lead to crisis, these skills are also known as crisis survival skills).  Some of the skills are very similar. In DBT- repetition is key as well as P^3- which is practice, practice, practice.

Examples of Distress Tolerance Skills to decrease Impulsiveness:

One skill that can be used when you realize you are in impulsive thinking mode- is distraction.
You can distract yourself with any of  the following: (acronym is ACCEPTS- **Please note- acronyms are very popular with DBT skills as they are used as mnemonic devices **).

• Activities- doing anything from exercising to calling a friend to petting an animal  etc.- Basically doing anything that helps release endorphins and grounds you.

•  Contribution- volunteering or doing something nice for someone. 

• Comparison- I don't know what the Dr. was thinking when she added this.  I find this skill to be  the worst skill to use because it's in regards to comparing yourself to others, which I think is an awful thing to do.  The Dr. recommends watching disaster movies, or comparing  yourself to others in a similar state as you or those worst off than you.  I find that for some people this can be a trigger into further depression.  Although I respect and  appreciate the Dr for all the work she has done-  I think she was smoking crack when she added this (jk- bad judgement- My friends have just recently told me after reading this post that it does work for them...so each their own and I apologize  stating she was smoking crack...but the fact I find it funny and hopefully and humour is good- I'm going to leave it as is)   So instead...I am going to come up  with my own C and I shall call it:

•  Center yourself:-   Meditate, use grounding skills such as holding a crystal or rock, or stating objects in the room etc.

• Opposite Emotions-  Do opposite of what you are feeling when in a negative mind frame.  For instance- if you are feeling depressed, even though you don't want to do anything, you have to force yourself to do something (like go for a walk) in order to get out of the rut.Otherwise- you are just feeding into the negativity.  Don't feed the negativity!!! When I think of feeding negativity- I think of the movie Ferngully (great movie btw)  and the oil  monster- Hexxus

Hexxus went from this

To this- negative feeding is not good!!

 I loved the song Hexxus sang: Toxic love


Okay...back to the skills:

• Pushing away-  Give yourself space. Leave the situation mentally/and or physically for a short while. Allow yourself to refuse to think about the painful aspects. Imagine putting  the pain in a box on the shelf for awhile and only taking it back down  when you are less emotionally aroused/when you can allow yourself to feel the pain and ride it out..

• Thoughts- I'm not sure if I like how this is labelled-thoughts. i think a better label would be Think outside of the box: . Anyway, the examples given are count to  10, state colors in a     painting or outside, read, do a word puzzle etc.

• Sensations-  Focus on one/all of the 5 senses.  Sight, Smell, Sound, Taste, Touch.

Another acronym Distress tolerance based skill to use is IMPROVE:

• Imagery- Imagine you're somewhere else.  Picture yourself in a safe place.  Sometimes using guided meditation can really help. 

• Meaning- Seeking out meaning in the suffering you are going through.  I think this may be easy for some people, but when you are a distorted thinker- the meaning you may be finding may be negative and trigger more. So...I don't like this one

• Prayer-  Repeating the serenity prayer over and over again is what I have found very helpful in the past.  Basically- saying any form of prayer. You would want to stay away from the kill me now prayer (which I've used many times).   Positive prayers will be more beneficial.

• Relaxation-  There are many relaxation techniques you can use.  I find  taking a bath or using the progressive muscle relaxation technique (PMRT) to be very relaxing.  When you are in a crisis, you tend to be very tense. With the PMRT- you intentionally tense different body parts more for 5 seconds and release and move to all different  areas of your body. 

• One thing in the moment:  With this skill- you'd want to basically focus on one thing whether it be your breath,or doing one activity. 

• Vacation- Unfortunately you can't take a vacation forever, that would be so nice, but so unrealistic ...unfortunately. Taking a short break- doing something as simple as going to the park briefly or actually going somewhere if you have the means to do so. 

• Encouragement- Being your own cheerleader.  I find this one is difficult to do on your own, so call one of your friends who are a cheerleader

One other acronym skill to use (I promise this is the last acronym for this blog) is TIP. These skills are one of my favorites. 

• Temperature: As far as temperature is concerned- cold is better, especially when dealing with a crisis because it helps to get you out of the anxious, hyper-aroused state.. I like using this skill- because whenever I think of ice- I think of all the times I put ice down someone's shirt- I've put it down people's pants in the past too.   I know that is so mean and it pisses people off- but I find it incredibly funny.  So just the thought of ice makes me laugh.  However, when in a crisis state, like I was this past Monday, I didn't find much humour while seeing it and holding it. Although, after a while of holding it, I did put it down the back of my shirt and it felt oh so good. It definitely helped me get  outside of my head.

