There is a quote by Christopher Reeve- on how some people are walking around with full use of their bodies and they are more paralyzed than himself.

I fear that I am one of those people.


I knew it was time to pack up my room.  I knew it was time that I needed to leave this world behind.  I looked around my room in pure disgust.  The mental illness I didn't' want to believe I had was projecting itself right in front of me,  It had projected itself all around me with piles of crap everywhere.  The worst thing about this scenario was, unlike a movie projector, I could not turn this off.  Instead the reel kept reeling. How in the world can a person live like this? What is all of this crap?  And none of it meant nothing to me...even the things that once did.  Like my himalayan salt lamp, I was losing my mind.  Or perhaps it was already lost.  In any case, it was nowhere to be found. To come to this painful realization...the realization that my mind was completely going, left me feeling worthless, useless.   I felt defeated.  I tried to fight my own mind and my mind clearly won. 
I had nothing here. 

Family and friends were thousands of miles away.  I wasn't comfortable picking up the phone to the few I had met here because they didn't understand.  I was vulnerable and I was scared.  Scared for my sanity, scared for my safety, scared for my life.

What had happened? I was doing so well?

Perhaps the event of returning from Thailand triggered this? Or perhaps going to Thailand triggered it? Or perhaps just living in a city I knew I didn't belong in triggered it.   Where am I going? What am I doing? Is all I could ask.   Do I pack my himalayan salt lamp that I have packed with me to 4 different states?? Or do I just let it go? Do I let it all just go?  It no longer has meaning to me.  None of this does.  My life here no longer has meaning.  I'm scared and I'm alone. 


I packed my himalyan salt lamp up with my items to be donated.  I gave it away to the less fortunate.  Perhaps they will find more use out of it than I have or ever will.  I know what is wrong with me. 
I'm stripping away to nothing. 
Is this depression?God I hope not.  Well..I guess it is in some sense, but it's the stripping away for the better things, or betting things I hope.  Have I gone mad?
.


Ever since my most recent breakdown back in 2014, I feel as though I'm a different person and truth is I am.  I'm asked quite often why I moved to San Francisco.  Truth is.  I was hoping for a better life.  I was hoping for change to a more positive direction.  I was hoping for sun, for warmth, etc.  Little did I know that in the short time I was here, I'd experience more traumatic experiences than I bargained for and little did I know how cold it actually got in SF.


It feels as though my search for happiness is similar to the search for drugs.  I can understand why drug addicts, why food addicts, why any kind of addict are the way they are.  We are all similar in that need to fill that void; fill the emptiness, the crater in our souls.  Why do I feel so empty? Is this really biological? Or is it perhaps due to just having low self esteem, lack of confidence?  Maybe it's both.


As of December of last year, I had gotten off my meds.   I wanted to believe that I didn't need to be on pharamceutical meds because in reality, I don't believe they were really helping and I didn't believe what I was experiencing was biological, but more situational.   My doctor was on board with my decision as I made a strong point as to why I didn't want to be on meds anymore.  These pills won't fix my self esteem, my lack of intelligence, and everything else that is wrong with me.  These pills only are a bandaid.  I was wanting to strip the bandaid away and let there be natural healing, but perhaps I'm realizing that maybe I do need that permanent bandaid. Too bad there weren't pills to help with common sense, self esteem/confidence, intelligence etc.
I know this is awful to say, but I'm sure many who have mental illness can agree with me.  I wish it were cancer than Mental illness.  If it were up to me, I'd sign up for euthanasia and donate my organs to people who are making a much bigger impact on this world than I am.  Mental illness kills no matter what.

New Chapter

I started a new blog for you to follow up with that I hope you enjoy.  It's in regards to the new chapter in my life and Turning Towards the Light. I hope you enjoy! On to new Chapters!!

