A year ago.

Just moments ago, I was going through another email address of mine and found that I had started another blog back in 2012 with only 2 journal entries, which I totally had forgotten about. One in August of 2012 and the other one on April 1st 2013, my birthday last year. 

Since my birthday is just a few days away, I decided to copy and past that journal entry below. (My inpatient self can't wait a few days to post it)

"So I turned 30 today. Interesting day.  My friends and family all wished me a happy birthday; the only one not excited for my birthday is me.  Not because I’m turning 30- but instead b/c I’ve lived yet another year. 

I have so much reflecting to do.

Here I sit,

Waiting for someone to come along

Sitting and waiting, sitting and waiting

I sit, I wait

I sit, I wait
I am alone

My insecurities are coming out and I don’t like that

I don’t want to hold onto any more expectations.

I want peace, I want happiness, I want to experience Joy, but to experience all of this, I must experience this war, sadness I'm going through.

My friend Anthony wrote to me today

"You know I’m behind you 100%, no matter what and always wish the very best for you. I know we have a connection and I’ll most def send you positive energy. I’m here whenever you need it." 

He also wrote- "You know I always feel that I’m really hard on myself but it's not necessarily a bad thing because that drives me to succeed. BUT YOU…you’re your own worst enemy. Constantly finding things to work on and improve about yourself.  Aoife- THERE’S NOTHING THAT NEEDS CHANGING! All the emotions/feelings/thoughts that you feel make you the unique human being that you are! Your problem is that you’re trying so damn hard to recreate yourself when it can’t  (and shouldn’t) be done. You’re a great person with a huge heart and I absolutely love you. Seriously, be YOU and stop suppressing your human (sometime vulnerable) self" "

 The end of the journal entry


I just want to add that friends like this are amazing, but having friends like this scares me.  They know me.  They know my flaws.  My flaws scare me.  The fact that my friend Anthony may be right about the fact that I may not be able to recreate myself scares me. It must be done- It has to be done. I want to be the confident woman seen in music videos, on magazines, etc. I want to be beautiful. I want to be confident.   I want to be a woman who is extremely organized.  I want to be anything, ANYTHING ,For the love of God and all that is holy- ANYTHING  other than the person I am. 

Thank you for reading