Seeking the patience pill

I've been home for a few weeks now and finally settling in. I feel torn. For a part of me wants to run off to some other adventure and be free/experience freedom, but another part, (the small bit of sanity in me) knows I need to stay. Truth is- I have to stay- there is no choice of running off. When there is no money in your pockets, your choices of doing things and going places become non existent.   I dislike the quote "Money isn't everything" Obviously whoever wrote this bullshit was made up of just that..bullshit!

 Even if money were present, it would be of my best interest to stay for the sake of my future.  It's easier to deal with present pain for future gain, rather than instant pleasure for future pain. But
I know myself and I know I'm a rebel of logic and a pleasure seeker junkie. If I had the cash in my hand- I'd be on the next flight to Fiji.  So, maybe it's a blessing I don't have the money.  It's time to change the rebel and the pleasure seeker junkie I am.

So here I am, stuck and  alone and yet settling in.  What exactly am I settling into? I sure hope it's not being stuck and alone, (especially back here in NJ at my parents house) but at present moment that's what it feels like.  I can't help but think that I'll be forever stuck and alone.
 You would think by now that I'd be use to these feelings of despair.  But I'm not- I'm not numb to them; I'm scared by them because I fear that this will forever be my life. (Can we say distorted thinking?)  But, despite being aware of my distorted thought pattern, I am still suffering.  I guess that's why this process takes time.  I just have to remind myself that it is okay to feel the suffering in the present moment, just don't dwell too much on it and allow it to affect my future.

 Oh how I wish there were a patience pill.

Right now, a part of me wants to call an ex boyfriend; but really what good is that going to do. It's not good for any of us- because that means I'd be using them to seek out instant pleasure and I'd only be feeling worse after doing so because the pain will still be there and may even be worse.
Another part of me wants to go and chop off all of my hair.
Probably not the healthiest coping mechanisms to use.

I know at present moment that I should just give in and become numb, but there is a small, tiny, barely flickering flame inside me that wants to believe that I don't need to settle for these feelings.   Maybe that flickering flame is caused by my word choice of should- Ahhh...stupid distorted thinkin. 

Using my advice to stop thinking right now would really help, however we all know that it's not humanly possible to not think. After all Descartes did state: "I think therefore I am".

Why can't I be a deer or some other animal?
Ahhh- distorted thought again- fantasizing.

Okay, I have no other option but to ride the wave, Aoife, ride the wave.  So here I am, riding the wave and it's not a pretty wave to be riding. Writing this blog is definitely helping with organizing some of my thoughts, even though they may be appearing all over the place. But I don't know- maybe they're not - I guess that's when I survey the method and ask you. Are my thoughts appearing all over the place?


Well in all honesty- I started this blog entry as a way to avoid the pain of having to clean my room (yes...it's still going even after writing a blog about it 5 days ago! It's called cleaning room saga for a reason!), so since I can't avoid cleaning my room forever (which in all honesty would be a amazing, but not realistic, unfortunately--stupid reality).   I best go back to it.

Thank you for reading!