 

• Intense Exercise-When I get in an intense emotional mind frame, I love to just sprint it out or punch the image of myself in the mirror (without hitting the mirror of course).  I find doing a bunch of pushups until I can't do them anymore also helps (even though the most I can do is 5- it still works)

• Progressive Muscle Relaxation Technique- I mentioned this one above when going over relaxation.

Other non acronym skills:

Making a pros and cons of having/not having  a crisis list is another skill that can possibly help center you.The more you concentrate on analytically thinking about the pros and cons, the more it will help you from being in a heightened emotional state.


Radical Acceptance- Letting go of fighting reality.  Don't be pushing the door if it says pull.  Overall, you want to understand what you can control and what you can't.  Sometimes using the serenity prayer helps.  Remind yourself that the only thing you can control are your thoughts, emotions, actions and reactions- basically your whole being.  Anything else is outside of your control.  Don't forget that!

Willingness vs Willfulness-
Willingness is accepting what is and doing what is effective. - YAY! 
Willfulness- is trying to fix things outside of your control- NAY

Observe breath: Focus on breathing- Use different breathing techniques such as alternative nostril breathing.  Below is a video I made- if it doesn't work, click here - hopefully you look just as sexy as I did doing it! 

Half-smile: Emotions are partially controlled by facial expressions.  Praciticing half smiling distracts you from negative emotions for many reasons.  People who half smile look ridiculous- so it is funny to kind of do a half smile or you can do what I call "The Prozac Smile"- which was kindof how I smiled at the end of the above video (as noted)...or you can look at the picture below!

Awareness exercise: Connection to the universe- Grounding- I like to stare,  hold and feel the crystal or stone and use breathing techniques. 


Alternate Rebellion- Since I like being rebellious- I like this one.  Use effective ways to rebel that is not destructive.   To me- writing/having this blog is a bit rebellious.

Other types of alternative rebellion ideas I found online are:

Give an honest response instead of a polite one- I like this one! I find this extremely hard to do, but I think it's so important to be true to yourself.  Speak out rather than staying quiet...don't be throwing terrible two temper tantrums. Dress in a counter-cultural style Challenge statements when you disagree...in a healthy manner of course Choose mediocrity rather than drama Drop out of things that are not effective Follow your passion rather than your expectation Wallow in creativity Give yourself time to play Explore Say no to people when they ask for a favor Shout or scream alone Seek your own interests

Hopefully this blog made some sense and hopefully you can find a few skills that will benefit you.

Thank you for reading! :)  Don't forget to smile!

P.S- I apologize if I have grammatical errors in this/all blogs.  I know how frustrating, and sometimes triggering it can be for people. I was not an English major and never will be one.  Please no judgement!

Test drive with drugs.

I've been switched from the Trauma Ed group to the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group as an attempt to help me in all aspects, but mainly as an attempt to keep me from having to get ECT done. However, since it's still a possible option, the doctor wanted to speak with me more about it today.

  She was wanting to discuss changing meds since I'm currently on an anti-seizure medicine, Lamictal- which is also a mood stabilizer.  If I plan on doing ECT, which electrically induces seizures, I have to get off of this  med and go onto something else.  With this knowledge, I broke down a bit.  My problem with all of this is that I don't want to go on anything else.   I am so scared of going on anything else due to reactions I've had with other similar drugs. Although I get in my severe depressed states- it's triggered by something--- it's not necessarily chemically related. Most importantly,  I thought ECT is done and from there, they will evaluate what meds to put you on if need be. Apparently, this is not the case. (I obviously don't do research all that well)
So as she named off all the other types of drugs- abilify, depakote, risperidal and then came to Lithium I said NO (to every one, especially lithium).  She asked me why(in regards to Lithium) and I told her "If I'm going to need blood test every so often to make sure my levels are okay- I don't want it.  I was on coumadin for my blood clot and that is made of rat poison-. I don't want any more poison in my body and I don't want any more scar tissue on my one good vein. To have to get your blood tested means that drug is STRONG. Since I'm a highly sensitive person in many aspects, I don't want it" I also told her "I no longer want to be a guinea pig. I hate drugs- I never did any kind of street drugs and I don't like the idea of having to take 'pharmaceutical drugs' If this ECT isn't going to take away the fact I need meds- is there really a point to do it?" So I left the appointment with her just telling me to think about it.

