A Rainbow in Ireland

Original art work from 2nd grade

As I was cleaning my room, I happened upon a story I wrote and illustrated when I was in second grade: 

A Rainbow in Ireland:
We went to Ireland last year.
I saw a beautiful rainbow. The colors were pretty. It had diamonds on the rainbow. My mom saw the rainbow too.
Bridget, Mom, Dad, Patrick, Orla, and I were at the park.

Then I saw some leprechauns.  There was a pot of diamonds and a pot of gold.

The next morning the rainbow was gone. The leprechauns were still sleeping.  I was looking everywhere for the pot of diamonds and the pot of gold.
Then I found a haunted house. The haunted house was moving. Then I climbed up the stairs. One of the stairs broke. I saw the witch sleeping with all of the diamonds and gold in her room.

I got all of the diamonds and gold back before the leprechauns woke up. Then the leprechauns let me have some of the diamonds and some of the gold. They had a lot of gold and diamonds in the pot.  Then I went with Mom, Dad, Bridget, Orla, and Patrick. We all went home. I said goodbye to the leprechauns.

After reading this story, I couldn't help but notice all the "thens" I used in the story. My family use to laugh at me whenever I told any story...I'd always say "Then" or "And Then" in the beginning of every sentence.
But besides all of that, where I really wanted to go with all of this is that I was reminded of the time I spent in Colorado. I've never seen so many rainbows in my life as I did while I was there during the summer.  There is just something about rainbows that brings me such serenity.   It's amazing how such simplicity can create such beauty- sunlight and a raindrop.

 I love the following quote:
After every storm, comes a rainbow.
Just because your storm may be a little longer,
or have more thunder and lighting,
doesn't mean there will be no rainbow.
The rainbow always comes.
You just need to find some shelter
and wait until it arrives.


As I was/am going through my own treacherous storms within the past few months/throughout my life- I lost sight of all of this.  When in the depressed mind frame, it's so hard to realize that the feelings you are experiencing are only temporary and that  sooner or later the sun will start to peak through and a rainbow will indeed form. It's so easy to forget that there is still a sun beyond the dark clouds.
Today while in my day program, I attended two art therapy classes. In the first class, we did mindful breathing and painted freely. Usually, I'd be so caught up in my mind on what to paint that I'd overwhelm myself and begin judging myself. It was so great to do mindful breathing before this exercise, because I just let the water colors and the paintbrush work its magic. I ended up painting a rainbow surrounded by dark clouds (see below); on the bottom of the page were mountains with the sun peaking through.  On the rainbow, I painted an OM symbol and on each side- I attempted to do some calligraphy. I have no idea what characters I painted, but in my mind I painted love and peace.

Colorado

For the second class, we were to create a piece of work that represented what we are  grateful for.  For this piece, I chose water color and painted a landscape of a pasture in the spring.  I'm grateful for the spring for many reasons- fresh air, the fragrant smell of flowers, the warmth of the sun hugging my body, the sight of butterflies and hummingbirds, but most importantly, it's usually during the spring time where my depression lessons and I can live again and appreciate the rainbows.

Thank you for reading!

Addiction

I'm an addict...Coming from someone who has an addictive personality, I guess that's not surprising.
However, lately, Solitaire is my drug of choice and I just can't stop. Last night I stayed up until 5 am partying hard with Solitaire!  OH YEAH!
I get in this crazy mindset where I must win and even when I do win I must win again.  It's the addictive personality I have.
 I'm so grateful I'm not a gambler...bc that would suck; however, I have gone gambling a few times in my prime. I'm banned for life from one casino- I won't go into much detail- it just involved an addiction I had a few years ago- where a  drink or 10 and some fighting took place.
 Anyway, last time I went gambling was about two years ago.  I was working for one of my elderly ladies (she's 96 now) and her synagogue would have casino day once every 3 months or so.  So...being her personal assistant I got to go.  I probably went with her twice and the last time was a disaster for me.  I attempted to be mindful- I just brought 20 dollars cash with me.  However, if I was very mindful I would have left my debit card at home. So of course after playing the 25 cent machines for five minutes, my $20 dollars vanished! Stupid machines. Mind you my elderly lady would bring about $300 dollars with her and we'd be at the casino for at least 3 hours or so.  So after 5 minutes of playing and losing my 20 dollars, I sat around for awhile twiddling my thumbs until this brilliant idea popped in my head- oh I'll just take out $20 more.  Well, I got to the cash vending machine  and did the prompts, but all that could be taken out was 50 or 100 dollars (if I remember correctly; however, there may have been other options, but who needs those details). Anyway- because my credit card was going to be charged a fee of about $5.00. My angel on my right shoulder was like "Walk away Aoife, Walk away" However, the devil on my left shoulder was yelling much louder in my ear and because of that I said "ah heck with it. Take out the hundred and just use a $20." So after selecting the $100, you would think the machine would spit out five 20s so that way I could just use one 20 and lock the remainder in my purse.  But.. oh no- this machine was smart.  It gave me a fresh, crisp $100 dollar bill. Well..as I attempted to go to the cashier to split the $100, I couldn't help but be distracted with all the machines and their glorious noises.  I swear they were screaming out my name.."Aoife, Aoife play me- You will win big".  So, instead of doing what the angel on my right shoulder was telling me, I followed the devil.  So, there I was- with a crisp 100 dollar bill.  I told myself again- okay- I'm only going to play 20 dollars of this 100 dollar bill...if the amount gets to around $80, Ill cash it out.   So there I was..me against the machine ready for the smack down.  Delicately I placed the $100 dollar bill in the slot sending good vibes with it as the machine sucked it quickly from my hand.   "It's on" I told myself.  So as I was pressing buttons and not really knowing what I was doing, but thinking I did, I saw the amount decrease and increase, decrease and increase.  Once it got to my $80 limit, I just had to keep playing. I thought to myself- I can win this! And...within less than 10 minutes the whole $100 was gone. I didn't even have a penny left over. I felt so defeated and so upset.  I just lost my paycheck for that day and some. I was so bummed, nearly cried and just started beating myself up- stupid, stupid, stupid.  How did I let this happen? I know better! Stupid devil!   So in order to try to keep myself from getting depressed over this, I had to remind myself that some people have it worse- some  lose thousands of dollars at a time, some lose houses.  However, my logical mind kicked in, telling me that since I don't have thousands saved and don't own a house- the $120 dollars comes pretty close to that in reality.    It took about a few days to forgive myself for that day. 

