Happy Re-Birth-Day

So...here I am. 31 years of age..I survived.  It was a hard day- I felt as though I was ran over by a truck, bus, plane, automobile, bicycle, a  reindeer- you name it- I was ran over by it.  I was in pain and exhausted, mentally and physically.  I realized that some of the physical pain/exhaustion may be due to the gym yesterday, but a lot of it had to do with my emotional and mental unstable-ness.    (Please excuse me- I tend to make up a lot of my own words). Overall, I felt like raw meat- skinned alive..My skin laying heavy on the floor soaked in tons of blood. But luckily- no psych ward visit today!

ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) has been going through my mind a lot lately (Pun intended- or at least I think that's the right phrase to say...Again, please excuse me. I'm not an English major, never was.  I scored the same score on verbal section of the GRE as my friend's husband who just learned how to speak English 7 years ago- Yes...I'm that good!)    So besides the point.  I'm really considering having this procedure done.  I always told myself I needed a zap to the brain...and low and behold..the universe is providing.  That's what happens when you put stuff out there.  Hence why it's so important to put good energy out. 

As I met with my psychiatrist today during therapy- I told her I was ready.  She had mentioned ECT briefly in the past, as well as trying different drugs- but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to try different drugs b/c I feel as though I have tried enough. Plus I have a huge fear of the side effects. Ever since having a pulmonary embolism due to birth control (Never smoked, was very active- not the typical candidate for one), I'm weary of all meds.  Plus I've tried so many in the past. The one med she specifically was thinking about having me try was the one that I was put on in the psych ward where I nearly went postal.
  I didn't want to hear about ECT because I wanted to believe that the meds I was on were just fine. Honestly, I just didn't want to believe I had any issues at all. 
 However, yesterday's episode proved me wrong. I had terrible issues.  So, today I told my psychiatrist that I just couldn't live this way anymore.  No drugs work.  Although they may keep me level for the most part, when I get into my depression I get deep! So deep that yesterday in art therapy I drew/painted and wrote the following (We were to make a drawing out of a metaphor) 

All I had is destroyed: It's as if a tornado wrecked havoc on my mind body and soul.  (As you can see in the drawing, I drew a tornado and in case you couldn't tell- it's a heart being destroyed by the tornado)

My heart, It bleeds, It hurts.  As if it was stabbed a million times.  Another metaphor I wrote was :my heart bleeds, blood dropping like raindrops falling from the sky.

So-  my psychiatrist stated that my social worker and her will get in contact with the ECT department and figure out the next steps. In the meantime, instead of going to the Trauma groups, I'll be placed in the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy groups.   This group will be less triggering and working more on the coping skills of dealing with emotional instability, which is just up my ally and has always been since probably about 2 years old. 



Before coming home, I decided to treat myself by walking 3 dogs at the rescue shelter.  They helped a lot with grounding me and giving me love.  While walking them, I did a lot of thinking (surprise, surprise) One of the thoughts that came to my mind was Emotional Instability.  I was contemplating a chicken or an egg scenario.  What comes first= Does emotional instability come first? Does emotional instability cause all the other instabilities in life like financial, etc. Or is it all vice versa.  Before I drove myself into further insanity- I decided that in my case-my low self esteem was brought on by Emotional instability which caused instability in all other areas and left it at that.  Then I got on the topic of gratefulness and questioned if emotional instability caused lack of gratitude.   Poor dogs, no wonder why they look at me so sadly-especially Brooklyn. Han Solo couldn't even look at me due to how pathetic I was. And as far  as Espresso is concerned- he was high on just that- Espresso! !

Brooklyn

Espresso

Han Solo

After my adventure of dog walking, I headed towards home, where I stopped at a park to run a mile.  It of course felt like I was running a marathon because apparently everything feels like a marathon with me.  After this, I made it home where I was surprised with the following:

My mom knows me well. Forget cut flowers- buy a plant that you can enjoy year after year! I do love Tulips. Actually I love all flowers! Who can not love all flowers? Okay...I understand..maybe those who suffer from allergies.  I should refrain from making judgments (distorted thinking-should- mixed with Coping skill- wise mind---yes!!)

I love my mom, my dad, and my family.  I don't say it enough and I don't appreciate them enough.  My hope is that sooner rather than later I learn to be grateful for everything. I want to be grateful for those who truly love me.  It's heartbreaking how I always look for those who don't love me to love me and don't appreciate those that actually do love me.  I question why I do this and I can only come up with the fact that maybe it's because I want to feel some validation from these people. I want to know that  I'm on their mind. I want them to like me....I want them to love me.  Obviously something I need to work on because in reality, I shouldn't give a rat's ass about these people and secondly, they are idiots for not appreciating the person I am and it's their loss- fuckers! (Although I fully don't believe this, I'm attempting to fake until I make it..so as I was saying- fuck you fuckers.). I should add..that I'm currently on a pendulum swing, therefore it is not my time yet to have compassion.  Once this pendulum is done swinging, it will level out where compassion will be shown.  Be on the lookout for a future compassion Blog!!!! Not coming any time soon!!!! jk

Anywho...(I dislike when people say that, but I'm being a hypocrite)  This all leads me to the following:  despite all of the texts and calls I got wishing me a happy birthday, I couldn't help but continue to check my phone and email ALL DAY to see if this one particular person sent me a happy birthday message.  Which of course he didn't.  What was I thinking I ask myself?  Why do I ever get involved in these relationships with these people??  Is it because I feel as though I need to help them/save them? Is it because I'm that pathetic/that desperate for anyone- no matter who it is? I don't know...for whatever reason it is...it needs to stop.  (BTW...I will be writing a blog entry on why dating guys with children is an awful idea and shall call it RUN AWAY...RUN FAR AWAY- RUN FARTHER- NOPE STILL TOO CLOSE- FARTHER! ). In all actuality I think I'll write maybe I'll will also include on why dating a guy in general is an awful idea and call it MOVE BACK TO VENUS FOR YOUR OWN SANITY instead.



No matter what though, I still have a hard time letting people like this go.

I had a great conversation with my friend H.B tonight regarding this matter!  I love her. She is so wise and just amazing!  She stated the following which is so true: Letting go is hard, especially when our life is so unstable on all grounds because there is nothing to hold on to;  nothing to keep you distracted.  Like if I had an amazing job, a great apartment, a good paycheck and a shit load of friends with an amazing family...losing a guy would be like a little thing because I would still have everything else.  But we don't have much of anything else  so what we have we hold onto and it's a great theory they tell us of letting go and all, but this shit just does not happen over night.

She also mentioned how our society is all about loving only when your life is amazing, you are perfect, always happy and never need anything, but that's all bullshit! And she is so right!

So, overall, I survived another day. I'm going to bed with peace.  I feel loved by many and I need to focus on them and not the one rotten apple who failed to think about me.  Normally, I'd make excuses for him as to why he didn't or worst, listen and believe his excuses, but fuck that shit. I'm done making excuses for other people and I'm done hearing their bullshit.  Time for change.  Time to get rid of all the rotten apples- there is no point on holding on to them- they are just going to spoil the others.  I have to use this analogy with my thoughts as well.   Fuck you rotten apple thoughts!!




















 So I declared today as my re-birth-day!

I'm going to come back stronger than ever

Back in the day when I was fit.

and I'm not going to let anybody get in my way...not even a man who needs saving. That's not my job- that's between him and Jesus- or better yet that's between him and his mom!

 


Thank you for reading! :)