A nephew's love

My nephew is currently visiting for 11 days.  He arrived on Thursday, the 10th, and the last two days have been some of the most joyful days of my life (until he starts crying jk... or I'll say this now and on day 11 have a different outlook..:)  ).

My nephew will be 3 in less than 3 months (I have no other nieces or nephews).  For the past year and a half he's been living in Luxembourg so I haven't been able to see him often. I remember when he was 6 months and I decided to give up drinking.  I realized I wanted to live and  I didn't want him to grow up knowing his aunt drank herself to death.   (Although I was never a full blown alcoholic, I was a terrible binge drinker and I'm sure had I not decided to give up when I did, it wouldn't have taken much longer for me to become one).



 So I don't know what it was that had me lose touch with reality this past winter.  Perhaps it was just not seeing/not having a reason to live. Not seeing my nephew for quite some time, I lost touch.  However,  being close with my nephew these past few days has brought zest back into my life. My feelings of loneliness, my insecurities, my depression have diminished tremendously (all within these short few days with him).

 I'm grateful to say I'm happy to be here today because I get to experience his love and the love for life he has. I get to experience his soft, tiny hands grab a hold of mine as he begs me to watch him play with his trains or pretend to drive my sister's car.  I get to experience him make funny faces as I have him taste a variety of things! I get to experience him state he doesn't like something and convince him otherwise (especially with things he doesn't normally like to eat).   I get to experience him repeat every word out of my mouth like "shit" (whoopsies) or "Super Aunt Aoife". Overall, I get to experience him not holding any judgements for my past and for my illness.

 I tell you, this love from my nephew and the love I have for him is like no other.  It's a type of love I never experienced before. I guess that's because it's pure, it's genuine and there is no bullshit with it.  Being loved by a child makes you feel like you're a good person, makes you feel wanted/needed, makes you have a sense of purpose and, overall, just makes you want to live another day longer.

I love young children (ages 2-6)  for many reasons: they are not poisoned by society, they are truthful, they have no shame, they are full of curiosity, life, fun,  innocence, and unconditional love. I love them also because they are able to live in the moment!   To me, children are true geniuses and it's sad to see them grow up and grow into boring, superficial, materialistic, insecure adults who think they know everything when they know nothing at all..boo adulthood!  (Okay- I'm sorry...Distorted thinking-  I'm overgeneralizing and being judgmental)
A reason why I have trouble with being an adult is because I don't want to let go of my inner child.  I don't want to grow up...I want to remain truthful, full of curiosity, full of life, full of innocence, full of fun and full of unconditional love.   I want to live in the moment.  Like children, I want to create my own rules.  It's just harder as an adult to get away with this unfortunately.  But I'm determined to find a way! Being with my nephew has helped me find that way!


So..I think what I find most joyful of all being with my nephew is knowing I wore him out rather than the other way around :)

Thank you Seamus for being my true anti depressant. I don't remember the last time I smiled with pure joy in my heart.

(Although I love children very much, I don't think I can have children of my own. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to handle passing this illness onto any of my children. I wouldn't want my child to experience anything I've been through. I wouldn't be able to handle seeing them suffer/ have them suffer. I'd hate for my child to pick up my plethora of insecurities.   It would just break my heart. It's too much of a dog eat dog world out there...however, I'm glad my sister was strong enough to have Seamus).