Missing puzzle pieces

Doing puzzles is one of my favorite things to do.  However, it's never fun when there is a missing puzzle piece...or 10.  Usually when my puzzles are missing pieces, I take paper, place it behind the puzzle and paint/color it to make it look like the missing puzzle pieces.

I feel as though I am missing puzzle pieces within my heart, spirit and soul.   However, with these missing puzzle pieces, it's not easy to really do that trick. The missing puzzle pieces are deep wounds that can't seem to heal. The missing puzzle pieces are the painful holes of emptiness stabbed to death.   
I don't know what it is I'm missing.  Maybe it's because I have no idea what the puzzle is supposed to be.  It's supposed to be me...but I don't know what comprises me anymore other than these missing puzzle pieces...these deep wounds...the holes of emptiness.

Today in therapy, we had a talent show.  I performed the tin whistle and played 'amazing grace' while the other clients sang along.  After that, I performed Irish dancing, which I haven't done in years.  I got a lot of compliments after my performance.  However, I became quite sad after it.  I miss performing.  I miss dancing.  I miss teaching dancing.  I miss how good I once was.  Mind you I wasn't world champion..not even national or regional champion material whatsoever, but I was still good...much better than I am today for sure.

I miss having dreams.  My youth was comprised of dreams about dancing.  Of getting first, going to the worlds, being in Riverdance.  Dreams that never really became reality at all.  Dreams that are now left as that...just dreams.   I miss those dreams.  I miss working on trying to make those dreams become reality and not failing.    It's been 13 years since I last competed and I feel as though after I gave up dancing, a part of me died.  Most of my fellow classmates from elementary school, middle school and high school remember me for my dancing.  I used to perform every St. Patrick's Day in front of my classes.  I just loved performing.  I loved how nervous I would get, but most importantly, I loved the attention I received from my performances.  It was like my identity.  I was very lucky I was the only Irish dancer in my class because otherwise the other students would have realized how not so great of a dancer I really was.  I don't know.  Maybe I just miss my innocence and I relate my innocence to dancing. Whatever the case...I'm just missing a lot...but when it comes down to it. I think it's the innocence, having dreams and working on the dreams to be reality that I miss the most.


Thank you for reading.

Being Alone

I will admit to the fact that I am struggling.  I find being alone so hard.  I just want a warm body to hold and a warm body to hold me.  But we all know that isn't healthy.  It hurts being alone.  I guess it's really not being alone that hurts..it's more so the loneliness that is painful. 

The difficulty with me and relationships is plentiful.  I get too absorbed in the other person and their problems.  I become dependent on the other person to make me happy. I look for the other person to fix me, make me whole, put me back together...to complete me.  At the same time, I look to fix the other person...make them whole...make them happy.   However, we all know that, again, this isn't healthy and that we are responsible for our own happiness. 
 
 I just want to feel wanted, I want to feel needed, I want to feel loved.  But I think the wanting to feel wanted and needed and loved is an unhealthy sort of want. It's almost as if I want someone to be codependent on me.  It's as if I want to be someone's everything.  It's a constant lesson to remind myself that nobody can be someone's everything.
 
 I'm also learning that I tend to look for others to provide to me what I need to be providing to myself..and that is loving myself unconditionally.

  I have to remind myself constantly not to have tunnel vision...I have to remind myself that I am loved.  I have friends and family in my life that love me, that want to see me better, that want to see me succeed.  I just tend to look for the wrong people to love me.    

The last guy I was with stated to me that it seemed as though I wanted to mold him into someone else.  It's true.  I think it can also go the other way...that maybe I'm wanting someone to mold me.  I think when I get involved in relationships, I put high, unrealistic expectations on the unfortunate individuals.  This probably comes from the fact that I put high, unrealistic expectations on myself; therefore, I project onto others.  I feel as though I am always projecting; unfortunately it's not rainbows and butterflies I'm projecting, but darkness and rain.  I think it's time that I learn to accept being alone and lonely.  I think it's time to start to love myself and make myself complete and whole.  Wish me luck.  This is going to be quite the process.