So now to present day...I realize I have to fight this addiction.  It is said that one addiction leads to another- I just hope this second addiction makes me useful/is healthy. Like being addicted to the gym, volunteering, healthy eating, or better yet addictive to positive, healthy thinking.

Well all in all,  today has been a good day- tonight I'm going to bed at a decent hour. I played Solitaire for about 3 hours today, sad but true. Another hour was spent playing Word Search, but...that's a whole different story! But all in all, at least it's a lot better than yesterday's time of at least 6 hours and going to bed at 5 am! So I'm making some progress! 


Thank you for reading!

The Land of Misfit Toys

Picture taken at what we called Solstice Rock

It was about a year ago when I decided to move from Chicago to the secluded mountains of Colorado.  I was filled with high hopes and dreams. Prior to this decision, I was contemplating  where I'd like my next adventure to be. I knew it was time for change.  My job was going through a huge transition that didn't seem like it was for the better. (At this time I was working with my disabled women and the company went from caring about its employees and most importantly, the clients to not caring about anyone and just running like an institution from back in the day).  I didn't see the company existing much longer- for all the employees that were there for years had quit or were fired for political, petty, stupid reasons.  All in all, good people were leaving and evilness was taking over.
Besides all of this happening, it was just personally time for me to start my own adventure in life. I was tired of telling people (when they'd ask me why I moved to Chicago) that my ex husband got a job there.  I wanted to start having answers such as because I wanted to/I wanted adventure. Although I loved Chicago, I just knew... it was time.
So...what's next I pondered.
 I dug deep inside myself to figure out where I'd like to see myself and what I wanted to do.  While meditating and asking for guidance from above, the idea of living near mountains;being with mother nature came up.  I realized that I wanted to be away from the hustle and bustle of city life; I wanted to live simply, healthily and have a better sense of freedom.  Overall I just wanted to have a better sense of myself and find myself.   I wasn't sure what to really expect- I just knew I needed something.

 After doing some research, I came upon this center that was hiring that appeared to be a good fit- especially because meditation was a requirement.  I was convinced this place I was going to move to and work as housekeeping manager would be a great experience and a great promoter of healthy living.  Boy..was I in for a real treat.  I guess that's what happens when you fail to recognize the red flags that come up- Red flag #1- there sure are a lot of job openings; Red flag #2: my expectations are way too high. 

Prior to leaving for Colorado I wrote on my notepad:
"Am I trying to find Jesus
Or Am I trying to find myself
Whatever it is, there is something I need to find
I've taken so many things, so many people, so many places for granted
I've spent too much time procrastinating; so much time not living, just existing, so much time judging others, so much time judging myself.
There is so much beauty in the world that I've failed to see.
So much I've taken advantage of
Living this life as if I'm meant to live forever, not realizing the preciousness of it all
I've been procrastinating on everything, on dreams, on life, on love
Not valuing taking care of myself, of anything, of anyone.
Not taking care of the whole nest I live in...and I have nobody to blame but myself.
I have not valued
I have not lived
I have not loved
 I've been wasteful
I've been dependent on others
I've been extreme
There is a lot I don't understand- I don't understand a thing
I'm just learning how to  fall in love with myself and it's the scariest thing ever-
I'm just learning that I have a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul."



When I first moved to Colorado, I stayed with a friend for a week and explored Denver.  It was so beautiful, fresh and clean; until you got to certain spots that smelt like weed.  I know for some people, the smell of weed excites them..not the case for me.

