Missing puzzle pieces

Doing puzzles is one of my favorite things to do.  However, it's never fun when there is a missing puzzle piece...or 10.  Usually when my puzzles are missing pieces, I take paper, place it behind the puzzle and paint/color it to make it look like the missing puzzle pieces.

I feel as though I am missing puzzle pieces within my heart, spirit and soul.   However, with these missing puzzle pieces, it's not easy to really do that trick. The missing puzzle pieces are deep wounds that can't seem to heal. The missing puzzle pieces are the painful holes of emptiness stabbed to death.   
I don't know what it is I'm missing.  Maybe it's because I have no idea what the puzzle is supposed to be.  It's supposed to be me...but I don't know what comprises me anymore other than these missing puzzle pieces...these deep wounds...the holes of emptiness.

Today in therapy, we had a talent show.  I performed the tin whistle and played 'amazing grace' while the other clients sang along.  After that, I performed Irish dancing, which I haven't done in years.  I got a lot of compliments after my performance.  However, I became quite sad after it.  I miss performing.  I miss dancing.  I miss teaching dancing.  I miss how good I once was.  Mind you I wasn't world champion..not even national or regional champion material whatsoever, but I was still good...much better than I am today for sure.

I miss having dreams.  My youth was comprised of dreams about dancing.  Of getting first, going to the worlds, being in Riverdance.  Dreams that never really became reality at all.  Dreams that are now left as that...just dreams.   I miss those dreams.  I miss working on trying to make those dreams become reality and not failing.    It's been 13 years since I last competed and I feel as though after I gave up dancing, a part of me died.  Most of my fellow classmates from elementary school, middle school and high school remember me for my dancing.  I used to perform every St. Patrick's Day in front of my classes.  I just loved performing.  I loved how nervous I would get, but most importantly, I loved the attention I received from my performances.  It was like my identity.  I was very lucky I was the only Irish dancer in my class because otherwise the other students would have realized how not so great of a dancer I really was.  I don't know.  Maybe I just miss my innocence and I relate my innocence to dancing. Whatever the case...I'm just missing a lot...but when it comes down to it. I think it's the innocence, having dreams and working on the dreams to be reality that I miss the most.


Thank you for reading.