Identity theft is all around us. However, what I'm discussing in this post is not related to the identity theft scenarios you hear about on the news, or see on Dr. Phil, 60 minutes etc. No...I'm discussing the identity theft crisis that some of us experience within ourselves; where our identity has been stolen and we no longer know who we are, where we are going, what we are doing, what our purpose is, and why we are living. I can tell you, first hand, that it is a scary, yet depressing place to be when you don't know your own soul.
Many situations can cause this identity theft crisis including low self esteem, trauma, illness, and loss. Loss can refer to loss of jobs, person(s), limbs, dreams and mind etc. Overall, identity theft is a serious issue as it can create many problems in relationships, as well as cause mood swings and impulsiveness (including suicide).
Being first generation born American has caused me some identity crisis. I say this because I find myself having difficulty relating to being American as well as being Irish. Growing up, I've been taught strict Irish rules in the household and American society rules in the classroom/outside of the house. I think it may have been different had I grown up in a community with other first generation Americans (of Irish decent), but I didn't- I was a minority when it came to this. I couldn't relate to kids in my school. So, overall I just feel torn because I feel as though I'm not truly American and I'm not truly Irish. So I'm constantly questioning, what I am? Who am I? The only thing I can say what I truly am... is a human being. But I feel like in today's day and and age, that isn't enough. We are an ego driven society and need to be prideful.
I honestly don't like to identify with either- American or Irish. I feel like I'm a fraud to each nationality. I don't like being associated with the Irish because in the American Society- I'm expected to drink due to my heritage, and because I don't drink- I'm classified as not being a "truly" Irish. I don't like being associated as American because I find that Americans tend to be egotistical and greedy and when I have visited Ireland I'm labeled as just another American. (If I'm overgeneralizing and thinking black/white-I don't mean to- maybe I'm ignorant. I just don't know). All I know is that I hate feeling like a foreigner in a land I grew up in and feel like a foreigner in the land my parents are from. I'm ashamed at what I am and what makes up who I am and I have to learn to accept this all. I have to learn to have pride...but isn't pride considered a deadly sin?
Have I mention I suffer from extreme identity crisis?
The other factors that have caused my identity crisis is basically everything that was mentioned above. I have low self esteem, trauma and illnesses, (which have been discussed in detail in past blogs). I have also experienced quite a few loses (Please note- I'm not looking for pity- I'm just using this as a way to express myself): There have been numerous deaths in my extended family. My uncle, who was like a second father, died when I was 15. I never really had a chance to get to know my other relatives that passed away, which was a loss in of itself (I was often depressed due to this). Most of them lived in Ireland. Two of my grandparents passed before I was born, while another one passed away when I was 9, the other when I was 13. I had another uncle pass when I was 16, an aunt when I was 19, and an uncle who passed recently at 30. My dog died when I was 13 as well. I remember after my dog died, I begged and begged my parents for another dog. I even saved $1000 that summer for a dog that I was never able to get. I was told I was too irresponsible to have one. (It's kind of funny how I was more responsible then than I am now- I don't even have $1000 to my name today...it's also kind of funny how my parents allowed my sister to get a dog when I left for college) But besides the point, it was quite upsetting as I was experiencing severe depression and suicide ideation during this time (yes..sadly at 13). I was being made fun of and bullied in school, I sucked at dancing; I just didn't belong. I avoided mirrors in fear of breaking them; I fantasized about going to a different high school, I fantasized about my prince charming who would save me (Fuck you Disney), as well as being 18 and moving far away (I started counting down the years I was going to be 18 at 8 years old- what a waste/loss of years).
Other losses I've experienced include being laid off due to downsizing, as well as quitting jobs. I've been divorced and have lost many relationships. I've lost my gallbladder. Another loss I've experienced that has caused me a lot of bitterness was my Irish Dancing career (or lack thereof).
For about 13 years, I competed in Irish Dancing, which was my main identity (I started when I was 5). In school, I was known as the Irish Dancer. Every St. Patrick's Day, I'd perform for my class; I never missed a year from 1st grade to senior year of high school. Of course I was made fun of for this among other things (Yeah...I grew up in a affluent privileged white, non diverse area and I was different), but it never stopped me. Even though I sucked, I just loved to perform and I loved to dance. It was my way of releasing all the inner pain I felt. During my dancing career I had the opportunity to perform at Radio City and Carnegie Hall as well as PNC Bank Arts Center. (Please don't let this impress you, because I was never good...they just needed dancers).
Unfortunately, at 18, I had to quit due to financial hardship. My parents had both lost their jobs (my father at age 15, my mother at age 17) and I was at a point where I was paying for my own lessons, shoes, costume and I couldn't keep up with the Kardashians of the Irish dancing world. My dream was to perform and to own my own school- but those dreams are long gone.
