People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.
As I was finishing packing my belongings on the day I was leaving the Island (refer to Land of Misfit Toys post for understanding), I met a woman around my age who embraced me with such warmth and compassion. She was truly heaven sent. I had met her briefly the night before at my going away party. She had been a previous employee at the Island before my time and was visiting a friend who lived at the house the party was being held at. We didn't converse much that night. However, on the following day, the day of my departure, she knocked on my door. She came over to me and gave me a hug. She knew the pain I was experiencing, the brokenness I was going through for she expressed that she had gone through something similar herself when she left. She wanted me to not feel alone and prior to her leaving my room she wrote her email in my journal. We then hugged and parted ways. I was too emotionally caught up with all I had to do that I failed to look at the page she wrote on to see if I could read her handwriting.
After my arrival home and the numerous psych ward stints, I attempted to email her. I needed someone to talk to and I needed some advice from her, but each of the two times I tried emailing her, I instantly received a response from the mail delivery subsystem. "Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently." I just couldn't read her handwriting no matter how hard I tried.
I felt dispirited. Here I was hoping to reach out to someone who had a bit of an understanding of what I've been through. Someone who understood what it was like living up on the island, what it was like to date on the island, and what it was like to leave the island. I needed her help; I needed to see how she pulled through and if there was a chance for me to pull through. From the looks of it, I was just stuck in a deep dark hole, without even a beam of light to guide me. I needed her compassion and warmth that she had given me on the day I left. But there was no way of contacting her and I felt defeated and all alone.
I didn't think I'd ever be in contact with her again. I didn't know her full name; I wasn't even sure what her first name was. Although I was thinking about contacting the friend she was visiting, I didn't. I couldn't help but think distorted thoughts, "maybe she didn't want me contacting her; maybe she had wrote it badly so I couldn't read it...maybe she was just being nice. God...I'm pathetic. Who'd want me to have their email. I'm just a crazy- nobody wants to be associated with a crazy..what was I thinking."
It wasn't until recently when I received a friend request on facebook. I wasn't quite sure if this person was her or not so I sent a message "I met you on my last day at SMC right?" She responded with "Yes hi - hope ur well - fb suggested we be friends."
I was elated and answered back with such joy. "Hey! Omg I'm so happy you contacted me!!!! I tried contacting you with the email you sent me, but it didn't go through." I continued on telling her all that had happened from the relationship I was in to the break up to the heart break and the falling a part of everything around me since leaving the island. But mainly, I talked about the relationship.
"I have the bad taste in men syndrome. I was dating S (I'm not sure if you know him). I get mad at myself because you know when your hindsight vision comes into play and you're like WTF was I thinking? Things were going ok until Maitri came and he was one of the cooks there. Apparently this one night he had gotten so wasted hanging out with the young college girls. When I found him he was curled into a ball near his home crying and trying to hit me. I had no idea what went on b/c he was so drunk he couldn't even talk coherently. Then the next day when we talked about it, I was like "you know...you can get any 21 year old you want." His response was "my self esteem isn't that good" I was like wow...well thank you! I was shocked. What is that supposed to mean? I tried ending it then, but 2 days later he came to my door shaking from withdrawal. Apparently, he drank 26 beers the day before, meanwhile I thought he had gone to visit his daughter. Then he was saying all the shit about how I make him happy bla bla bla. So what did I do...yeah..I stayed with him. After that incident I just felt my self esteem worsen and worsen. I found a girls number in his room and everything. And what did I do?..yep still stayed with him. I didn't mention anything about the girl's number to him, but I was slowly dying inside. Then when I moved back to NJ, I told him I needed to end it and I wished him the best, but he wanted us to still be friends. So I gave in. He promised to call on several occasions, but didn't. Some friend- one of the worst friends ever!! What bothers me the most is that there is still a piece of my heart that cares about him. But I think it's just my lack of self esteem talking b/c there shouldn't be any part that cares about him. I told him at one point that the next person he dates to think about his daughter and treat this woman how he'd want someone to treat his daughter. I thought that was a fair thing to say. But apparently, it wasn't for his response was 'Fuck you!'"
I was hoping with her reply that she'd want to start a men bashing fest. But she refrained from doing what my ego was hoping for. Instead she replied in a comforting and healing manner. Her response helped shed some light at a different angle. She stated: "Wow, that all sounds pretty harsh. I feel bad for both of you guys in that situation. As a woman I relate to you more,of course, but it is sad to hear everyone was suffering. I don't think it is necessarily poor self esteem that would bring you together as much as an understanding of each other's suffering because you each had your own. Unfortunately, when we come together in pain it usually produces a toxic effect instead of a healing one...It is strange to fall in love up there. It is a different breed all together. It feels so intense-like the most important love ever. I think it is because you are starting to love yourself and the world and this person, but it's just a bit premature.
What she stated next was very empowering and I think a lot of people could benefit from reading it: "I had a chance to study with John Dunn who is amazing and he reminded me that one thing you can always trust about people is that they have the common goal of trying to avoid suffering and make themselves happy. When I am hurting seemingly at the hands of another I remember they are just like me trying to avoid suffering and be happy. Remember that you have started to wake up and you are not crazy. People will think you are but you aren't. In fact the people calling you crazy are especially the doctors so be careful who's story you believe. Trust that part of your heart that you opened up there that made you cry and cry. That is real, not crazy. It is the suffering of the universe. Also,have you ever read awakening to your life's purpose by Eckhart Tolle? It is the most life changing thing I have ever read and I think it would help you to make heads or tails of all of this. Read this book. I am so serious: I feel like the whole reason I was brought into your life at that moment was to tell you to read this.lol. Don't feel like this is an end for you because it is a beginning and wonderful things are coming. Two palms pressed together"
Forget Chogyam, the Sakyong, Prema Baba and all the other "spiritual leaders" out there. K. is one of the best guru's I've ever met! As I mentioned before, she's truly heaven sent. As a matter of fact, all of my friends I have are truly heaven sent and the best guru's ever.
Overall, this whole conversation I had with her reminds me of the quote I mentioned in The Healing Power of Art Therapy:
"Dare to reach out your hand into darkness to pull another hand into the light; you may find yourself and you may help others find themselves."
Today, after therapy, I went straight to Barnes and Nobles and started reading the "New World" and was awestruck. Finally, I thought, a book that is written in my language. As I was reading (I only read 44 pages- I'm a slow reader), I couldn't help but think to myself "This is my Bible."
"To recognize one's own insanity is, of course, the arising of sanity, the beginning of healing and transendence."
I just love it when two souls meet and connect.
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