Seeing some light

Peacock by me- Made with markers

This is the first uplifting drawing with markers (that's all that was available) I did while in the psych ward- I haven't drawn anything uplifting in a long time- it's been at least  6 months since I've drawn/painted something nice.   The previous drawings I did while in the psych ward-ended up being ripped up and thrown in the trash for they were too dark, too graphic and too depressing.
 On  one page I had the world burning in fire and the countries were all outlined with fire with the words "Will we burn in heaven like we do down here written"(from sarah mclachlan's song). On another drawing, I drew a fallen angel crying on a rock with fire all around her and fire lightning bolts striking down against a dark black purple sky.  Another drawing I did, I had a rat in a cage and wrote "Despite all of my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage"(smashing pumpkins song), "People suck" and "The shit I am dealing with is too deep for meds to fix, too deep for therapy to fix; the shit is just way too deep it has captivated my soul and has held me hostage" So..as you can tell by this drawing I'm in a much better place.


 Going somewhat off topic-  I find it really disturbing what meds can do to you, which is one of the reasons why I prefer to go the holistic approach. However, what I've been through in the last 6 months, the holistic route won't be happening any time in the near future as I finally have something that works.
So in this past month,  I was at one psych ward for 12 days and then transferred to another one for another 12 days. (Mind you before all of this  I was at another psych ward for 12 days and was only out 1.5 weeks)  The day I got to the transferred psych ward, the doctor took me off one of the 2 meds I was on and put me on the new med Latuda.  After two days of taking it I ended up more psychotic/suicidal/ depressed/irritable/angry- talk about bipolar- I was experiencing mood swings at least 20 times a day for three days; and t was during this time frame I was drawing pictures of the world burning and rats being stuck in cages.   On the second day of this psychotic behavior the dr.  wanted to up the Latuda from 60 mg to 80 mg.  Luckily I refused to even take that pill that night and the next day. I didn't understand the logic of increasing meds when someone is experiencing extreme psychotic behavior. By psychotic behavior I mean- I had to be put on suicidal watch because I told the dr. I wanted to put my wet fingers in the outlets and was contemplating all the ways I could try to get away with killing myself at the facility (to think that you can get away with committing suicide at a psych ward is as psychotic as it gets). Plus I started yelling at the nurses for them not allowing me to have chocolate. It was pretty pathetic- we were allowed ice cream; mind you- I hadn't eaten anything sweet for 5 days (and this is coming from a chocoholic/candyholic) The minute the icecream and a morsel of chocolate touched my lips, my brain went off. I finished the ice cream and was craving my candy bar that was locked up.  I went to my nurse and then to the head nurse to get the candy and was denied it, which set me off.  I was screaming on top of my lungs telling them "no wonder why people are suicidal- you won't allow people to have their candy. You'll allow people to get their fix with smoking to damage their lungs and help oncologists and cancer centers to make more money but you won't give me candy" Did I say I was psychotic??

, I hate the psychiatric field because   It's as if they are trying to make people sick.  Anyway- the good news is that I refused the meds and started feeling better than I ever felt in a long time.  When I had the team meeting the following day (with dr, psychologist, nurses, allied health therapists), I told them that I don't think they understood what my brain has been going through the last 4 months- from my self medicating to all the different regimens of drugs I was put on each psych ward.  I told them that I would prefer to be taken off all meds, let my brain go to its natural state and then start from there. Well the dr. wasn't too thrilled with this and stated that he will just keep me on only 1 med.  Luckily this med is working just fine and I no longer feel as though I'm overdosed on meds, psychotic, suicidal, or depressed. Again, ideally, and as most people on meds for mental illness think- I'd rather be off meds and working through natural remedies; however, this world we live in is far from ideal and that's something I must accept.  So yay to happy pills at present moment.


Thank you for reading!