Triggers

Today's topic in Trauma Ed group therapy was in regards to Triggers; understanding and coping with them.

This topic came in perfect timing-as tomorrow is my birthday and one of the biggest triggers of all. Each year at this time, I go into a deeper depression.  I don't really understand why.  I guess, as I mentioned in my last post, I hate the idea of living another year.

I was originally hoping this journal entry would be my last. I was going to title it "One less fool to walk the earth" 
I had a SI ( Suicidal Ideation-a plan) that I was so tempted to carry out tonight.  I had it in my head that I'd take my father's blood pressure pills. What stopped me?  My room.  Unfortunately, my room and car are too messy to leave behind.  My parents always taught me to clean up after we go anywhere. Whenever I'd go places or move I always made sure to leave it better than how it was before.  And if I'm going to leave this world, I wanted to make sure I left it organized and clean so my family had less work to do.  After all, who likes to go through somebody's belongings when they have died?  If only I had things organized into boxes ready to go to Salvation Army, things may be different.  So as of right now,  I can't say one less fool to walk the earth, because in actuality, this fool will continue to walk..until this room gets cleaned and organized. And for those who know me- me having a clean and organized room is unheard of. My room, like my life is disheveled and has been so for quite some time. I've never been able to keep my room spotless. It could take me months to clean my room and once it is clean, hours later, it's as if a tornado destroyed it.

 As I came home tonight from my program, my mother knew something was wrong.  I tried avoiding her, but she kept persisting, until finally I broke down and told her I didn't want to live and my plan. When I told her that I hadn't done anything yet because my room wasn't clean . She asked- "Do you think that's what we'd be worried about- you're room not being clean."  My response was "well if it were clean- it wouldn't be a big hassle to clean it." In which she replied "You're father would be destroyed, I'd be devastated, Patrick would be devastated and Bridget as well. Do you not think about that?"  All I could say "Don't you not want to see me suffering anymore? Wouldn't it be a relief for all of you if you knew I no longer suffered"  As I sat there sobbing, she wrapped her arms around me and held me close. It was so nice being next to her warmth.
She sat there holding me as I recounted my 21st birthday. My mom never heard this story until now (She actually hadn't heard a lot of my stories until my psych ward visits where a lot came up).

10 years ago today, I attempted suicide.  It was my 21st birthday.  I went out with 2 of my friends.  I remember feeling sad about that because I'd hear of people renting out spaces to throw their party.  I never had that opportunity.  I never had the money.  This wasn't all that made me sad; it was just my life and the pressure of it all. I had no idea where I was going, what I was doing, or who I was. (Still sounds familiar to this day)
So after a night of drinking, we got in the car and headed back to campus.  I didn't want to go.  I hated college. I hated my major. Overall, I hated my life.  However, I had no choice, but to go.  While in the passenger seat of the car, I told my friends of my wanting to die..my wanting to end it all and my wanting to jump out of the car as it was moving. Moments later after saying that, I unhooked my seatbelt and went to unlock the door and open it. My friend, Kate, was sitting behind me quickly sprung into action, grabbing me as I tried fighting.  Let me just die.  But she wouldn't let go.  Fuck.  I just wanted to die. 

I remember at 17, while most people went to get their license on their birthday, I waited a week. I didn't want to fail on my birthday- I was convinced I would. Talk about low self esteem.

Another birthday I had extreme trouble with was with my 16th birthday. My uncle passed away 6 months prior and I missed him so much.  He was like a second father. He was so kind and generous.  Even though I had a dance competition that day and did well in it (coming home with a crystal and all). I still couldn't be content. Maybe it had something to do with being 16 and not really having a sweet 16 party like all of my "friends", or maybe I realized I didn't really have any friends.   I don't know- whatever it was, all I did know was that I was depressed; I missed my uncle and I didn't want to live.

I remember being 13 and having to beg my mom for a birthday party (I had to beg her for a lot of things. I saw my sister get all of this stuff, but when it came my turn- I had to beg)
So I begged for a birthday party and invited my "so called friends".  While at the party, someone came up with this brilliant idea (Or lack thereof) to prank a girl we went to school with.  This girl happened to be the daughter of the neighbor who told me I was ugly, stupid and wouldn't amount to anything.

Her name was B. and poor B. had to live with this woman.  B. and I were once inseparable, but grew apart after a few years. A lot of this had to do with her wretched mother and some of it had to do with the fact she was constantly threatening to sue anybody and everybody.  Part of it had to do with me not wanting to be associated with her anymore.  I wanted to have friends and if I stayed with B., I wouldn't have any. I was already made fun of and tormented enough, being with her would have caused so much more abuse etc. 

So the person that was elected to call B. was...you guessed it...me.   I remember feeling so uneasy about it. My inner gut screaming at me "Don't do it" Don't be a hypocrite.   You wouldn't want people to do this to you- Don't do it." But peer pressure took over.  I desperately wanted to be liked.  
So I did it. and to this day I regret it.
I called and pretended to be this guy V. from our school. I forget exactly what was said, but whatever it was, it was stupid and I hung up the phone. Little did I know about call waiting; however, after the call one of my "friends" said -oh we should have blocked the caller ID.  So...a  few minutes later the phone rang and it was the devil  (B's mom)  asking to speak with my mom.

Party over.

After this situation- I was told no more parties ever.


From time to time I will be reminded of this birthday. Someone will say "Remember when we called B." Although they still think it was funny, I don't find anything funny about it. I want to force myself to forget it. I hurt somebody. Even though B. and I have spoken throughout the years and even though I've apologized and she has forgiven me, I can't forgive myself.


So coming back to the present, I have no idea what my birthday entails. As of right now, it's surviving another day. Talking and being held tightly and closely by my mom as she cradled me was a huge SI relief.   Originally, she was considering taking me to the hospital/psych ward tonight, but after speaking with her,  being held by her, and my SI diminishing,  we decided to wait until the morning. So, I don't know what tomorrow brings.   I may spend it celebrating it in a psych ward like I did for new year's this year.  I guess it all depends on how tonight goes.

Thank you for reading.


Have a good night.