Picture I had taken in Denver

Anyway, after a week of exploration, I ended up going to the mountain, and again, was filled with excitement and great hopes. I started the new adventure by volunteering with set up.  This entailed putting up tent villages for programs during the summer months. Within this time of volunteering, I went to HR to further discuss the Housekeeping manager opportunity that I did the phone interview for and was now going to go through the next steps.  When I met with the HR representative, she told me, nonchalantly that the position was no longer available.  Red flag #3.  I went into shock- this center was aware that I was moving my life here to work and be a manager as discussed in the phone interview.  And then I'm told the job no longer is available because the useless piece of shit of a manager that was going to leave decided to stay and become even a bigger useless piece of shit.  (Really- this guy was the biggest useless piece of shit- he will appear in a future blog titled biggest useless piece of shit ever to walk this earth...in all actuality he's so useless he doesn't deserve to take up space on my blog- he's already wasting enough space, especially in my mind (I know that sounds so mean, but if you had to work with this guy- you'd understand).
  Anyway after nearly going into Oh Shit mode/What did I do, I asked "How was I not notified of this earlier? I told you I was going to move my life here and nobody gave me the decency to give me prior notice? So if that position isn't available- I know there were some housekeeping assistant positions opened that were posted on your site."  Which she then stated in her nonchalant manner "Oh we normally don't hire until the end of the summer" (Mind you,  they do this so they can use volunteers and not have to pay for those months of labor- Red Flag #4).  In shock, all I could say was  "I can't wait until September to get paid.  I already had planned ahead that for 3 months I'd be without insurance and have just enough for those 3 months to pay for temporary insurance." She didn't seem to care.  I continued by asking "Is there anything that can be done so that I can start getting paid for this coming month, otherwise I'm not going to be able to stay." In which she responded,  "I'll look into it." You would think that after this shady experience I would have packed my bags and ran, but no- I stayed. I guess things were looking up- things went in my favor and I started getting paid on the first of June.

Just a few days before June, however, I remember being at this body painting party- where I sadly painted myself. After feeling like the 13 year old trapped in my 30 year old body, I left the party discouraged, feeling alone, etc. I remember looking at the beautiful Colorado night sky with the stars twinkling about asking the heavens/gods above- Do I belong here? Where do I belong? Is there any place? I pleaded for an answer and next thing I know I heard a crack and fell into a ditch.   Miraculously I didn't break anything, but boy did I sprain that puppy badly.  That's what you get for questioning the heavens/gods.

My sprained foot and I- I needed to have my license revoked driving that thing

The summer months went by quickly; However, I did sense there was some strangeness among this center and among some of the programs that were being offered.  Red flag #5-1000000.  First of all, I learned that this Buddhist center was founded by an alcoholic and womanizer. This center and the people worshiped the founder as if he was God.  (For me, I don't like any type of worshiping, whether it's in regards to God or not).  After this founder died due to cirrhosis, the spiritual leader after him had AIDS and spread it among underage boys he slept with. He believed he was so enlightened that he and others were protected from AIDS.  And people still worshiped and honored him!
 I'm not saying I'm some Buddhism/Buddhist expert, but from the readings I have done regarding Buddha/Buddhism, there was just a lot within this center that didn't make sense to me, especially what I mentioned above.
 There were other things I was  uneasy about/didn't understand. For example, there seemed to be a lot of secrecy in the community; only high level practitioners could be exposed to. (Maybe it's my own ignorance to the culture- but I hate secrecy) The teachings considered only certain things to be sacred- where I thought in Buddhism, everything is considered sacred.  Also, when I spoke with people about this particular center and it's beliefs- they said it sounds like Scientology. (which in actuality it does- they do both have levels and it's all filled with craziness on how to be enlightened)!
I also had the wonderful experience of being called a "micK" by the director of education and practice studies here while he was on one of his belligerent drinking spree.  (Mind you...this guy was also a high level practitioner).
 Overall, I found this center and it's teachings to be very cult like and it just wasn't my cup of tea. Some people may ask why I didn't leave this center sooner, especially after finding this all out. All I can say is good question! I guess for me, I  enjoyed most of the people there..I enjoyed being with mother nature and being on top of a mountain. In all honesty, I didn't leave because I wasn't ready and didn't want to: I just wasn't ready to face reality/face the world.  In a weird way, it was comforting being on this "island."

In regards to the strangeness of the programs- there was this one high level program that was affiliated with the center's teachings.  The program was 10 days long and for all 10 days, the participants only wore white, only ate white colored food, and couldn't speak. They walked around like zombies and this was all to signify purity and total "enlightenment".  In actuality, I think it just signified insanity.  I say that for obvious reasons, but most importantly I say that because I firmly believe you can't pay for "enlightenment".  It just doesn't/shouldn't come with a price tag and these "enlightenment" programs cost a beautiful arm and leg. I'm talking at least 1-4 grand..sometimes more.  All in all, at this point, I was telling myself not to drink the kool-aid and that this enlightenment stuff is all bullshit--SCAM!

Other programs offered included other gurus from around the world.  This one guru in particular from Brazil and it's posh followers left their lodge rooms so messy. It was quite disgusting and sickening that these were considered "enlightened" people. I guess to be enlightened one must be a slob.

