The Demons can not hide forever

Today in art therapy, my art therapist suggested I have a one-on-one art therapy session with her.  I guess my artwork has been very dark and deep lately that she wanted to discuss it in further detail.  I had no idea something like this would be offered, but I'm kind of glad she suggested it. 

You see...back in high school, I was in a gifted and talented art class my junior and senior year.  I remember my teacher in junior year being very concerned about some of the artwork and thoughts I was producing in my homework. (We had to draw for an hour, write a fact relating to art, and write a thought).

Here is an example of one of my homework assignments- I think I destroyed all of the other pages to my sketchbook- The thought with this one was a positive one- "Is senior year really suppose to be the best year of your life? Will it be my best year? I wonder what next summer will bring")

So...this one day in particular, my teacher approached me and asked to speak with me in private. He discussed my homework and expressed how concerned he was about some of my depressive, deep, and dark, sometimes suicidal thoughts I had written about. (I did not expect him to actual go through our homework thoroughly).  All I could do though, was laugh it off and say "oh it's nothing...they are just thoughts- I didn't mean anything by them".  But that was a lie.  Back then I had a great way of smiling and shrugging things off. I had the greatest ability to keep my demons hidden and I hid them well- for they weren't strong enough...yet.  At this point in my life, people were unaware of the self hatred and the darkness in my soul that years later would engulf every part of my existence.
It was then after my teacher's inquisitiveness that I made sure to make all of my other thoughts bubbly, filled with positivity (such as the one above), filled with big fat lies, filled with superficiality.    I couldn't let my soul be exposed any further...that was too close of a call...too close of a call to be sent to therapy and labeled a crazy.

So fast forward 13/14 years later. And here I am again approached by someone having concern with my artwork.  However, this time I can't get away with smiling and shrugging it off. Unlike last time in h.s., this time I am labeled a crazy- I have the numerous psych ward visits to prove it.   Although, the demons have taken over, my art therapists notices the small flickering light within my soul that is crying out for help. (It reminds me of the exorcist- when Help is etched into the girl's skin- it's her small flickering light within her soul crying out for help.)


 In each art therapy class, we start out by reading a quote written on the board by our therapist. (Although I don't have the specific quotes, I will try to attain them within the next few days and update them in this blog)
So last Monday, I created the following pieces of art work.  (If you read my Happy Re-Birth-Day post, you've already seen some of them.)
The purpose of the art work for Monday had to reflect a metaphor.  So, I produced two products of art- if that's what you'd call them.

 

The metaphors I used in this one are: 'My heart  It bleeds  It hurts  As if it were stabbed a million times.' and  'My heart bleeds,  Blood dropping like raindrops falling from the sky'.  This piece of art was made with glitter paint, chalk pastels, and a sharpie marker on regular paper.

This piece of art was of a tornado destroying a heart with the words "All I had is destroyed.  It's as if a tornado wrecked havoc on my mind, body and soul" This was made with glitter paint and pastel chalk on construction paper.


On Friday- we had another project to work on.   It was basically to do whatever you want, but the quote had to deal with therapy and suffering.  (Again, I'll attempt to get the quotes within the next few days and repost them on here).

For this drawing, I used chalk pastels as well as oil pastels.  It was inspired by a painting I did years ago (also shown in The Land of Misfit Toys post).  I call this piece "The fallen broken angel".  As you can see, it's of an angel on a rock surrounded by fire burning all around her. You can't really see, but I put teardrops falling from her face- with the color of blood.  Although this piece of work is dark and depressing, I added a tiny light of hope in there with the sun and the sun rays shining through.  I guess this depicts the therapy that helps alleviate suffering.  The white things near the sun, which kind of look like mountain tops- are supposed to be wings of another angel.  Washed out- I have the words "Will we burn in Heaven like we do down here"  one of my favorite Sarah McLachlan songs. 
One last thing I'd like to add about this piece is in regards to the fact that when in a depressed state, it's sometimes so hard to see the light that shines above- especially when you are looking down. You also forget to realize you have wings- however, when lightening strikes- it is hard to fly.   






Today in art therapy our quote was in regards to paths.   When thinking about what to draw- Robert Frost's poem- "The Road Not Taken"  as well as Dr. M. Scott Peck's book "The Road Less Traveled" came to mind.  So again, using pastel chalk I made the following:

In this drawing, I was depicting an aerial type of view of the 2 paths.  You can clearly see the beaten path on the left, which depicts the idea of instant pleasure leading to future pain.
 Although from the view I show, you can see the huge fire/destruction, if a person were standing on the path- they wouldn't notice the fire for it is obscured by the abundance and beauty of the trees.  This path represents instant pleasure- A path I constantly go down.


The path to the right is of course, the path less traveled.  The reason why it's less traveled is because I continue to go down the wrong path, the path to the left and not learn from my mistakes. The reason why I go down that path is for obvious reasons- to avoid the pain I have to deal with at present moment.  So the path on the right clearly shows you that you have to experience the pain now and in doing so, your life will be more at peace and less painful than it would be taking the other path.  Notice also how I made the size of the fire in each path a different size.  The instant pleasure side has a bigger fire due to the fact that avoiding the present pain will bite you in the ass and cause more damage in the future.  While the fire on the right just shows you that if you accept whatever hell you are facing at present moment, it's not as big as it would be when you ignore it.

My advice- Take the path less travel, The road not taken. It's the same advice as Robert Frost and Dr. M. Scott Peck have given.  Trust me when I say this- it will keep you from suffering tremendously- take it from someone who knows!

Thank you for reading!