Earlier today, I was experiencing intense triggers. My emotional mind was in full blown gear and I was in the red zone. What triggered me most today was a visit I had from a case manager prior to going to my program. She was asking me questions in regards to my future plans and I just burst into tears. My anxiety increased and I was about to have a full blown panic attack all because of a simple question that I couldn't answer. My failures, my suicidal ideation increased, my questions of why I am alive all flashed before my eyes. Because of this, I had to tell the case worker that I couldn't answer the question and that I needed to stop. She respected my decision and we scheduled for another visit to answer the questions. I then went into the kitchen and grabbed some ice from the freezer, held it in my hand while using some breathing techniques. I became grounded. (Thank you DBT skills).
Although I was cool, calm and collected when I arrived to program, I was triggered again when we were discussing being non judgmental. For some reason, I just couldn't grasp the concept of being non-judgmental and I couldn't understand why. I couldn't help but think the following racing thoughts: "Why am I so stupid that I can't understand what non- judgmental means/ how is it humanly possible to be non-judgmental? I judge myself 24/7; I don't know how to live being non-judgmental...this is my life- this is who I am, I am a failure. I am so stupid. Why can't I just think normal thoughts? Why can't I be normal?"
So as you can see, my emotional and distorted mind took control of the wheel and was spinning out of control. I wanted to run; I wanted to escape from the room, but I couldn't. The whole purpose of me being there was to learn the DBT skills and use them in a time of crisis, which I was experiencing. These skills taught in DBT are to help keep me from being impulsive and from doing my normal behaviors...such as running away and having racing thoughts, or worse- suicidal ideation. So to help ground myself and regain composure, I sat, I counted my breaths, I did finger breathing, I observed objects, and did progressive muscle relaxation technique. I did these skills over and over again.
When the class was finally ending and the facilitator asked if there were any questions, I raised my hand. In my tearful, shaky voice I asked what if the homework is too triggering? The facilitator responded in a kind manner, stating that "if you find it too triggering, just don't do it and talk about it tomorrow in therapy class." She also commented on how proud she was of me for sticking through and for using the skills. Class was then dismissed, but I still felt triggered.
Although early afternoon art therapy class is strictly for the part time program participants, I asked the therapist if I could be in the class. I told her I was too triggered to go to any of the other classes offered (Trauma Ed and Food and Wellness) and needed to use art as a distraction skill and that I needed ice. She kindly allowed me to participate and brought me ice. While sitting, another participant entered the room and stated how happy she was to see me. (Originally I was placed in the track she was in, but was moved to the DBT track and because of this, I didn't see many of the people from the previous track). I got up and asked her for a hug, which she embraced me with. While holding her close to me, she whispered in my ear to "imagine yourself surrounded by blue light. In the Native American tradition, The blue light means protection." After the hug we sat down and she told me me how the lunar eclipse and full moon has made everyone crazy and that I wasn't alone. I found her words and wisdom to be so inspiring and powerful as well as so comforting. I felt the connection with her and with what she was saying. (She's a very holistic, naturalistic type of person that I admire and aspire to be). The beautiful sweet words she spoke truly helped me out of the darkness I was experiencing. They also helped with reminding me to embrace the knowledge I have learned from studying Reiki and use it. (I obviously haven't used my Reiki skills in quite some time).
Our art therapy session then started. The quote we were given was so appropriate for what I had just experienced. "Dare to reach out your hand into darkness to pull another hand into the light; you may find yourself" (Rice). When asked for our opinions about the quote, I stated that I didn't think the quote was complete and that more should have been added. My addition to the quote would be "and you may help others find themselves." So, with my rendition, the quote would read: "Dare to reach out your hand into darkness to pull another hand into the light; you may find yourself and you may help others find themselves."
I wanted to add that addition because with the small act of kindness from my therapist and from the other participant, I found a glimpse of my inner self.
So below is the artwork I did pertaining to this quote.
Because it takes a lot of strength to reach into darkness to help another, I made the figure to the right out of muscle to represent this. For some people, like myself, darkness represents their skeletons in the closet. It takes a lot of strength to allow the skeletons out and give them life, which is why I represented the figure on the left as a skeleton caught in the debris of other skeletal parts.
Since the other participant told me to envision blue light around me- I created the blue aura. At first I was just going to put it around the muscle man and a tiny bit around the arms of the skeleton to represent the hand going into the light. But then...I went a little chalk happy and surrounded both figures with the blue. As I was smudging the chalk, I decided to make the aura into a heart shape because it takes great compassion and love to be able to reach into darkness (whether it be your own darkness or that of someone else). I added the white then to represent an outer aura of light.
Making this work of art helped alleviate all that I was experiencing earlier on. I was definitely grounded and I felt at peace.
The art therapist allowed me to also attend the afternoon class, which I was so grateful for. Normally, taking two art classes in a day is not allowed. But, due to the circumstances of the day, I was given approval. And the quote for this class was by Harrison Ford: "We all have changes in our lives that are more or less second chances."
When asked about our opinions of this quote, one of the other participants stated that she didn't like it because she didn't see how the changes caused by death produced second chances. Other participants added their views on how they liked the quote. I didn't know what to make of it, so I listened in on everybody else's comments. We were then to create art based on our interpretation of this quote.
While pondering what to make, I looked around the room at the beautiful women that surrounded the table- each of them with their own story, their own struggles. I admire them. I admire us all. We are here for the purpose of changing so that we could live better lives.
Overall, we cared and supported each other. This one participant in particular, created ribbons for Semicolon project day.
With this, I realized that her second chance was to spread awareness to others about mental illness. I then realized that we were all spreading awareness to others about mental illness in our own ways. I then became enlightened and made the following work of art:
I had two meanings going on with this piece-
I wanted this drawing to represent the fact that I see each of us as earth angels. We are the sensitive few with big hearts that spread so much love and compassion to others. So much so that we had neglected ourselves in the process. But since we are here bettering ourselves, we are learning how to protect ourselves so we can further spread our love and compassion without getting our wings broken.
The other meaning behind this work involves the comment the other participant made. It was in regards to death and how I believe we become angels after we pass to help protect those still living (possibly a distorted thought)
I was able to express the following to the group
"I realized today by making this drawing, that I fantasize about death so much because I want to help people so much. I feel as though I can help people more when I'm dead and in angel form than when I'm alive and in human form."
( I understand for some people that this does not make sense whatsoever, but I think I realized why I may think this. It could just be a distorted thought because to me, I have a hard time coping with death and I want to believe in angels. I want to believe that when we pass we become angels to protect others in ways we couldn't do in human form. I want to believe this because otherwise, I can't handle death of others and I need to believe our spirits move on to protect and watch over others. In a strange way, I want there to be purpose for death).
After expressing this to my fellow earth angels, I was told that I help so many people here with my presence. The one participant who did the ribbons for semicolon day mentioned that I help lift her spirits every day by saying "good morning beautiful," by giving my hugs, and by the artwork I do. She reminded me that if I were to be in angel spirit, I wouldn't be able to achieve what's helped her.
My art therapist added that I do give a lot more than I give myself credit for. She mentioned how writing my blog is helping more people than that I'm aware of.
I just hope that's what I do. I want to help others, I don't like seeing people suffer. I want to be able to reach into darkness and pull another hand into the light; I want to find myself in this process and assist others with finding themselves.
Thank you for reading.
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