Thank you for reading. 

Madly in love with Me

A few years ago, my roommate gave me a minibook called "Madly in love with me guidebook" by Christine Arylo.



I have realized that lately I have been putting pressure and expectations on others to love me since I  haven't been loving myself.  However, by doing so, all I've gotten in return is loneliness.  There is nothing worst than being in a relationship with someone and feeling lonely.  Actually being alone and lonely is pretty bad as well...maybe even more so than being in a relationship and lonely.   Being alone and lonely means that you don't love yourself enough to enjoy your own company.  I want to end this.  I want to be my own best friend.  I want to enjoy my own company.

I want to fall madly in love with me.

So tonight, I decided to open the mini book and jot down important information I think would be beneficial for me.


One of the quotes that struck a cord the hardest was: Every relationship you have is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.

I say this quote struck a cord pretty hard because it makes me scared to look at the relationships I have, especially this past one in particular.
But I need to change.  I don't want to be scared looking at relationships I am in anymore.  I don't want to be scared of the relationship I have with myself.

The love you seek starts and ends with the love you have for you.

It is your gift to learn to accept the person you are today, right now in this moment and love her, all of you.  It is your duty to free yourself to fully express every piece of you without apology, so brightly that you light every heart you touch like a firefly, including your own.


There are 5 gates of self-love

Self-love Gate #1:
I know who I am and what I want from this life.
- move from autopilot mode to self-awareness mode in operating your life
-ask, listen, and never settle for less than what my heart and soul desires.
-know difference between ego, personality, your spirit and essence.
-don't use relationships, substances or unconscious activities to stuff into your holes or avoid your emotions.


Self Love Gate #2:

All of my relationships support me to be my best me and to live the life I want, or I don't have them.
-this requires honoring yourself SO much that you only have relationships in your life- friendships, romantic partners, even relatives- that give respect, trust, unconditional love and truth.
Self love requires that you chose me before we in every relationship--this means making a commitment to create what your heart and soul desires.  There is no space in your life for relationships to drag you down, hold you back, create negative ju ju feelings, or take more energy than they give.

Self Love Gate #3:

My body is my temple:

- Since you and your body are life-long roommates, and you can't just trade it for a new one, you really have only one choice:  Transform your relationship with your body to one full of unconditional love and respect.
-See your body as the portal to which you experience everything in life- good food, great love, beautiful places, joy/happiness/smiles/hugs.
-When you notice something about your body you don't like you choose love vs hate.
-Your relationship shifts from being in servitude to you to being grateful for this beautiful temple you get to inhabit while on this earth.
-adore her, adorn her, dance in her, fill her with nourishment, love her for her imperfections, beautify her, by grateful for her, never hate her or yourself within her, and always find comparison for you both.

Self Love Gate #4:

I am nice to myself. I stop beating myself up.
-Give up comparisons.   Love yourself for who you are and use other's successes as inspiration, not as a way to beat yourself up.
Give up Gossip: Talking poorly about someone else is a direct reflection on the relationship you have with yourself.
Know the difference between your inner Mean Girl's voice and that of your deeper inner wisdom.  Know the difference between fear and ego speaking and your highest spirit talking. Choose to be motivated by love
The inner Mean girls is not in control.
You are compassionate and kind to yourself. Treat yourself with kindness as you would to a child.  Give yourself room to grow, love yourself through your mistakes, and Forgive yourself.  Love this inner mean girl to death


Self Love Gate #5:
Self-sustainability.
I deserve to take care of me, I replenish everyday, I take a weekly pause/sabbatical, I give up the badge of busyness, I receive, I don't have to drive and strive in order to survive, I see the value in being..I be before I do, I am enough, regardless if I do another thing.

Another One Bites the Dust

So a "relationship" just ended.  One I should have never gotten involved in. One I didn't want to get involved with in the first place.