One of the benefits from working at the center was that we got the opportunity to participate in some of the programs for free. Being the curious type and wanting to learn more about whatever is out there, I signed up for a Shaman program....and I was scarred for life (Thank God I didn't have to pay for it).  I felt like this experience was a sequel to the documentary KUMARE-(I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it- It's a documentary about this guy who pretends to be a guru)

 I don't even know how to describe the weirdness of this experience and I don't even know where to begin.  I guess I'll start out by saying we were required to bring a feather, a crystal, a seashell, a candle and the most sacred thing we have as well as a few other things for this mesa thing. I came in with with all of that; with the most sacred thing being me: my heart and my body. After all, isn't our bodies the most sacred thing we should really cherish? Apparently not- because as I looked around the room to see what everybody else brought, that's when I knew- I better get out of here.  There were so many materialistic  and elaborate, intricate things people brought- I just didn't understand it.  The shaman came over to me and was like "oh the beginner mind."  While in my mind- I just wanted to say: no this is the sane mind.
Anyway, throughout this program, the shaman performed ceremonies. One included him putting liquid in his mouth, swishing it around and then spitting it at us.  Another point during the ceremony he was picking up artifacts from in the middle of the floor that he had strategically placed around, but as he was picking things up he made sure he bent down with his ass high in the air right in front of us women.  Luckily I left the program and didn't return.  Again, I don't know if it's my own ignorance to this stuff, but my eyes and ears had seen and heard enough.

In the midst of all of this craziness, I switched jobs from housekeeping assistant (due to the incompetent useless piece of shit) to a housing, travel coordinator/front desk job. Yes- 3 jobs in one and the worst part about it is that I still had to correlate with this stupid piece of shit. It was while working in this new position where I learned the center was in 5 million dollars debt. Red flag #10000000.  As I noticed my mental health and spiritual health disintegrating due to the feelings of being defeated from wanting/expecting so much and seeing everything fall apart in my own life and all around (including these  overpriced lodge rooms), I knew it was time to get the hell out of there. And I did, but not until I had a breakdown. Breakdown #1 of 4. 

I was destined to go home on January 18th and my breakdown occurred on the 29th of December.  My job had gotten the best of me and overall, my mind had gotten the best of me.  I will elaborate more on this in a future blog- otherwise I'd have to title this the never ending blog.

So... when I look back on my experience from being on top of the mountain,  I can't help but refer to the center as The  Land of Misfit Toys. I use that term because I believe us, the workers were all misfits of some sorts. (I could even go as far to say that the participants were even all misfits).  Some of us were there without purpose, some of us were there because we identified with this particular sect of "Buddhism" and/or wanted to be "enlightened", others were there because they had no place to go, and like me, some of us were there seeking what totally wasn't offered at this center, but didn't realize this until after arriving.  I guess looking back, like me, some of us were there hoping to escape the world outside and hoping to find peace and calmness in a small secluded community located high up on top of a mountain in Colorado.   Basically, we were all there for different reasons, but when it came down to it we were ALL misfits; and like in LOST, the TV series, we were all stuck on this Island.  Despite all the craziness we had to endure with the center, programs, participants, each other... we were all a family, a very dysfunctional family. We could  probably have been classified as dysfunctional as a dysfunctional family can get, but all in all, we were a family.  Looking back- I do have to say that the  one thing I miss about being up on top of the mountain is being a part of the land of misfit toys. The memories I had with some of the other misfits I will forever cherish.
However, it was time for me to leave the mountain, The Land of Misfit Toys, The Island.. especially after my breakdown.  I was a broken woman, broken in all senses: spiritually, mentally, physically, occupationally, intellectually, emotionally, socially, and financially. All that I had when I arrived to the island, I lost; it was all destroyed. It's as if a tornado wrecked havoc within my body, mind and soul. 

Painting I did a few years ago- Broken, Fallen Angel

Adapting back to civilization from this experience  as a broken woman and having to rebuild  has been the hardest part- hence my 4 breakdowns/psych wards in the last 3 months.Nobody will understand the experience I endured other than the other misfits that are out there..some that remain on the island, and the others that have escaped. I just hope to never go back. I can't- It just wouldn't be the same even if I did. And secondly- I never like to go back to places I've been- I like to move forward..it's too depressing going back.  (However, due to my breakdowns I had to move back home, but besides the point- when I get healthy- I'll be moving forward and not looking back)
Overall, the most valuable lessons I learned from all of this are the following: stay away from the island, continue not to drink any Kool-aid and most importantly, do better research, don't fall for any more scams, and come up with my own belief system. My one friend from this island said it perfectly "Religious institutions by their very nature become corrupted awful quickly.  Keep yer distance because spirituality don't need no teachers, your heart will speak louder if you listen than these people ever will." ~A.

Painting I left at the center

Editor's Note: Reviewing this blog several days after writing it, I realized I made the center sound like the worst center ever-like hell.  I'm not going to lie- sometimes my mind will believe it, but sometimes I would see some light and realize that it wasn't all that bad.  I think being in a depressed state of mind, there is failure to notice some of the benefits and the good experiences.  There is failure to understand to accept life how it is- that there is craziness all around- whether you are up on a mountain in a secluded spiritual community center or not.  The important thing I can learn from all of this is to realize and understand that there are some positive amongst negative- like a lotus flower amongst the muck.  There is always going to be a lot more muck than lotus flowers and it's important to focus on the lotus and take in it's beauty.  This shows you how important it is to focus on the positive and let go of judgements otherwise you get stuck in the muck and can even drown in it.