Even though I did teach dancing for about 6 years (from 21 to 27), I haven't taught since and I miss it. I'd love to continue to teach young girls and incorporate the importance of self esteem. When I taught- I made sure every girl had their time to shine whether they were "good" or "bad". They didn't have these labels in my eyes. They were all beautiful dancers in their own right. They each were able to take lead of the class- one wasn't favored over the other just because they caught on quicker. I taught my students how I wanted to be taught growing up and treated them how I wanted so desperately to be treated. You see...I was a slow learner and because of this- I was in the back a lot. I sucked and I never wanted my students I taught to feel the way I felt when I was a dancer. I idolized each of my students.
However, with my lack of self esteem, I never thought I was a good enough teacher. I never made it to the worlds in dancing (similar to the Olympics), I never placed at the Nationals, I never made it to Riverdance or Lord of the Dance- (a dream I had) etc. Without these prestigious credentials, I'd always think and say to myself: who would want to learn from me?
The reason why I haven't taught in the past 4 years was due to my move to Chicago. When I reached out to traditional dancing schools (where they taught ballet, tap etc) in the area, nobody was interested. There are a lot of big name schools in Chicago- I was a nobody and therefore, nobody really wanted me. Besides, everybody and their mother living in Chicago knew Irish dancing (and..distorted thought).
Now that I'm living back on the east coast- I don't think I have a chance to teach- especially not in NJ. Again, everybody and their mother are teachers of Irish dancing now a days. And living in the society we are living in, it's all about the winning. My style of teaching is not wanted.
I despise the Irish Dancing competition world, which is where my bitterness comes into play. I think some of my despisement is due to the fact that Irish dancing is geared towards rich people who can afford the up to $3,000 costumes, the thousands of dollars put towards competitions, lessons etc. And the fact that most of the people involved in Irish dancing are not Irish bothers me. (I'm sorry- it's just that Irish dancing has lost its pureness in my opinion. The innocence of it is lost and has become Americanized just like everything else. I feel as though the loss of innocence is another identity crisis in itself).
I am also bitter because I believe that a lot of my self esteem issues stem from this competitive Irish dancing world. I remember when I was a beginner- I was probably 6 or so and one of the judges added as a comment "Ugly Hair." I was just never good enough and the marks and the comments the judges made proved it. Even when winning a few firsts in a few competitions, I was never good enough. I didn't place in the big competitions, so these small competitions didn't mean anything (Distorted thought I've been carrying around for over 20 years)
I remember being at my peak in dancing and a few people, including my teachers, stated that I would make top 5 in the regional competition (my dream was always to make top 10 (8 years of dreaming) in order to get to the World's and go to Ireland. To me- it wasn't so much about dancing at the Worlds, it was more about being able to see my family over in Ireland). Well, when the results came out, I placed 17th and my heart sank (even though this was the highest place I got). I put all my hopes and dreams into this competition and I was crushed, completely heart broken. All the hard work, the hours, the blood, sweat, and tears didn't mean much with that result. I think to this day, my heart hasn't healed properly; There is scar tissue created from this loss that is painful to this day.
So, the next day, there was a ceili competition (8-hand) that I was in. This one girl in the group was being such a bitch (and was just a bitch in general). As we were practicing, she kept stating how we had to win. It was all about the winning. I finally put my two cents in and blurted out that "We should be enjoying ourselves more and having fun rather than focus on the winning." (I had made the mistake the previous day of focusing on winning rather than having fun. From that I realized the importance of enjoying the moment and I didn't want to make the same mistake twice). Well the comment I made became news that spread like wild fire and made it to my teachers within minutes. Within the hour, I was taken aside by them and chastised for making such a comment. I was told that "it is ALL about the winning". Later, when awards were given out and our ceili placed, no medal was given to me...I guess this was to prove whatever point they were trying to make (It was my teachers that were handing out the medals). It was all good though, but not really. Anyway, the next day I did another ceili; this time it was the 4-hand and my group was competing against the bitch's. The focus of the 4 hand group I was in was about enjoying ourselves, of course. And who do you think won??? If you guessed the bitch's group-you are............wrong! Unfortunately, I had to go home early before the awards were given out and wasn't there to get the medal. However, my fellow group member made sure she got one for me.
Although I'm glad to be out of this dancing world, I am saddened at how much pain I felt being involved in it as well as how much it has changed. I don't believe it has changed for the better. It's become superficial and has lost it's original roots. It's become all about the winning, the trophies, the wigs, the dresses, the tanned skin, the fake eyelashes, the glittered poodle socks, the psycho dancing moms. When I look at some of these mothers, I can't help but think...how am I the one in the psych wards? This then brings me to my other loss: My loss of mind.
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