There was a point in my marriage where I thought it was healthy, however, that deteriorated quickly. I won't go into detail- just know there were a lot of pieces that put the bomb together that ended up exploding..as that's what bombs do.
So I sit here wondering "is there such a thing as a healthy relationship?"
I guess for me, due to the fact that I don't have (and never did have) a healthy relationship with myself, there is no way in hell I could ever be involved in an external healthy relationship. And it's no surprise that all my previous relationships were unhealthy due to this. My problem with relationships is me. I'm my own nightmare...my own worst enemy...my own abuser. I keep myself from having healthy relationships because when I'm approached by healthy guys.. I run away. But give me a fucked up guy...and my legs will naturally spread wide open.
Now that I have this time to really reflect on myself, my own behaviors, and the hamster wheel I've been running around in year after year, I'm obviously learning a lot about myself. I'm diving in deep and questioning more and using my analytical thinking skills. Oh you analytical skills, you left side of the brain...my.... aren't you filled with so many....cobwebs and weeds. Honestly, I think if my brain were to be really examined: My left side would be filled with cobwebs and weeds. While my right side, the emotional side, would look like the effects of a tsunami. So obviously lots of work is needed on the brain. Where is the Red Cross disaster relief for my brain when you need them? Oh yeah...they are a scam...never mind...I don't want them.
Okay...getting back on topic. So...when I look back on the relationships I have had in the past, I can't help but cringe. I feel disgusting just thinking of the types of guys I have dated. When I spoke with my friend Danielle yesterday, she asked me why I would feel that way when it was the idiots I dated that were the disgusting ones. I didn't know how to respond to her question, other than I just do. To me...it's kind of like the question: whose the actual idiot...the idiot or the person who dates the idiot?. ....YEP...it's the person that dates the idiots...it's me- I'm the IDIOT!!!!!
As I pondered more in regards to this question and wonder why I date these idiots and why I, myself, am an idiot....I realize it's all because I ignore the red flags. The red flags are there. They are there screaming at me, waving in front of me before the relationships even begin. I've come to the conclusion that I'm selectively color blind. Yes..that has to be it. Red flags??? What red flags? Those flags are... grey...not red! Those grey flags screaming at me...what scream???...I must be experiencing selective hearing. Wait..that flag doesn't say danger...it says something else...er..uh...never mind....I can't read... wait a minute... I can't see..I'm currently experiencing selective illiteracy...or is it selective blindness??? ...oh wait it's both...oh....it's all of them!
So, I won't go into detail of all the relationships I've had...as I could probably write a book or 10. To summarize some of the relationships: I've dated guys who didn't believe in depression, who told me "if you loved me, you wouldn't be sad" (Oh...yes...I did say guys- you think I'd learn a lesson after the first guy....NOPE... did I mention I'm a s l o w learner? I've also dated guys with kids who were still living with their ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, who actually happened to not be exes. (Nope..I'm not making this up and YEP..I did say guys again!!!) I've dated narcissistic, controlling, possessive, cheating, and VERY cheap guys. There are definitely other types of guys...Grade A real winners!!! And I'm the real winner for picking them!! Go ME! Or is it just fact that these qualities make up men?? Nah...it can't be because my father isn't like this, unless he is the rare species of the male homo sapiens. Hmmmm...I could be on to something here!
So my most recent relationship ended a few months ago and I still cringe just thinking about ever getting involved. Thank God it only lasted about 4 months, but while living up on the mountain and dating- it felt like eternity.
I remember how it all started..actually I remember before it all started. My friends from the mountain and I were on a road trip to Mount Rushmore. During our trip we talked about guys from the mountain etc. One of the girls mentioned how this cook from there was interested in me. At first I was like...oh no...no no no no no...NO....not happening. I had no interest whatsoever. I didn't want a relationship at all (oh the wise mind- if only I listen to you). But as the girls continued to talk and say things like "I'd date him if I weren't with ...." and "oh give him a chance...he's so nice" (don't all guys 'seem nice' when they are desperate to get laid???), I gave in. Did I mention how bad I cave into peer pressure? So of course as we landed back at the mountain, my legs spread wide.
And talk about disaster....talk about fucked up guys...this guy was fucked up and this relationship was a disaster. And...I was the idiot that continued along on this sad pathetic ride. I look back now and can't help but question why??? Why in God's name would I allow somebody like this into my life...and worse, allow them to treat me the way he did? I'm too nice...I'm too caring...and Oh yeah...there is a thing called self esteem...or lack there of.
Okay...I've written way too much..this post will end up being a book if I don't stop here.
Thank you for reading!
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