So here I am thinking about it- am I having distorted thoughts about this?  Am I not willing to try these different drugs out of fear? Am I catastrophizing? Am I fortune telling? Am I thinking black and white?  Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes...of Course I am, but how else are you suppose to think in regards to meds and your life.  I understand some people may say- well not all side effects happen.  (Well a pulmonary embolism happened to me from birth control) so do I really want to chance getting a stroke?? I know  there maybe someone who thinks- well if you're suicidal what does it matter? Suicidal does not mean one wants to continue with life suffering more due to side effects caused by drugs.  Suicidal is wanting to die without any chance of surviving. That's a huge difference.


But besides all of this- I'm just glad I'm able to express myself. I'm also grateful for the experiences I've had because it's brought me to stand up for myself and not go along with all of these drugs they want to test drive you with.



Overall, I hate the psychiatry field. I don't understand why you need to go to Medical School to be a psychiatrist, just like how I don't understand why meteorologists need to go to school. It just doesn't make sense.All meteorology, as you may know, is lies and all psychiatry is, in my opinion, is treating people like guinea pigs; test driving drugs, all while appearing to know things.

Everybody knows.... jack shit! S   H   I   T   !! Sugar Honey Ice Tea!
  

This makes me question many things-  Do people become psychiatrists for job security purposes?? If you think about it- people will always have mental issues. If patients get hooked to a drug- they are practically hooked for life...and there is no right or wrong answer to these drugs- it's just trial by error.

So then I ponder more and think start to think more globally: How many people are just doing jobs for security purposes??  Why do people chose the careers they are in? 
Is there such a thing as a purpose? Or is this some bullshit we are made to believe exists?
And..last question for the night-
Why does the mind have to be so damn complicated???

Happy Re-Birth-Day

So...here I am. 31 years of age..I survived.  It was a hard day- I felt as though I was ran over by a truck, bus, plane, automobile, bicycle, a  reindeer- you name it- I was ran over by it.  I was in pain and exhausted, mentally and physically.  I realized that some of the physical pain/exhaustion may be due to the gym yesterday, but a lot of it had to do with my emotional and mental unstable-ness.    (Please excuse me- I tend to make up a lot of my own words). Overall, I felt like raw meat- skinned alive..My skin laying heavy on the floor soaked in tons of blood. But luckily- no psych ward visit today!

ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) has been going through my mind a lot lately (Pun intended- or at least I think that's the right phrase to say...Again, please excuse me. I'm not an English major, never was.  I scored the same score on verbal section of the GRE as my friend's husband who just learned how to speak English 7 years ago- Yes...I'm that good!)    So besides the point.  I'm really considering having this procedure done.  I always told myself I needed a zap to the brain...and low and behold..the universe is providing.  That's what happens when you put stuff out there.  Hence why it's so important to put good energy out. 

As I met with my psychiatrist today during therapy- I told her I was ready.  She had mentioned ECT briefly in the past, as well as trying different drugs- but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to try different drugs b/c I feel as though I have tried enough. Plus I have a huge fear of the side effects. Ever since having a pulmonary embolism due to birth control (Never smoked, was very active- not the typical candidate for one), I'm weary of all meds.  Plus I've tried so many in the past. The one med she specifically was thinking about having me try was the one that I was put on in the psych ward where I nearly went postal.
  I didn't want to hear about ECT because I wanted to believe that the meds I was on were just fine. Honestly, I just didn't want to believe I had any issues at all. 
 However, yesterday's episode proved me wrong. I had terrible issues.  So, today I told my psychiatrist that I just couldn't live this way anymore.  No drugs work.  Although they may keep me level for the most part, when I get into my depression I get deep! So deep that yesterday in art therapy I drew/painted and wrote the following (We were to make a drawing out of a metaphor) 

All I had is destroyed: It's as if a tornado wrecked havoc on my mind body and soul.  (As you can see in the drawing, I drew a tornado and in case you couldn't tell- it's a heart being destroyed by the tornado)

My heart, It bleeds, It hurts.  As if it was stabbed a million times.  Another metaphor I wrote was :my heart bleeds, blood dropping like raindrops falling from the sky.

So-  my psychiatrist stated that my social worker and her will get in contact with the ECT department and figure out the next steps. In the meantime, instead of going to the Trauma groups, I'll be placed in the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy groups.   This group will be less triggering and working more on the coping skills of dealing with emotional instability, which is just up my ally and has always been since probably about 2 years old. 



