The Land of Misfit Toys

Picture taken at what we called Solstice Rock

It was about a year ago when I decided to move from Chicago to the secluded mountains of Colorado.  I was filled with high hopes and dreams. Prior to this decision, I was contemplating  where I'd like my next adventure to be. I knew it was time for change.  My job was going through a huge transition that didn't seem like it was for the better. (At this time I was working with my disabled women and the company went from caring about its employees and most importantly, the clients to not caring about anyone and just running like an institution from back in the day).  I didn't see the company existing much longer- for all the employees that were there for years had quit or were fired for political, petty, stupid reasons.  All in all, good people were leaving and evilness was taking over.
Besides all of this happening, it was just personally time for me to start my own adventure in life. I was tired of telling people (when they'd ask me why I moved to Chicago) that my ex husband got a job there.  I wanted to start having answers such as because I wanted to/I wanted adventure. Although I loved Chicago, I just knew... it was time.
So...what's next I pondered.
 I dug deep inside myself to figure out where I'd like to see myself and what I wanted to do.  While meditating and asking for guidance from above, the idea of living near mountains;being with mother nature came up.  I realized that I wanted to be away from the hustle and bustle of city life; I wanted to live simply, healthily and have a better sense of freedom.  Overall I just wanted to have a better sense of myself and find myself.   I wasn't sure what to really expect- I just knew I needed something.

 After doing some research, I came upon this center that was hiring that appeared to be a good fit- especially because meditation was a requirement.  I was convinced this place I was going to move to and work as housekeeping manager would be a great experience and a great promoter of healthy living.  Boy..was I in for a real treat.  I guess that's what happens when you fail to recognize the red flags that come up- Red flag #1- there sure are a lot of job openings; Red flag #2: my expectations are way too high. 

Prior to leaving for Colorado I wrote on my notepad:
"Am I trying to find Jesus
Or Am I trying to find myself
Whatever it is, there is something I need to find
I've taken so many things, so many people, so many places for granted
I've spent too much time procrastinating; so much time not living, just existing, so much time judging others, so much time judging myself.
There is so much beauty in the world that I've failed to see.
So much I've taken advantage of
Living this life as if I'm meant to live forever, not realizing the preciousness of it all
I've been procrastinating on everything, on dreams, on life, on love
Not valuing taking care of myself, of anything, of anyone.
Not taking care of the whole nest I live in...and I have nobody to blame but myself.
I have not valued
I have not lived
I have not loved
 I've been wasteful
I've been dependent on others
I've been extreme
There is a lot I don't understand- I don't understand a thing
I'm just learning how to  fall in love with myself and it's the scariest thing ever-
I'm just learning that I have a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul."



When I first moved to Colorado, I stayed with a friend for a week and explored Denver.  It was so beautiful, fresh and clean; until you got to certain spots that smelt like weed.  I know for some people, the smell of weed excites them..not the case for me.

Picture I had taken in Denver

Anyway, after a week of exploration, I ended up going to the mountain, and again, was filled with excitement and great hopes. I started the new adventure by volunteering with set up.  This entailed putting up tent villages for programs during the summer months. Within this time of volunteering, I went to HR to further discuss the Housekeeping manager opportunity that I did the phone interview for and was now going to go through the next steps.  When I met with the HR representative, she told me, nonchalantly that the position was no longer available.  Red flag #3.  I went into shock- this center was aware that I was moving my life here to work and be a manager as discussed in the phone interview.  And then I'm told the job no longer is available because the useless piece of shit of a manager that was going to leave decided to stay and become even a bigger useless piece of shit.  (Really- this guy was the biggest useless piece of shit- he will appear in a future blog titled biggest useless piece of shit ever to walk this earth...in all actuality he's so useless he doesn't deserve to take up space on my blog- he's already wasting enough space, especially in my mind (I know that sounds so mean, but if you had to work with this guy- you'd understand).
  Anyway after nearly going into Oh Shit mode/What did I do, I asked "How was I not notified of this earlier? I told you I was going to move my life here and nobody gave me the decency to give me prior notice? So if that position isn't available- I know there were some housekeeping assistant positions opened that were posted on your site."  Which she then stated in her nonchalant manner "Oh we normally don't hire until the end of the summer" (Mind you,  they do this so they can use volunteers and not have to pay for those months of labor- Red Flag #4).  In shock, all I could say was  "I can't wait until September to get paid.  I already had planned ahead that for 3 months I'd be without insurance and have just enough for those 3 months to pay for temporary insurance." She didn't seem to care.  I continued by asking "Is there anything that can be done so that I can start getting paid for this coming month, otherwise I'm not going to be able to stay." In which she responded,  "I'll look into it." You would think that after this shady experience I would have packed my bags and ran, but no- I stayed. I guess things were looking up- things went in my favor and I started getting paid on the first of June.

