Cleaning room saga.

While cleaning out my room and purging all of the memories from my past, I came upon my journals I wrote from high school to present.  I couldn't help but go through them all page by page; It definitely triggered A LOT of emotions from doing so, but it was very releasing/healing as I ripped each page out and threw it in the recycling bin.
While reflecting, I realized how strange it is that there can be so many changes and none at all at the the same time. Getting older has brought about a lot of change in many ways- physically, intellectually, spiritually etc.. But the things that have remained the same for me has been my inability to be comfortable in my own skin, the inability to love myself, my constant search for not only happiness, but also for  having a sense of belonging and wanting to be/feel loved by others (probably to overcompensate for the lack of love I have for myself). I think it's quite sad to live a life full of insecurities, depression, low self worth/confidence/self-hatred and the desperate need to find outside pleasures to help mend internal pain; and overall, I think it's just a sad place to be when you are a lost soul.   Unfortunately this all represents my life.

Over 11 years ago- I wrote the following poems:

I just need to find a peaceful place
To go somewhere and hide my face
Keep me away from this misery
Keep me away from what I see
All I want to do is dream
Dream of the life that should have been
For this life I have has gotten old
All I can say is that I'm ready to fold
Written 12/18/03

All the things you said
Kept running in my head
Words I wish not to describe
Expressions I wish I could hide.
The dreams I had have perished
There is nothing in this life to cherish
Written 03/03

Within my other blog entries, there are poems I have written more recently (Please check them out if you'd wish- Shredded Heart, Desperate, Chemical Dependency and Fucked up Mind). The sad thing is that they basically say the same things as the ones above- even 11 years later.  I don't know why it is that I haven't learned to love myself.  Perhaps it's from some trauma I experience throughout the years, especially from childhood.  It's sad to say, but when I look in the mirror the reflection I see sometimes is similar to the girl from The Ring- I wish I were kidding, but I'm not. I guess it's better seeing a reflection than avoiding seeing anything at all like I did when I was 13.    I obviously have an extreme warped perception of myself and it has affected my life tremendously in all aspects- in work, relationships, school; etc. It's quite debilitating.  I can see light in others, but I can't see any light within my soul.  And there is no one to blame but myself and there is no one who can fix it, but myself.  I guess this all explains why I had to go to four psych wards in the last 3 months; when you carry this all around for years, one is bound for a breakdown or 4.  
So now that I'm out of the psych wards, I am currently doing an 8 week intensive therapy program. Working on yourself is the hardest, most exhausting job ever and I have a lot of work to do. Each day I feel as though I ran a marathon without even taking one step.  But the most important thing is that I'm showing up- that's half of the battle.   What I want to to achieve most out of this program is love for myself/ to find the light I see in others in myself. 

Serenity- painting I did a few years back

Thank you for reading!








.