Before coming home, I decided to treat myself by walking 3 dogs at the rescue shelter.  They helped a lot with grounding me and giving me love.  While walking them, I did a lot of thinking (surprise, surprise) One of the thoughts that came to my mind was Emotional Instability.  I was contemplating a chicken or an egg scenario.  What comes first= Does emotional instability come first? Does emotional instability cause all the other instabilities in life like financial, etc. Or is it all vice versa.  Before I drove myself into further insanity- I decided that in my case-my low self esteem was brought on by Emotional instability which caused instability in all other areas and left it at that.  Then I got on the topic of gratefulness and questioned if emotional instability caused lack of gratitude.   Poor dogs, no wonder why they look at me so sadly-especially Brooklyn. Han Solo couldn't even look at me due to how pathetic I was. And as far  as Espresso is concerned- he was high on just that- Espresso! !

Brooklyn

Espresso

Han Solo

After my adventure of dog walking, I headed towards home, where I stopped at a park to run a mile.  It of course felt like I was running a marathon because apparently everything feels like a marathon with me.  After this, I made it home where I was surprised with the following:

My mom knows me well. Forget cut flowers- buy a plant that you can enjoy year after year! I do love Tulips. Actually I love all flowers! Who can not love all flowers? Okay...I understand..maybe those who suffer from allergies.  I should refrain from making judgments (distorted thinking-should- mixed with Coping skill- wise mind---yes!!)

I love my mom, my dad, and my family.  I don't say it enough and I don't appreciate them enough.  My hope is that sooner rather than later I learn to be grateful for everything. I want to be grateful for those who truly love me.  It's heartbreaking how I always look for those who don't love me to love me and don't appreciate those that actually do love me.  I question why I do this and I can only come up with the fact that maybe it's because I want to feel some validation from these people. I want to know that  I'm on their mind. I want them to like me....I want them to love me.  Obviously something I need to work on because in reality, I shouldn't give a rat's ass about these people and secondly, they are idiots for not appreciating the person I am and it's their loss- fuckers! (Although I fully don't believe this, I'm attempting to fake until I make it..so as I was saying- fuck you fuckers.). I should add..that I'm currently on a pendulum swing, therefore it is not my time yet to have compassion.  Once this pendulum is done swinging, it will level out where compassion will be shown.  Be on the lookout for a future compassion Blog!!!! Not coming any time soon!!!! jk

Anywho...(I dislike when people say that, but I'm being a hypocrite)  This all leads me to the following:  despite all of the texts and calls I got wishing me a happy birthday, I couldn't help but continue to check my phone and email ALL DAY to see if this one particular person sent me a happy birthday message.  Which of course he didn't.  What was I thinking I ask myself?  Why do I ever get involved in these relationships with these people??  Is it because I feel as though I need to help them/save them? Is it because I'm that pathetic/that desperate for anyone- no matter who it is? I don't know...for whatever reason it is...it needs to stop.  (BTW...I will be writing a blog entry on why dating guys with children is an awful idea and shall call it RUN AWAY...RUN FAR AWAY- RUN FARTHER- NOPE STILL TOO CLOSE- FARTHER! ). In all actuality I think I'll write maybe I'll will also include on why dating a guy in general is an awful idea and call it MOVE BACK TO VENUS FOR YOUR OWN SANITY instead.



No matter what though, I still have a hard time letting people like this go.

I had a great conversation with my friend H.B tonight regarding this matter!  I love her. She is so wise and just amazing!  She stated the following which is so true: Letting go is hard, especially when our life is so unstable on all grounds because there is nothing to hold on to;  nothing to keep you distracted.  Like if I had an amazing job, a great apartment, a good paycheck and a shit load of friends with an amazing family...losing a guy would be like a little thing because I would still have everything else.  But we don't have much of anything else  so what we have we hold onto and it's a great theory they tell us of letting go and all, but this shit just does not happen over night.

She also mentioned how our society is all about loving only when your life is amazing, you are perfect, always happy and never need anything, but that's all bullshit! And she is so right!

So, overall, I survived another day. I'm going to bed with peace.  I feel loved by many and I need to focus on them and not the one rotten apple who failed to think about me.  Normally, I'd make excuses for him as to why he didn't or worst, listen and believe his excuses, but fuck that shit. I'm done making excuses for other people and I'm done hearing their bullshit.  Time for change.  Time to get rid of all the rotten apples- there is no point on holding on to them- they are just going to spoil the others.  I have to use this analogy with my thoughts as well.   Fuck you rotten apple thoughts!!




















 So I declared today as my re-birth-day!

I'm going to come back stronger than ever

Back in the day when I was fit.

and I'm not going to let anybody get in my way...not even a man who needs saving. That's not my job- that's between him and Jesus- or better yet that's between him and his mom!

 


Thank you for reading! :)