A lot of the negativity exposed earlier is caused by my judgements and inability to accept things for how they are. I have to realize that even though I saw some of these programs as craziness or muck, for some people it is what brought them happiness and peace, which was their lotus flower.  As humans, we all need ways to somehow cope with the craziness of this world  and how people want to spend their money and their  time/life is not up for me to judge (even though I did it so badly earlier on in this blog)  So, with this, I just feel the need to apologize for the extreme negative light I placed on the center. Some of the most inspiring and intriguing programs the center offered were programs directed towards cancer survivors/patients,  teenage girls from war torn countries that came together to create peace amongst themselves etc.
One of the most inspirational programs I am grateful I got to  participate in was the 7 day silent Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) retreat. It was beautiful. It makes me wish the whole  world could experience this.  It brought me some peace and compassion towards myself.

Picture my sister took of me.

Thank you for reading

Where did it all go wrong?

I finally awoke after a 19 hour slumber. I came home from my Partial Hospitalization Program yesterday with my mind and body feeling extremely exhausted. I was only going to take a nap... or so I thought. I awoke once during the night to use the bathroom, but fell right back to sleep. I also awoke when my alarm went off at 8:10am so I could make it to my program, but again, fell right back to sleep. Not happening I told myself.
I'd say some of my exhaustion is attributed to getting my period; while another part of the exhaustion is caused by the brain overload of information I'm receiving in the program.  Overall, I really enjoy the program, however, I think working on yourself/bettering yourself is the hardest job of all- actually I take that back- Being a human is the hardest job of all.
Yesterday there was a discussion on life- how as children we can't wait to become independent. But as children, we fail to recognize that with independence comes responsibilities. I find it a sick cycle- I remember being a kid (and I'm sure like most other kids) I couldn't wait to be an adult- I specifically remember being 8 and counting down the years till I was 18.   Now that I'm 30, I look back and wish I was that age all over again, except of course having the knowledge I have now.
  I don't know who is more stupid/sad- the 8 year old or the 30 year old; the hopeful or the discouraged.

In the short time I've been up, I have to say I accomplished quite a lot in my world.( In the world of "normal" people they'd look at what I've accomplished and laugh). As you can see- I'm working hard on not comparing myself.
 Well- one accomplishment is that I actually got up and ate! Another accomplishment was that I called Sallie Mae to get my loans straightened out.
 Anything Sallie Mae or college related is a huge trigger for me.  I become so upset, angry, pissed off, depressed at myself for ever going to college.  I have a huge regret ever going this route to become "successful." I blame my college experience for my unhappiness for the last 12 years. Even after attempting to go to grad school 3 times, I was rejected.  It is my belief that my undergrad GPA of 3.1 is holding me back.  Sad part is that I can't change it. Even though I took 8 other classes and received all A's, none of that matters.   I know this is something I need a lot of work on- for it has taken over my life.  I have become so fearful of making a similar mistake.  I try to be a fortune teller now and ask myself how the decisions I make today are going to affect me in the future.  The truth is- I don't know.
Unfortunately, after completing the Sallie Mae task- I went straight to bed again and slept for another 4 hours.  The coping mechanisms I have learned while in Program I could not even use for my depression started to kick in and I could only use the coping mechanism of  sleeping.  I just can't wait for the day that I can look back at the whole college experience and shrug it off; or to see it as a beneficial experience rather than the worst experience of my life.

When I ask myself where did it all go wrong- I could easily say college, however, deep within me the true answer is- Being born is where it all went wrong. 

What not to say to depressed people

I feel as though a lot of people who are not experiencing depression or who have never experienced depression don't know how to interact with those who are experiencing depression. Saying the wrong things to a depressed person can trigger them into further depression and a lot of people may not know that and/or may not understand it.  Coming from someone who suffers from extreme depression/bipolar II-  I'd like to give examples of wrong things to say and why it's wrong to say. With this I hope it gives some clarification as to why what you could be saying to someone can be detrimental.  Overall, depression can be genetic, an undiagnosed physical conditions (such as thryoid, head injury, pituitary gland, other medication), can be caused by Post Traumatic Stress disorder,  by suppressing anger, or can be situational etc I also believe depression is caused by not having the right coping skills.

