Loneliness

When the feelings of loneliness overwhelm me, I get sucked into darkness.  My breath becomes shallow and my chest begins to ache as if my heart has been ripped out of its cavity.  It hurts.

So right now, I'm attempting to use the skills taught in my program.  What I'm experiencing now would be impulsiveness for I am in somewhat of a crisis mode as I feel myself getting sucked into the dark hole. I have to use my distress tolerance skills.  I know I have to ride the wave and not let the feelings take too much control over my mind, body and soul.  I'm riding the wave, I'm riding the wave...I keep telling myself I'm riding the wave.  But,  I feel as though this wave is too strong for me. I feel as though I'm being crushed by it and pushed under water, panicking because I feel as though I'm drowning. I'm drowning. I'm drowning. I can't reach the surface, the tide is too strong and like a rag doll I get thrown around below the surface.  I'm drowning.  There is nobody to save me, but myself and I can't do it.
 
To me...this is what it feels like to be lonely.  I hate this feeling (I don't know anybody who would like it), but it's an all too common feeling for me and I absolutely hate it.  I hate feeling disconnected.  I hate feeling alone. I hate the feeling of my heart bleeding and being shred apart.  I hate being alone especially in a world filled with 7 billion people.  How can anybody be alone or feel lonely with this many people in it?!
I can answer that question easily.  I feel as though I'm living proof of someone who is/feels alone and is/feels lonely.  I am this way due to my fragility.  And it's true.  I am fragile.  Forget being easily bendable- I'm easily breakable.   I'm already broken and I'm like glass that keeps on breaking. My emotional distress tolerance is 20 feet below ground- meaning I can't tolerate stress of any kind.     I have to push people away from me because it's my defense mechanism, yet I hunger for their closeness to me.  But..I know they can easily break me and for some of them- they make it a point, consciously or subconsciously, to break me into a million more pieces.

  I feel as though sometimes I'm the dead carcass at the side or middle of the road being eaten by vultures.  There are a lot of vultures out there and they do feed on the weak.
 Although, I'm attempting to build up walls, it's hard to do.  Forget thick skin, forget thin skin- my skin is transparent. My bruised, swollen, raw, bleeding, shredded heart can be seen a mile away and because of this, I'm the weakest link.