Just a few days before June, however, I remember being at this body painting party- where I sadly painted myself. After feeling like the 13 year old trapped in my 30 year old body, I left the party discouraged, feeling alone, etc. I remember looking at the beautiful Colorado night sky with the stars twinkling about asking the heavens/gods above- Do I belong here? Where do I belong? Is there any place? I pleaded for an answer and next thing I know I heard a crack and fell into a ditch.   Miraculously I didn't break anything, but boy did I sprain that puppy badly.  That's what you get for questioning the heavens/gods.

My sprained foot and I- I needed to have my license revoked driving that thing

The summer months went by quickly; However, I did sense there was some strangeness among this center and among some of the programs that were being offered.  Red flag #5-1000000.  First of all, I learned that this Buddhist center was founded by an alcoholic and womanizer. This center and the people worshiped the founder as if he was God.  (For me, I don't like any type of worshiping, whether it's in regards to God or not).  After this founder died due to cirrhosis, the spiritual leader after him had AIDS and spread it among underage boys he slept with. He believed he was so enlightened that he and others were protected from AIDS.  And people still worshiped and honored him!
 I'm not saying I'm some Buddhism/Buddhist expert, but from the readings I have done regarding Buddha/Buddhism, there was just a lot within this center that didn't make sense to me, especially what I mentioned above.
 There were other things I was  uneasy about/didn't understand. For example, there seemed to be a lot of secrecy in the community; only high level practitioners could be exposed to. (Maybe it's my own ignorance to the culture- but I hate secrecy) The teachings considered only certain things to be sacred- where I thought in Buddhism, everything is considered sacred.  Also, when I spoke with people about this particular center and it's beliefs- they said it sounds like Scientology. (which in actuality it does- they do both have levels and it's all filled with craziness on how to be enlightened)!
I also had the wonderful experience of being called a "micK" by the director of education and practice studies here while he was on one of his belligerent drinking spree.  (Mind you...this guy was also a high level practitioner).
 Overall, I found this center and it's teachings to be very cult like and it just wasn't my cup of tea. Some people may ask why I didn't leave this center sooner, especially after finding this all out. All I can say is good question! I guess for me, I  enjoyed most of the people there..I enjoyed being with mother nature and being on top of a mountain. In all honesty, I didn't leave because I wasn't ready and didn't want to: I just wasn't ready to face reality/face the world.  In a weird way, it was comforting being on this "island."

In regards to the strangeness of the programs- there was this one high level program that was affiliated with the center's teachings.  The program was 10 days long and for all 10 days, the participants only wore white, only ate white colored food, and couldn't speak. They walked around like zombies and this was all to signify purity and total "enlightenment".  In actuality, I think it just signified insanity.  I say that for obvious reasons, but most importantly I say that because I firmly believe you can't pay for "enlightenment".  It just doesn't/shouldn't come with a price tag and these "enlightenment" programs cost a beautiful arm and leg. I'm talking at least 1-4 grand..sometimes more.  All in all, at this point, I was telling myself not to drink the kool-aid and that this enlightenment stuff is all bullshit--SCAM!

Other programs offered included other gurus from around the world.  This one guru in particular from Brazil and it's posh followers left their lodge rooms so messy. It was quite disgusting and sickening that these were considered "enlightened" people. I guess to be enlightened one must be a slob.

One of the benefits from working at the center was that we got the opportunity to participate in some of the programs for free. Being the curious type and wanting to learn more about whatever is out there, I signed up for a Shaman program....and I was scarred for life (Thank God I didn't have to pay for it).  I felt like this experience was a sequel to the documentary KUMARE-(I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it- It's a documentary about this guy who pretends to be a guru)

 I don't even know how to describe the weirdness of this experience and I don't even know where to begin.  I guess I'll start out by saying we were required to bring a feather, a crystal, a seashell, a candle and the most sacred thing we have as well as a few other things for this mesa thing. I came in with with all of that; with the most sacred thing being me: my heart and my body. After all, isn't our bodies the most sacred thing we should really cherish? Apparently not- because as I looked around the room to see what everybody else brought, that's when I knew- I better get out of here.  There were so many materialistic  and elaborate, intricate things people brought- I just didn't understand it.  The shaman came over to me and was like "oh the beginner mind."  While in my mind- I just wanted to say: no this is the sane mind.
Anyway, throughout this program, the shaman performed ceremonies. One included him putting liquid in his mouth, swishing it around and then spitting it at us.  Another point during the ceremony he was picking up artifacts from in the middle of the floor that he had strategically placed around, but as he was picking things up he made sure he bent down with his ass high in the air right in front of us women.  Luckily I left the program and didn't return.  Again, I don't know if it's my own ignorance to this stuff, but my eyes and ears had seen and heard enough.

