Today, as many of you know, is Easter Sunday and my family and I went to church. The last time I went to a church service was back at the end of November when I was visiting home. My aunt was visiting as well and she is very religious (as are my parents). I wasn't planning on going to church at all and I had no desire to go. However, my parents demanded I go because my aunt was there. So feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place I went. It's kind of pathetic- here I was a 30 years old grown woman and still people pleasing and ordered around. I felt obligated and I hate this feeling. In my opinion nobody should be/feel obligated to do anything they don't want to. (Now..if only I listen to what I believe).
So here I am again on Easter Sunday and I went to church. I swear every time I go to church, I feel as though I'm there for eternity. I didn't pay attention much to what was being said...honestly, I never really ever did/do. It's so hard for me to focus on stories I have heard a million times, year after year growing up. Jesus was crucified, he died on the cross bla bla bla. Even though I was selectively hearing things, I swear the priest said something about mother death turning into sister death. What the fuck does all of this mean?? How do I really know this all happened? How does anybody know this happened?? It's been over 2000 years ago. How is learning about something that happened over 2000 years ago going to make me a better person today?
So, even though mass was only an hour long, by the time we got out I felt like I aged at least 5 years.
As you can probably tell, I don't enjoy church whatsoever. I don't like the concept of religion or spiritual practices. I don't like the idea of getting all dressed up just to impress. As I look around I see nothing but people judging one another. Plus didn't Jesus help the poor? What poor would show up to Jesus dressed to the T? None of them would- they were poor! I really don't think Jesus really cares how fancy you dress up going to church, poor or not. I believe the act of going to church would be a more important thing. But really, in my opinion, the act of being a good person is the most important thing...not going to some structure that was man made.
God forbid a child is a child and wants to run around and play in church. It is so looked down upon. And after church service, I see people sprinting out the door, getting in their fancy cars and not being considerate to one another (making judgements) as they leave the parking lot.
Not to mention- I so dislike the parish my family belongs to. I find that the main priest there is an insecure bastard. (Sorry God... but he is). He's one of those types of people who became a priest so people would respect him...just like how some people become cops...just like how some men drive around monster trucks. Truth be told, I don't respect this priest, nor do I respect any spiritual leader. I don't trust them. (Again, I kind of go into detail as to why in Land of Misfit toys).
Last year during Easter, I was living and taking care of my disabled women. I remember my family calling me and my father asking if I went to church. My response was "no, I'm doing Jesus' work by taking care of disabled women. I think this is as close I can get to 'going to church' as possible. I think Jesus would be proud." All I heard on the other end of the phone was anger at my response.
Overall, religions just make me sick.
I don't know if I can honestly devote my life believing in this stuff or anything. I don't know what I can devote my life to anymore because I don't even know what to believe in anymore. This may be why I'm in the labyrinth I am in. I'm waiting for my sign, I'm waiting to be struck by lightning and see some clarity as to why following specific religions is important. The only clarity I see is that religion is not important. However, I want to believe in seeing the light within my own soul and not listening to some story of a man that walked the earth thousands and thousands of years ago...or any man that became enlightened thousands of years ago. Because in my mind's eyes, there are people like him walking this earth today that are being walked all over. I feel so many people are so focused on worshiping Jesus that they fail to see the Jesus' all around.
I think there are many reasons for my distaste of religion and spiritual rituals, especially in the Catholic religion. The idea of all religions and spiritual rituals scare me. I just don't understand anything. I know there is the bible and all, but I don't get it. To me reading the Bible is like reading Shakespeare. I am bored. I don't like reading about stuff written during a time period I am unaware of. For me, what we learn about Shakespeare is only speculation of what Shakespeare meant to say. Nobody will ever fully know what he truly meant by what he wrote because he's not around to answer the questions. This reminds me of art. I make art all of the time. People can analyze my art and misinterpret it constantly. Nobody will truly know what I meant, unless I'm personally asked. Maybe it's just me.
Overall, I believe that nobody will really know what the Bible really means. I mean, how many times has it been translated? How many things have been lost in translation? Have you ever played telephone?
During the 9/11 era, (my freshman year of college) the scandals of molestation within the Catholic church was made public. This effected me tremendously for I was a devote catholic back then. It was not too long after this that the movie "The Magdeline Sisters" came out (If you haven't seen it I advise you to watch it).
Shortly after I switched to nursing after my sophomore year, my priest was killed by a nurse. He was known as the Angel of Death- his name was Charles Cullen.
I remember a time when I was a senior in college and I was still going to church. After this one mass I went to there was a pancake breakfast supported by this church. While there, this elderly man, around the age of 70/80, who was at the same service I was at sat beside me and began a conversation with me. When asked about my future plans (as I was graduating just a few months down the road), I told him I wanted to become a massage therapist. His response to that was "Are you going to give happy endings?" So...here I was, at a church function being asked about giving blow jobs. I don't know if it was a joke or not and I don't care...it was inappropriate and I had enough. It was this statement that has caused me to fear even pursuing message therapy as a career.
I attempted throughout the years to dip back into Catholicism, but it just didn't sit with me well. In Catholicism, I was taught that babies who don't get baptized are sent straight to hell and that we are all sinners. With this, I was made to believe I was never really a good person. How can we be like Jesus? We are told Jesus is the son of God? But aren't we all children of God? It's just so complicated. I strived so hard to be perfect, but there is no such thing as perfect. Jesus wasn't even perfect, but we are made to believe he was (Now mind you, this is the experience I had with the Catholic church I went to. Other people could have experienced different things)
So today, my neighbors came over to visit not too long after we had our Easter dinner. At one point my neighbor asked my mother if she had seen "Philomena," a movie about Magdalene laundries. As my neighbor was going to explain what the movie was about, my mom became anxious and cut her off. My mother stated that she knew all about it and then told the story of a relative she had that was a victim of Magdalen laundries. Mind you, I have never heard of the story until now. (I haven't heard many stories to be honest). My mother stated that as a young girl she visited this relative (an aunts' sister-in law or something) at Magdalene laundries in Galway. She visited quite a few times and would write this woman letters. She stated the reason why this relative was placed there was due to the fact that a priest made a pass at her and she threw sand at him. She was there from 18 years old and died there.
Again, I advise you to watch these movies and it will give you a glimpse of what happens among religious institutions. Mind you, it wasn't just run by Catholics, but Protestants as well). Learning about this makes me more sick. All religions are corrupt...and I don't think that is distorted thinking.
I have a hard time supporting things that I don't find ethical. I don't find religions or spiritual rituals ethical at all. I'm a firm believer in walking the walk and not talking the talk. Anybody can talk, not many people walk.
I also can't take the experiences I have had or the stories I've heard with a grain of salt. I'm told by some people, that this happens in every religion and that I should accept it. I've come to conclusion that okay, I will learn to accept it, but just because I accept it does not mean I will partake in it.
Sometimes, I feel as though I should pull a "Cast Away" move and get a volleyball and call him my God. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't need a volleyball, I just need myself, my soul and mother nature. And overall, I just need to strive to be the best I can be because that's all I can do.If I can continue focusing on having a wise mind, I can't go wrong. (Wise mind is combining emotional thinking with rational thinking). I've decided now after writing all of this that having a wise mind is my "religion." (This is why I like writing my posts- I feel as though I learn a lot through my writing)
Thank you for reading.
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