Yesterday in the body image group we went over body image and the media. It made me absolutely sick. Every time I go to the body image therapy group, I get intensely triggered. I have yet to experience a therapy session where I don't break down in tears. However, I have to use my distress tolerance skills and keep going to it in order to heal.
I've suffered with body image distortion as far back as I could remember. (I don't think I know of anybody who doesn't suffer from it female and male included).
I could go as far back as 5 years old. (I wish I had saved the pictures of me from way back then, but I have destroyed a lot of them in recent years. Sadly, it's because I was ashamed of how I looked and ashamed of the fact that I existed).
I remember sitting in my kindergarten class and the teacher asked me to point out one of the letters of the alphabet on the board. She picked me on purpose- I wasn't paying attention. This was a normal thing for me in school because I was always off in a far away world inside my head. So, I got up, went over to the board and, anxiously, reached up to point out one of the letters, hoping I had picked the right one. However, as I reached up, some of the other kids started laughing and pointing at me. Little did I know that while lifting my arm, my shirt came up and exposed my protruding belly. (Mind you- I wasn't a big girl by any means) I remember being so embarrassed and ashamed of it. I've been extremely insecure about my stomach ever since- no lie. I don't blame the other children for laughing at me- I can't. They didn't know any better. But for some reason, the image of looking down and seeing my belly stick out is an image I can't get out of my head.
During this time period as a young child, my mother never allowed me to have long hair. So I always had a boy cut hairstyle and with it, of course, I looked like a boy. People would come up to my mom and say "oh two boys and 1 girl" before my younger sister was born. And of course when my sister was born it would be "oh two boys and two girls..how lovely'. No....not lovely. I was a girl god damn it. I hated my mother for this. (I have since forgiven her). I just wanted long hair because in my mind long hair meant beauty. Any time my babysitters came over, they'd tell me my hair wasn't long enough to do braids as they'd braid my older sister's long locks.
One time when I went to the hair dressers, my mom had to use the bathroom as I was being called to the chair. I was left alone with the hairdresser for just a few minutes. "Thank God," I thought. When the hairdresser asked me what I wanted done, I told her "I didn't want it cut. I wanted long hair." But sure enough, my mother came back and said "trim it 2 inches." I was devastated. I tried to hold back the tears as the little bit of the "long" hair I had fell to the floor. I wasn't able to hold back the tears for too long and the tears streamed down my face.
I remember the time my parents couldn't afford for me to get a haircut. So my father took it upon himself to be the hairdresser. Worst mistake EVER! So in order to make the perfect cut, my father took masking tape and wrapped it around my hair, including my bangs. So after he strategically placed the tape around my head...he took the scissors and cut under the masking tape. As soon as he was done cutting, he then attempted to pull the masking tape away from my hair. I was in total agony. So...he then cut above the masking tape. Worst haircut ever! I'm surprised I had any hair left after that cut. (Again..I wish I had pictures to prove. And maybe this is where the comment of "ugly hair" from my Identity theft crisis post came from. If this is the case, I can't blame the judge then for making a comment like that).
Somewhere around the age of 9 or so, I became very insecure and ashamed of myself because of a birthmark near my left hip. I was so self conscious about it to the point that anytime I was passing people, I'd make sure my hand was covering it up.
When I was about 11 years old, my neighbor, the devil (who I've mentioned in a previous post- Happy Re-birth-day) told my parents I was looking extremely anorexic and emaciated. I swear this woman possessed my parents. My mother then began putting me on ensure while my father for numerous years would make comments such as "are you eating air again?" Meanwhile, my siblings were being siblings and calling me fat.
I think by the time I was 14, I developed some sort of eating disorder due to this. Although I was never hospitalized, as you can see from the bones protruding out in the picture below, I wasn't that healthy looking...and yet..I still believed I was fat and hideous. The dress was practically falling off of me.
Fast forward to when I was 18. This was the first year I wore a bikini and I remember how uncomfortable I felt wearing one. I'd wrap a towel around my waist to protect my stomach from being exposed in most of my pictures.
.