In the midst of all of this craziness, I switched jobs from housekeeping assistant (due to the incompetent useless piece of shit) to a housing, travel coordinator/front desk job. Yes- 3 jobs in one and the worst part about it is that I still had to correlate with this stupid piece of shit. It was while working in this new position where I learned the center was in 5 million dollars debt. Red flag #10000000.  As I noticed my mental health and spiritual health disintegrating due to the feelings of being defeated from wanting/expecting so much and seeing everything fall apart in my own life and all around (including these  overpriced lodge rooms), I knew it was time to get the hell out of there. And I did, but not until I had a breakdown. Breakdown #1 of 4. 

I was destined to go home on January 18th and my breakdown occurred on the 29th of December.  My job had gotten the best of me and overall, my mind had gotten the best of me.  I will elaborate more on this in a future blog- otherwise I'd have to title this the never ending blog.

So... when I look back on my experience from being on top of the mountain,  I can't help but refer to the center as The  Land of Misfit Toys. I use that term because I believe us, the workers were all misfits of some sorts. (I could even go as far to say that the participants were even all misfits).  Some of us were there without purpose, some of us were there because we identified with this particular sect of "Buddhism" and/or wanted to be "enlightened", others were there because they had no place to go, and like me, some of us were there seeking what totally wasn't offered at this center, but didn't realize this until after arriving.  I guess looking back, like me, some of us were there hoping to escape the world outside and hoping to find peace and calmness in a small secluded community located high up on top of a mountain in Colorado.   Basically, we were all there for different reasons, but when it came down to it we were ALL misfits; and like in LOST, the TV series, we were all stuck on this Island.  Despite all the craziness we had to endure with the center, programs, participants, each other... we were all a family, a very dysfunctional family. We could  probably have been classified as dysfunctional as a dysfunctional family can get, but all in all, we were a family.  Looking back- I do have to say that the  one thing I miss about being up on top of the mountain is being a part of the land of misfit toys. The memories I had with some of the other misfits I will forever cherish.
However, it was time for me to leave the mountain, The Land of Misfit Toys, The Island.. especially after my breakdown.  I was a broken woman, broken in all senses: spiritually, mentally, physically, occupationally, intellectually, emotionally, socially, and financially. All that I had when I arrived to the island, I lost; it was all destroyed. It's as if a tornado wrecked havoc within my body, mind and soul. 

Painting I did a few years ago- Broken, Fallen Angel

Adapting back to civilization from this experience  as a broken woman and having to rebuild  has been the hardest part- hence my 4 breakdowns/psych wards in the last 3 months.Nobody will understand the experience I endured other than the other misfits that are out there..some that remain on the island, and the others that have escaped. I just hope to never go back. I can't- It just wouldn't be the same even if I did. And secondly- I never like to go back to places I've been- I like to move forward..it's too depressing going back.  (However, due to my breakdowns I had to move back home, but besides the point- when I get healthy- I'll be moving forward and not looking back)
Overall, the most valuable lessons I learned from all of this are the following: stay away from the island, continue not to drink any Kool-aid and most importantly, do better research, don't fall for any more scams, and come up with my own belief system. My one friend from this island said it perfectly "Religious institutions by their very nature become corrupted awful quickly.  Keep yer distance because spirituality don't need no teachers, your heart will speak louder if you listen than these people ever will." ~A.

Painting I left at the center

Editor's Note: Reviewing this blog several days after writing it, I realized I made the center sound like the worst center ever-like hell.  I'm not going to lie- sometimes my mind will believe it, but sometimes I would see some light and realize that it wasn't all that bad.  I think being in a depressed state of mind, there is failure to notice some of the benefits and the good experiences.  There is failure to understand to accept life how it is- that there is craziness all around- whether you are up on a mountain in a secluded spiritual community center or not.  The important thing I can learn from all of this is to realize and understand that there are some positive amongst negative- like a lotus flower amongst the muck.  There is always going to be a lot more muck than lotus flowers and it's important to focus on the lotus and take in it's beauty.  This shows you how important it is to focus on the positive and let go of judgements otherwise you get stuck in the muck and can even drown in it.

A lot of the negativity exposed earlier is caused by my judgements and inability to accept things for how they are. I have to realize that even though I saw some of these programs as craziness or muck, for some people it is what brought them happiness and peace, which was their lotus flower.  As humans, we all need ways to somehow cope with the craziness of this world  and how people want to spend their money and their  time/life is not up for me to judge (even though I did it so badly earlier on in this blog)  So, with this, I just feel the need to apologize for the extreme negative light I placed on the center. Some of the most inspiring and intriguing programs the center offered were programs directed towards cancer survivors/patients,  teenage girls from war torn countries that came together to create peace amongst themselves etc.
One of the most inspirational programs I am grateful I got to  participate in was the 7 day silent Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) retreat. It was beautiful. It makes me wish the whole  world could experience this.  It brought me some peace and compassion towards myself.

Picture my sister took of me.

Thank you for reading