I understand that being around a depressed person is not always easy- it's also not always easy being around yourself when you are the one depressed- trust me- that's why suicide/suicidal idealization can play a big role. A depressed person doesn't want to burden those around them and just sometimes they can't take the pain they are experiencing. Although from the outside, suicide is seen as a selfish act, when you are in the depressed state of mind- you really think it's a selfless act because you feel as though being non existent will bring relief to others, as well as yourself.  In this heightened state- you feel as though you are a burden and realize you don't want to bring those around you down.
For someone who has experienced gallbladder pain and multiple kidney stones, nothing comes close to true emotional pain.  The best way I can describe it is it  feels as though your heart is being clawed at until there is nothing left- and it doesn't go away.  It also doesn't help that when one experiences this pain,  a panic attack as can occur.
(Please note the following quotes were taken from  from  Health.com)




1) "There's is always someone worse off than you" or
"You should be grateful for what you have"
- This is not good to say reason being-as a depressed person you are aware that people are worse off than you and sometimes knowing people are worse off and not being grateful for what you have when you should be, but you're not- causes your depression to worsen.  Some people go into depression due to the state of the world  because they feel helpless and realize that they can't help those worse off. Some people carry the weight of world on their shoulders because they care too much and want to be like Mother Teresa. When they realize the weight is too much, a lot of times they will experience a breakdown/go into a depressed state.  So saying such a comment with further lead them into depression.



2) "No one ever said that life was fair".
Really? No fucking way! We know life isn't fair.  Sometimes being dealt a bad hand of cards-one after another after another etc can wear down people down- especially people who have high expectations and want the best. This can also occur to people who don't have the right, healthy coping skills to deal with the trials and tribulations of life.  So when expectations/dreams are being destroyed one after another, it's easy to give up because if you are running on fumes, you feel exhausted and can't keep up. It's easier said than done to say..well just have lesser expectations.  This is something not learned overnight- it takes a lot of time and practice to get to this state. 


3)  "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
Grrrrrrrrr. This one will send me on a rampage.  Sometimes depression isn't about self pity. Sometimes it's about self HATRED.  Two separate things.  And even if it was self pity- it's valid. Some depressed people mean well and want to do so much (like save the world) and when they become overwhelmed and can't do basic things like get up out of bed, never mind taking a shower- they are going to feel sorry because again, they want to be able to do things, but are bogged down and it just sends them into a negative spiral.  I suffer from extreme self hate- a lot of this is brought on by low self esteem that is carried on since childhood.  Even though most people would say get over it- it's not that easy- while some people may be made of teflon and can let things slide off of them, some of us are sponges and absorb all the negative things said to us. 


 4) "So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?"
 Way to be cognitively distorted asshole! Or better yet- Way to be an asshole- aren't you always an asshole, asshole.  That's all I have to say for this one.


 5)"Try not to be so depressed. Look at the positive"
First off- it's do or do not, there is no try.  Secondly- have a demon possess you and try to be positive; I'm sorry, but demons aren't positive. In a depressed mind frame all you can see is darkness there is no positiveness.


 6) "It’s your own fault"
My one sister was always good at saying this.
Actually it's my parents...or better yet it's DNA's fault asshole thank you very much. There is something called genetics and there are also things called circumstances/situations...like Death, loss of job, divorce etc, as well as undiagnosed physical conditions and everything else I had mentioned earlier. It always takes two to tango so nothing can be all someone's fault.

7) "Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days."
 That is not depression- that is sadness-two separate things...Depression lasts much longer. I think in general, nobody should ever say I know how you feel- because only the person feeling it will know exactly how they feel.


8)"I think your depression is a way of punishing us"
I have no words!

 9) "Haven’t you grown tired of all this “me, me, me” stuff yet?"
In a depressed state- all you see is tunnel vision. It's hard to see that there is light of day. It's also hard to relate to people because you feel alone.  Also, yes- we have grown tired of the person we've become or hated immensely the person we've become, which is why again- some depressed people will contemplate suicide because they can't get rid of the repetitive thought process.

10)  "Have you tried chamomile tea?" or  Meds are bad. 
For someone who has tried giving up meds and attempted the holistic approach -of essential oils, herbal teas, reiki, meditating, moving to a spiritual retreat center, 5HTP and SAM -E- it didn't work. Some of this put me into a further depressed state and caused further suicidal ideation.  After trying for 8 months a naturalistic route- I ended up in a psych ward four times in a very short period of time (3 months).  So yes- I have tried chamomile tea. 
Please- whatever you do- don't be bashing pharmaceutical companies and such when talking to a depressed person who is on meds.  It takes a lot of courage for us to seek help and we are in vulnerable positions.  Don't get involved in playing doctor. It's nice you are trying to help, but you could be causing more harm.  A lot of times when someone discusses alternative medicine to someone with depression and how awful the pharmaceutical drugs are- they may  stop their antidepressants and go into further depression. Please- just let the person figure things out on their own.   I explained to this one person (who mentioned to me to try hallucinogens because it will cure my ills and that meds only prolonged things and makes them worse) that as much as I hate meds and all,  I need them. I also won't do drugs of any kind.  I have had a lot of trauma in my life, low self confidence/self hate, have genetic predisposition etc. What I have going on I know is much deeper than therapy and meds can fix, but at least the meds I'm on are keeping me from killing myself. So please- keep your beliefs about what people who are depressed should be taking/doing to yourself. 
And please- if you are an alcoholic, smoker, or drug user giving advice- don't.  You obviously need help for your own problems.  Focus on yourself.