It wasn't until 2 years ago, almost 11 years after this picture above was taken, where I finally felt more comfortable wearing a bikini. I was the fittest I've ever been in my life. (I was riding my bike between 40-100 miles a week during the spring and summer months to get to and from my jobs in Chicago). I was constantly exercising. Sometimes, I would only eat one meal a day. But even though I felt confident while taking the photo, I'd reexamine it after it was taken and be disgusted. I'd think to myself "I'm not toned enough. My thighs look big...they should be skinnier. Why am I so ugly. Why can't I have bigger boobs? If only I had a different face, a different body."
Now of course, I wish I had the body from 2 years ago (I'd even be happy with the one I had from when I was 18). I'm embarrassed of the body I have now. Oh how the sick cycle never ends...and it is this that upsets me the most. I still have yet to see a picture of myself where I am not critical; where I can say something positive like I'm pretty and move on with life. Rather than hate the way I look now, nitpick everything I need to change and in a few years look back and say I was so pretty back then. I want to be pretty/feel pretty in the present moment.
I also have yet to experience a moment where after a breakup, I don't think...well if I was prettier (or smarter), they'd still be with me.
I need major therapy..I guess it's good I'm in this program.
I know I began this blog talking about body image and the media and want to go over the information given to us in regards to this and how sick cultural ideals are. It's these cultural ideals that shape the way we think and how we should look. Throughout history, women's bodies have been "molded" to fit the ideal at the time. However, we were reminded in this session (as well as all of the other sessions) that it is up to us to not buy into these cultural ideals. It' is up to us to accept our bodies as they are.
Take a look below at the timeline of what was classified as beauty during the different decades. (It's no wonder why there are so many women with body image issues).
In 1800's A large body was a sign of health and fertility. At the same time, however, corsets narrowed the waist and enhanced the bust.
(Isn't large body suppose to mean large all around?)
1890's- Actress Lillian Russell at 200 lbs is the most celebrated beauty of all time.
1910's- Paris designer creates slim sheath dresses, declares that breasts are "out."
1920's- Era of the flat-chested, slim-hipped flapper. First dieting craze of the 20th century
1950's/1960's- Voluptuous full figured shapes like Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield are popular.
It is said that Marilyn was a size 12. However, sizes back in the 50's and 60's are not equivalent to the sizes of today. Marlyn's measurements were in fact, 5 ft. 5.5 inches tall; 35 inch bust; 22 inch waist; and 35 inch hips, with a bra size of 36D. Plus she was said to have weighed around 118 pounds....that is on the cusp of underweight/lower spectrum of normal weight. Maybe it's just my opinion, but to me that is not full figured. That's just called having boobs and having wide hip bones).
1967- British model Twiggy arrives on the scene and the diet industry explodes. At 5'6''- she was 112 pounds. (I have no words...other than drugs make people really skinny).
1970's and 1980's- Models gradually become taller, thinner and begin to show toned muscle definition-Breasts make a comeback
Early 1990's- Waif-like figure Kate Moss presents a wasted "heroin chic" look and a pre-teen body.
Late 1990's- Tall, very thin models with no visible body fat and muscles highly toned by hours of working out. Large breasts remain in style- but are rare in this body type without help of breast implants.
2000 and beyond- It is stated in this timeline that "real bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Set your own trend."
(However, I feel as though real bodies are being transformed into plastic bodies with all the plastic surgery that is all around. From tummy tucks to breast implants to lip fillers, to botox. I don't know if body image distortion is really improving among our society. I think there is a heavy use of makeup as well. I can't wait for the day, where we don't have to wear makeup everyday or feel the need to do so. The one thing I enjoyed living up on the mountain was not feeling pressured to wear makeup. I felt pure, I felt natural without it and my skin was clear).
So overall, in class we were encouraged to set our own trend. I'm grateful for Dove's stand on accepting yourself as you are. I love how their commercials are of "normal" women and not overpaid celebrities. Why can't more companies be more like this?
I also learned in class, not to blame everything on men. A lot has to do with women in many ways...one of them being that it is us, the women, who buy into this crap.
Due to the overuse of airbrushing and photoshopping being done, I refuse to look at magazines, let alone buy them. This was a very difficult transition as I use to waste time analyzing all the beautiful bodies and obsessively wish I had the kind of beautiful bodies I saw on each magazine page.
I'm grateful we are exposed with some truth behind the illusions created by the media.
Thank you for reading!
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