I feel hurt and I feel angry.  I feel this way toward the person involved, but more so I'm angry and hurt at myself.

I'm angry at the person involved because from the get-go, I stated that I did not want to get involved.  It wasn't just once I stated this, but numerous times.  It makes me angry how people don't listen and don't respect what I say.  It makes me angry at the the fact that people stay persistent because they are out to fulfill their own wants and needs and not consider others.  I'm angry at the fact at how selfish this person was...(but what should I expect from an addict?)  When will people understand that no means NO?  NO is a complete sentence.

I'm hurt and angry at myself because from the get-go I did not want to get involved.  I knew getting involved would only lead me to pain and heartache and more suffering, which is not what I need. I knew getting involved would only be a distraction.   Sure it would provide instant pleasure...but we all know where instant pleasure gets us to...future pain. And believe me, this wasn't worth any of this.
  I knew getting involved would cost me my best friend who had previous relations with this person. You would have thought I could have learned from my friend...but no.  Sometimes charmers know how to charm.  This "charmer" wasn't worth it.  This charmer was not worth any of this.

I feel angry at the fact I knew the fate of this.  I get angry at the fact I don't listen to my own fucking self.  How the hell am I supposed to expect other people to listen to me when I don't listen to my own self?  How do I expect others to respect me when I don't respect myself?  How do I expect others to love me when I don't love myself?

I feel angry at the fact that I was not interested at all in this person.  I feel angry at the fact that I have low self esteem and the fact that I'm so weak.

I feel like it's so easy for men to get involved with someone because they don't have anything to protect.  While I, I have to protect it all.  I fall deeply, I love easily and I hurt easily.  I have a bruised and broken heart to protect.  I don't know why I bother protecting it.  It's almost become a dead horse.  A dead horse beaten to the ground.

I hate being in a vulnerable position. I feel as though people feed off that tremendously.  Why else is there abuse among children, disabled and elderly.. I need to add broken hearted in there as well bc people love to feed off of this.


I don't know what it is about me that I just can't stay single. All I do know is that I'd like to have a guy friend..but for some reason I can't just be friends with guys.  They always want more. I guess it's my inability to set up boundaries that causes me to fall into this sick cycle.  What is wrong?? Why can't I set boundaries up?

Is it to fulfill the need to feel wanted? To be loved?

 I have no fucking idea.

But it has to end and I have to figure this out soon because I'm tired of this merry go round.

Another thing what I'm tired about hearing is that my "knight in shining armor" will come.  I don't want a knight in shining fucking armor. I don't want a knight.  I don't want anybody.  I want to be happy by myself.  Why do people think that I need a man?  So they can bruise my heart more???

I used to be so fearful in the past to be all alone.  But now that's all I want.  I want to be able to support myself and be independent.  I don't want a man.

I don't need another one to bite the dust. I don't need my dead heart to be beaten anymore

Seeking Peace

Today, I decided to go for a solo hike around where I live.  I've been thinking way too much and have not been still or at peace enough.  

While on the hike, I sat down and wrote the following in my journal.

 So the same story continues on:

I am lost.

Lost in a world of abundance.

Lost.

Maybe it's boredom.

 Maybe it's the feeling of being caged. 

I just feel lonely.

 I feel like I want to explode.

 I have so much I want to express

 and I just don't know who to express it all to

 or even how to express myself.

I just can't be alone.

I don't know how to just be alone.

I miss the days of having fun

Long are those days
Long are those nights. 


I continued on:

Where is freedom? Does it exist? If so, I want to find it.  I don't think it's a matter of wanting anymore...it's a matter of needing it. 

I need freedom from myself.

My soul is clawing. It wants out of this world too much.  The blanket of darkness does not want to disappear.  Where is magic when you need it?

I felt freer up on the mountain.  I was able to roam...roam the land of mother earth whenever I pleased.  That freedom of just roaming is now over.  The freedom of being free is now gone.

Now back to reality I go.