The last statement that I've heard numerous times, especially when involved in a romantic relationship is "If you love me you shouldn't be depressed or taking meds" or better yet "There is no such thing as depression"
 No, it's if you loved me- you would support me.
I had two boyfriends in my past who used the line "If you love me you shouldn't be depressed or taking meds"  You would think that after my experience with my first boyfriend that I would have learned and kick anybody who says such things to the curb...but I didn't.  The second boyfriend was worst because he is the one that told me that there is no such thing as depression.  So...of course when I was told this, I honestly contemplated it because I did love the guys..  And because of this and wanting to please them and not hurt their feelings for helping myself.. what did I do?....I stopped taking them.  The after affects were horrible because, naturally, I went into a further state of deep depression..both times. The second time was worst because I attempted suicide.


The following is a list of things to say instead:
I'm here for you
 I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.
  I love you. (Say this only if you mean it.)
I care about you.
 I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.
You are not crazy- you are just going through a difficult time.
You are not alone in this
You are important./ You are important to me.
I want the best for you/ I will pray for you/You are in my prayers/a lot of people are praying for you
We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.
Any other loving, positive words/affirmations.  (As you learn in kindergarten- if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all)
If you are lost for words- the best thing you can do is offer a hug
Sometimes, not saying anything is the best, honestly- just allow a depressed person to vent.
  
If you are finding that a depressed person is too much for you to handle, which I will admit we can be- and we are aware of it (we don't mean to be- we are just like a scratched record that keeps on repeating) give them/yourself space-Don't abandon them- tell them that you understand they are going through something very difficult, but you don't have the resources to help them. You can tell them that you are not a therapist or trained in these matters.  And offer a hug.  If you know of a good therapist refer them.
Even just being honest and saying something like "I'm sorry I can't help take away this pain you are feeling" is okay. It's good to be honest.

Trust me, as I've said before, I know it's really difficult being around someone depressed- negative energy is very powerful- so powerful it takes 3-5 positives to eliminate one negative.  Whatever you say, just please be positive.  Again- if the depression is too much for your to handle-tell them you are sorry you can't help them at this time.  Just add 3-5 positive sayings to it. Like just know you are beautiful, you will get through this, I love you, you are an amazing person, don't give up etc.  



I hope this helps.


Thank you for reading!

Seeing some light

Peacock by me- Made with markers

This is the first uplifting drawing with markers (that's all that was available) I did while in the psych ward- I haven't drawn anything uplifting in a long time- it's been at least  6 months since I've drawn/painted something nice.   The previous drawings I did while in the psych ward-ended up being ripped up and thrown in the trash for they were too dark, too graphic and too depressing.
 On  one page I had the world burning in fire and the countries were all outlined with fire with the words "Will we burn in heaven like we do down here written"(from sarah mclachlan's song). On another drawing, I drew a fallen angel crying on a rock with fire all around her and fire lightning bolts striking down against a dark black purple sky.  Another drawing I did, I had a rat in a cage and wrote "Despite all of my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage"(smashing pumpkins song), "People suck" and "The shit I am dealing with is too deep for meds to fix, too deep for therapy to fix; the shit is just way too deep it has captivated my soul and has held me hostage" So..as you can tell by this drawing I'm in a much better place.


 Going somewhat off topic-  I find it really disturbing what meds can do to you, which is one of the reasons why I prefer to go the holistic approach. However, what I've been through in the last 6 months, the holistic route won't be happening any time in the near future as I finally have something that works.
So in this past month,  I was at one psych ward for 12 days and then transferred to another one for another 12 days. (Mind you before all of this  I was at another psych ward for 12 days and was only out 1.5 weeks)  The day I got to the transferred psych ward, the doctor took me off one of the 2 meds I was on and put me on the new med Latuda.  After two days of taking it I ended up more psychotic/suicidal/ depressed/irritable/angry- talk about bipolar- I was experiencing mood swings at least 20 times a day for three days; and t was during this time frame I was drawing pictures of the world burning and rats being stuck in cages.   On the second day of this psychotic behavior the dr.  wanted to up the Latuda from 60 mg to 80 mg.  Luckily I refused to even take that pill that night and the next day. I didn't understand the logic of increasing meds when someone is experiencing extreme psychotic behavior. By psychotic behavior I mean- I had to be put on suicidal watch because I told the dr. I wanted to put my wet fingers in the outlets and was contemplating all the ways I could try to get away with killing myself at the facility (to think that you can get away with committing suicide at a psych ward is as psychotic as it gets). Plus I started yelling at the nurses for them not allowing me to have chocolate. It was pretty pathetic- we were allowed ice cream; mind you- I hadn't eaten anything sweet for 5 days (and this is coming from a chocoholic/candyholic) The minute the icecream and a morsel of chocolate touched my lips, my brain went off. I finished the ice cream and was craving my candy bar that was locked up.  I went to my nurse and then to the head nurse to get the candy and was denied it, which set me off.  I was screaming on top of my lungs telling them "no wonder why people are suicidal- you won't allow people to have their candy. You'll allow people to get their fix with smoking to damage their lungs and help oncologists and cancer centers to make more money but you won't give me candy" Did I say I was psychotic??

