Test drive with drugs.

I've been switched from the Trauma Ed group to the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group as an attempt to help me in all aspects, but mainly as an attempt to keep me from having to get ECT done. However, since it's still a possible option, the doctor wanted to speak with me more about it today.

  She was wanting to discuss changing meds since I'm currently on an anti-seizure medicine, Lamictal- which is also a mood stabilizer.  If I plan on doing ECT, which electrically induces seizures, I have to get off of this  med and go onto something else.  With this knowledge, I broke down a bit.  My problem with all of this is that I don't want to go on anything else.   I am so scared of going on anything else due to reactions I've had with other similar drugs. Although I get in my severe depressed states- it's triggered by something--- it's not necessarily chemically related. Most importantly,  I thought ECT is done and from there, they will evaluate what meds to put you on if need be. Apparently, this is not the case. (I obviously don't do research all that well)
So as she named off all the other types of drugs- abilify, depakote, risperidal and then came to Lithium I said NO (to every one, especially lithium).  She asked me why(in regards to Lithium) and I told her "If I'm going to need blood test every so often to make sure my levels are okay- I don't want it.  I was on coumadin for my blood clot and that is made of rat poison-. I don't want any more poison in my body and I don't want any more scar tissue on my one good vein. To have to get your blood tested means that drug is STRONG. Since I'm a highly sensitive person in many aspects, I don't want it" I also told her "I no longer want to be a guinea pig. I hate drugs- I never did any kind of street drugs and I don't like the idea of having to take 'pharmaceutical drugs' If this ECT isn't going to take away the fact I need meds- is there really a point to do it?" So I left the appointment with her just telling me to think about it.

So here I am thinking about it- am I having distorted thoughts about this?  Am I not willing to try these different drugs out of fear? Am I catastrophizing? Am I fortune telling? Am I thinking black and white?  Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes...of Course I am, but how else are you suppose to think in regards to meds and your life.  I understand some people may say- well not all side effects happen.  (Well a pulmonary embolism happened to me from birth control) so do I really want to chance getting a stroke?? I know  there maybe someone who thinks- well if you're suicidal what does it matter? Suicidal does not mean one wants to continue with life suffering more due to side effects caused by drugs.  Suicidal is wanting to die without any chance of surviving. That's a huge difference.


But besides all of this- I'm just glad I'm able to express myself. I'm also grateful for the experiences I've had because it's brought me to stand up for myself and not go along with all of these drugs they want to test drive you with.



Overall, I hate the psychiatry field. I don't understand why you need to go to Medical School to be a psychiatrist, just like how I don't understand why meteorologists need to go to school. It just doesn't make sense.All meteorology, as you may know, is lies and all psychiatry is, in my opinion, is treating people like guinea pigs; test driving drugs, all while appearing to know things.

Everybody knows.... jack shit! S   H   I   T   !! Sugar Honey Ice Tea!
  

This makes me question many things-  Do people become psychiatrists for job security purposes?? If you think about it- people will always have mental issues. If patients get hooked to a drug- they are practically hooked for life...and there is no right or wrong answer to these drugs- it's just trial by error.

So then I ponder more and think start to think more globally: How many people are just doing jobs for security purposes??  Why do people chose the careers they are in? 
Is there such a thing as a purpose? Or is this some bullshit we are made to believe exists?
And..last question for the night-
Why does the mind have to be so damn complicated???