Being Alone

I will admit to the fact that I am struggling.  I find being alone so hard.  I just want a warm body to hold and a warm body to hold me.  But we all know that isn't healthy.  It hurts being alone.  I guess it's really not being alone that hurts..it's more so the loneliness that is painful. 

The difficulty with me and relationships is plentiful.  I get too absorbed in the other person and their problems.  I become dependent on the other person to make me happy. I look for the other person to fix me, make me whole, put me back together...to complete me.  At the same time, I look to fix the other person...make them whole...make them happy.   However, we all know that, again, this isn't healthy and that we are responsible for our own happiness. 
 
 I just want to feel wanted, I want to feel needed, I want to feel loved.  But I think the wanting to feel wanted and needed and loved is an unhealthy sort of want. It's almost as if I want someone to be codependent on me.  It's as if I want to be someone's everything.  It's a constant lesson to remind myself that nobody can be someone's everything.
 
 I'm also learning that I tend to look for others to provide to me what I need to be providing to myself..and that is loving myself unconditionally.

  I have to remind myself constantly not to have tunnel vision...I have to remind myself that I am loved.  I have friends and family in my life that love me, that want to see me better, that want to see me succeed.  I just tend to look for the wrong people to love me.    

The last guy I was with stated to me that it seemed as though I wanted to mold him into someone else.  It's true.  I think it can also go the other way...that maybe I'm wanting someone to mold me.  I think when I get involved in relationships, I put high, unrealistic expectations on the unfortunate individuals.  This probably comes from the fact that I put high, unrealistic expectations on myself; therefore, I project onto others.  I feel as though I am always projecting; unfortunately it's not rainbows and butterflies I'm projecting, but darkness and rain.  I think it's time that I learn to accept being alone and lonely.  I think it's time to start to love myself and make myself complete and whole.  Wish me luck.  This is going to be quite the process.

Thank you for reading.