I understand that being around a depressed person is not always easy- it's also not always easy being around yourself when you are the one depressed- trust me- that's why suicide/suicidal idealization can play a big role. A depressed person doesn't want to burden those around them and just sometimes they can't take the pain they are experiencing. Although from the outside, suicide is seen as a selfish act, when you are in the depressed state of mind- you really think it's a selfless act because you feel as though being non existent will bring relief to others, as well as yourself. In this heightened state- you feel as though you are a burden and realize you don't want to bring those around you down.
For someone who has experienced gallbladder pain and multiple kidney stones, nothing comes close to true emotional pain. The best way I can describe it is it feels as though your heart is being clawed at until there is nothing left- and it doesn't go away. It also doesn't help that when one experiences this pain, a panic attack as can occur.
(Please note the following quotes were taken from from Health.com)
1) "There's is always someone worse off than you" or
"You should be grateful for what you have"
- This is not good to say reason being-as a depressed person you are aware that people are worse off than you and sometimes knowing people are worse off and not being grateful for what you have when you should be, but you're not- causes your depression to worsen. Some people go into depression due to the state of the world because they feel helpless and realize that they can't help those worse off. Some people carry the weight of world on their shoulders because they care too much and want to be like Mother Teresa. When they realize the weight is too much, a lot of times they will experience a breakdown/go into a depressed state. So saying such a comment with further lead them into depression.
2) "No one ever said that life was fair".
Really? No fucking way! We know life isn't fair. Sometimes being dealt a bad hand of cards-one after another after another etc can wear down people down- especially people who have high expectations and want the best. This can also occur to people who don't have the right, healthy coping skills to deal with the trials and tribulations of life. So when expectations/dreams are being destroyed one after another, it's easy to give up because if you are running on fumes, you feel exhausted and can't keep up. It's easier said than done to say..well just have lesser expectations. This is something not learned overnight- it takes a lot of time and practice to get to this state.
3) "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
Grrrrrrrrr. This one will send me on a rampage. Sometimes depression isn't about self pity. Sometimes it's about self HATRED. Two separate things. And even if it was self pity- it's valid. Some depressed people mean well and want to do so much (like save the world) and when they become overwhelmed and can't do basic things like get up out of bed, never mind taking a shower- they are going to feel sorry because again, they want to be able to do things, but are bogged down and it just sends them into a negative spiral. I suffer from extreme self hate- a lot of this is brought on by low self esteem that is carried on since childhood. Even though most people would say get over it- it's not that easy- while some people may be made of teflon and can let things slide off of them, some of us are sponges and absorb all the negative things said to us.
4) "So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?"
Way to be cognitively distorted asshole! Or better yet- Way to be an asshole- aren't you always an asshole, asshole. That's all I have to say for this one.
5)"Try not to be so depressed. Look at the positive"
First off- it's do or do not, there is no try. Secondly- have a demon possess you and try to be positive; I'm sorry, but demons aren't positive. In a depressed mind frame all you can see is darkness there is no positiveness.
6) "It’s your own fault"
My one sister was always good at saying this.
Actually it's my parents...or better yet it's DNA's fault asshole thank you very much. There is something called genetics and there are also things called circumstances/situations...like Death, loss of job, divorce etc, as well as undiagnosed physical conditions and everything else I had mentioned earlier. It always takes two to tango so nothing can be all someone's fault.
7) "Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days."
That is not depression- that is sadness-two separate things...Depression lasts much longer. I think in general, nobody should ever say I know how you feel- because only the person feeling it will know exactly how they feel.
8)"I think your depression is a way of punishing us"
I have no words!
9) "Haven’t you grown tired of all this “me, me, me” stuff yet?"
In a depressed state- all you see is tunnel vision. It's hard to see that there is light of day. It's also hard to relate to people because you feel alone. Also, yes- we have grown tired of the person we've become or hated immensely the person we've become, which is why again- some depressed people will contemplate suicide because they can't get rid of the repetitive thought process.
10) "Have you tried chamomile tea?" or Meds are bad.
For someone who has tried giving up meds and attempted the holistic approach -of essential oils, herbal teas, reiki, meditating, moving to a spiritual retreat center, 5HTP and SAM -E- it didn't work. Some of this put me into a further depressed state and caused further suicidal ideation. After trying for 8 months a naturalistic route- I ended up in a psych ward four times in a very short period of time (3 months). So yes- I have tried chamomile tea.
Please- whatever you do- don't be bashing pharmaceutical companies and such when talking to a depressed person who is on meds. It takes a lot of courage for us to seek help and we are in vulnerable positions. Don't get involved in playing doctor. It's nice you are trying to help, but you could be causing more harm. A lot of times when someone discusses alternative medicine to someone with depression and how awful the pharmaceutical drugs are- they may stop their antidepressants and go into further depression. Please- just let the person figure things out on their own. I explained to this one person (who mentioned to me to try hallucinogens because it will cure my ills and that meds only prolonged things and makes them worse) that as much as I hate meds and all, I need them. I also won't do drugs of any kind. I have had a lot of trauma in my life, low self confidence/self hate, have genetic predisposition etc. What I have going on I know is much deeper than therapy and meds can fix, but at least the meds I'm on are keeping me from killing myself. So please- keep your beliefs about what people who are depressed should be taking/doing to yourself.
And please- if you are an alcoholic, smoker, or drug user giving advice- don't. You obviously need help for your own problems. Focus on yourself.
The last statement that I've heard numerous times, especially when involved in a romantic relationship is "If you love me you shouldn't be depressed or taking meds" or better yet "There is no such thing as depression"
No, it's if you loved me- you would support me.
I had two boyfriends in my past who used the line "If you love me you shouldn't be depressed or taking meds" You would think that after my experience with my first boyfriend that I would have learned and kick anybody who says such things to the curb...but I didn't. The second boyfriend was worst because he is the one that told me that there is no such thing as depression. So...of course when I was told this, I honestly contemplated it because I did love the guys.. And because of this and wanting to please them and not hurt their feelings for helping myself.. what did I do?....I stopped taking them. The after affects were horrible because, naturally, I went into a further state of deep depression..both times. The second time was worst because I attempted suicide.
The following is a list of things to say instead:
I'm here for you
I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.
I love you. (Say this only if you mean it.)
I care about you.
I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.
You are not crazy- you are just going through a difficult time.
You are not alone in this
You are important./ You are important to me.
I want the best for you/ I will pray for you/You are in my prayers/a lot of people are praying for you
We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.
Any other loving, positive words/affirmations. (As you learn in kindergarten- if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all)
If you are lost for words- the best thing you can do is offer a hug
Sometimes, not saying anything is the best, honestly- just allow a depressed person to vent.
If you are finding that a depressed person is too much for you to handle, which I will admit we can be- and we are aware of it (we don't mean to be- we are just like a scratched record that keeps on repeating) give them/yourself space-Don't abandon them- tell them that you understand they are going through something very difficult, but you don't have the resources to help them. You can tell them that you are not a therapist or trained in these matters. And offer a hug. If you know of a good therapist refer them.
Even just being honest and saying something like "I'm sorry I can't help take away this pain you are feeling" is okay. It's good to be honest.
Trust me, as I've said before, I know it's really difficult being around someone depressed- negative energy is very powerful- so powerful it takes 3-5 positives to eliminate one negative. Whatever you say, just please be positive. Again- if the depression is too much for your to handle-tell them you are sorry you can't help them at this time. Just add 3-5 positive sayings to it. Like just know you are beautiful, you will get through this, I love you, you are an amazing person, don't give up etc.
I hope this helps.
Thank you for reading!
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