, I hate the psychiatric field because   It's as if they are trying to make people sick.  Anyway- the good news is that I refused the meds and started feeling better than I ever felt in a long time.  When I had the team meeting the following day (with dr, psychologist, nurses, allied health therapists), I told them that I don't think they understood what my brain has been going through the last 4 months- from my self medicating to all the different regimens of drugs I was put on each psych ward.  I told them that I would prefer to be taken off all meds, let my brain go to its natural state and then start from there. Well the dr. wasn't too thrilled with this and stated that he will just keep me on only 1 med.  Luckily this med is working just fine and I no longer feel as though I'm overdosed on meds, psychotic, suicidal, or depressed. Again, ideally, and as most people on meds for mental illness think- I'd rather be off meds and working through natural remedies; however, this world we live in is far from ideal and that's something I must accept.  So yay to happy pills at present moment.


Thank you for reading!

Past life

 I finally made it home yesterday after spending the last 3 months in 4 different psych wards.  I wrote my last blog on the 16th of February and the next day I was sent to the ER again.  I was in day program and told the facilitator that I just wanted to be euthanized. She then said that I had to go to the ER- and I refused.  "I'd only go if they are going to euthanize me" I told her.  I had a choice- go myself or go by force. I gave in.  I had to see my therapist at the program before being sent to the ER for screening purposes.  While he left the room, I grabbed my lanyard and wrapped it around my neck pulling with great force. I just wanted to die. Sure enough he came back moments later, at first he didn't see what I was doing, as he sat down and typed away.  It took a good amount of time before he realized what I was doing and attempted to force my hands away.  I wouldn't budge. I wanted it to end.  Sure enough I gave in- I realized my plan won't work- and I gave up.  I was then escorted up to the ER.  While in the room, the first thing I noticed were cords.  Yes..I thought.  I was desperate.  I sat in the hospital chair- practically lifeless.  It was as if a demon took over my body.  My eyes wandered over to the plug- Do it the voice inside of me said. So, trying to be as secretively sneaky as I could I grabbed hold of the plug.  The nurse that was in the room darted up and grabbed the cord.  Goddammit I thought as she took it away.  My eyes looked about to see what else I could use- another cord, the sharp container, the outlet. I had so many options or so I thought, but the nurse was now watching me like a hawk.  Godddamnit.  Why won't they just euthanize me- It's that simple!



  I thought the psych ward experience back in 2006 would be my last; boy was I wrong.  It's sad knowing that about 6 months ago I was reminiscing about the psych ward experience and how grateful I was to not have an episode since and not be suicidal.  Then, as the saying goes- like a ton of bricks- it hit me and it hit me hard.  I learned the hard way that to go natural when you have a mental illness is really difficult.  I thought I could be my own pharmacist/doctor because I wanted to be the one in control of my own health.  I don't like the idea of not knowing how to heal my own body. I've had a hard time trusting doctors.  A lot of this is caused by trauma I experienced while being treated in the medical field.

In this one situation- a doctor broke my hymen and tested me for STDS when I was still a virgin.  Not cool- especially since I told nurses and paramedics that I never had sex when they asked if I was pregnant.  However, when the doctor came in and asked me if I was sexually active- I said yes. I was confused. I  didn't understand the real meaning of sexual active.  Who knew kissing or making out wasn't  a form of sexual activity. I understand I may have put myself under the bus at that time, but I was really naive and innocent.  (I didn't understand sex despite what was taught in school. I honestly thought I would be a nun so I never paid attention in Health class on sex, drugs, etc.) To give an example of how naive and innocent I was- my sister  told me what a blow job was at age 18, she was 13.  I didn't know what masturbation really was about until I was 24.
So looking back,  I didn't understand why they didn't confront me and more importantly I didn't understand why they didn't explain why they were jabbing with a lot of force what seemed like a long metal sword up my vagina....in and out...in and out.   I squirmed and screamed on the top of my lungs FUCKING A, only to be yelled at to stay still.  This night still haunts me to this day.  It doesn't help either the fact that by the time I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend of 1.5 years a year after this incident, he broke up with me a week later. I must have been that good!

Another medical field experience I had was when I had a pulmonary embolism caused by birth control when I was 24.  I won't go into much details regarding this, but I had a pulmonary embolism, gallstone attack (which later led me to get my gallbladder out), and kidney stones.  It took me 4 visits to the ER before they finally evaluated and found that this was all going on in my body.  The story of this one would take up a whole blog.

It's interesting how suppressing such incidents/forcing yourself to not believe they even happened  will come back and bite you in the ass.  Since moving home, I've been reminded of all my skeletons and demons in my closet- from this incident to being raped, to being bullied, to failing miserably at dancing to being sexually harassed by a therapist to many other situations.  Being home reminds me of the  time I was five years old where an adult neighbor told me I was ugly, stupid and wouldn't amount to anything.  When most people would have used those venomous words as fuel to a fire burning within their soul, I absorbed those words and made them my own and have  been believing that that's all I am all of this time.  It's sad that some of the baggage we carry around goes back to our innocent years as children.  I feel as though the purpose of living as an adult is to undo and let go of all the shit that happened to you as a child.  Sometimes I can't help but think, suicide is more of a reset button. It's sick what your mind can come up with.