So a "relationship" just ended. One I should have never gotten involved in. One I didn't want to get involved with in the first place.
I feel hurt and I feel angry. I feel this way toward the person involved, but more so I'm angry and hurt at myself.
I'm angry at the person involved because from the get-go, I stated that I did not want to get involved. It wasn't just once I stated this, but numerous times. It makes me angry how people don't listen and don't respect what I say. It makes me angry at the the fact that people stay persistent because they are out to fulfill their own wants and needs and not consider others. I'm angry at the fact at how selfish this person was...(but what should I expect from an addict?) When will people understand that no means NO? NO is a complete sentence.
I'm hurt and angry at myself because from the get-go I did not want to get involved. I knew getting involved would only lead me to pain and heartache and more suffering, which is not what I need. I knew getting involved would only be a distraction. Sure it would provide instant pleasure...but we all know where instant pleasure gets us to...future pain. And believe me, this wasn't worth any of this.
I knew getting involved would cost me my best friend who had previous relations with this person. You would have thought I could have learned from my friend...but no. Sometimes charmers know how to charm. This "charmer" wasn't worth it. This charmer was not worth any of this.
I feel angry at the fact I knew the fate of this. I get angry at the fact I don't listen to my own fucking self. How the hell am I supposed to expect other people to listen to me when I don't listen to my own self? How do I expect others to respect me when I don't respect myself? How do I expect others to love me when I don't love myself?
I feel angry at the fact that I was not interested at all in this person. I feel angry at the fact that I have low self esteem and the fact that I'm so weak.
I feel like it's so easy for men to get involved with someone because they don't have anything to protect. While I, I have to protect it all. I fall deeply, I love easily and I hurt easily. I have a bruised and broken heart to protect. I don't know why I bother protecting it. It's almost become a dead horse. A dead horse beaten to the ground.
I hate being in a vulnerable position. I feel as though people feed off that tremendously. Why else is there abuse among children, disabled and elderly.. I need to add broken hearted in there as well bc people love to feed off of this.
I don't know what it is about me that I just can't stay single. All I do know is that I'd like to have a guy friend..but for some reason I can't just be friends with guys. They always want more. I guess it's my inability to set up boundaries that causes me to fall into this sick cycle. What is wrong?? Why can't I set boundaries up?
Is it to fulfill the need to feel wanted? To be loved?
I have no fucking idea.
But it has to end and I have to figure this out soon because I'm tired of this merry go round.
Another thing what I'm tired about hearing is that my "knight in shining armor" will come. I don't want a knight in shining fucking armor. I don't want a knight. I don't want anybody. I want to be happy by myself. Why do people think that I need a man? So they can bruise my heart more???
I used to be so fearful in the past to be all alone. But now that's all I want. I want to be able to support myself and be independent. I don't want a man.
I don't need another one to bite the dust. I don't need my dead heart to be beaten anymore
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