Incompetent fool

Yesterday was filled with a lot of irony. I guess that's no surprise considering the fact that it was a full moon and Friday the 13th. What made the day so ironic was the fact that I revisited my high school to participate in the relay for life.  The whole idea of ever stepping foot back into my high school is absurd.  However, here I was, walking the halls I had walked down numerous times so many years ago.  I saw the mirrors that I use to avoid, and although my first reaction was to avoid them, I tried to show compassion to myself and tell myself it's okay to look.  "You're not going to break it. Don't fear the image in the mirror." I told myself.

 The feeling of being around so many high school students was a common feeling...it's the "I'm so out of place" feeling.  I say  it is common b/c even while in high school, I felt so out of place and that feeling continues to linger on.  Being within these walls was just really strange.  I forgot what the school looked like inside, the only thing I can say from all of it was that it appeared so much smaller than how I remembered it.

I was reminded of my very first day of freshman year.  During homeroom, I got really sick.  I went to the bathroom and started to feel  intense stomach pain, queasy/nauseous and started shaking and crying uncontrollably.  Although I didn't know what it was at the time, looking back,  I was having severe panic attack.  I had gone to the nurse who thought I may have a stomach bug since I had the extreme stomach pain and she sent me home.  I can't help but think if only I was treated for my panic attacks back then...it would have saved me a lot of trouble...especially in college.  College was where I experienced it the worst, especially while giving presentations in front of the class. There were numerous times I ran out of the classroom while giving the presentation, or after due to the intense feelings I was experiencing.  It wasn't fun at all.

Okay, I'm going off topic.

So another thing I found ironic was the fact that here I was among people who either were fighting for their lives or had a loved one that was, or one that passed away from cancer.

I couldn't help but feel out of place and ashamed of myself.

You see, while these people are fighting for their lives, I'm fighting for the complete opposite.  I would do anything to give up my 'right' to live so that someone else can live.  And it just sucks that life doesn't work out that way.  It sucks how while people are fighting to live and have so much appreciation for life, I continue to contemplate suicide and continue to not have the ability to appreciate anything.


I'm not going to lie. Today has been quite a numb day.

I went to go weed whacking where my father works.  Mind you, I've never done weed whacking before.  Sure I worked for a landscaping company one summer, but that included spreading mulch, planting,  and weeding by hand.  My father briefly demonstrated how to use the machine with a quick demonstration as he usually does when teaching things.  Although the whole concept of weed whacking isn't hard, I wasn't told about the wire strings.

So..off I went to his work to begin the job.  When I arrived I saw the owner's wife on the lawn mower and  saw the weed whacker near the barn.  Although she saw me, she kept on mowing the lawn, so I figured I'd turned it on and start weed whacking the pathway. I really had no idea where they wanted me to weed whack so I kind of did it everywhere.  I must have been weed whacking for a good forty five minutes before I noticed that the weed whacker did not seem to be whacking any weeds. So, I turned it off and didn't see any wire string left. I started to panic.  "Oh no I broke it. You idiot. You can't do anything right." said the voice inside my head... "You're so stupid."    Feeling embarrassed and ashamed, I went over to the house to see if the owner was home to help me. He came out and I apologized profusely about the wire string. In which of course he was like "no problem, it happens" as he worked his magic to fix it.

So off I went to continue doing the work.  But the voice got louder and more abusive as the day went on..  "You don't have any clue what you are doing. Look at all the time you wasted.  It doesn't even look like you touched anything.  You're going to embarrass dad.  You have to go back and redo everything. It's not good enough. You're not good enough. Why are you even here?. Why are you living?  You have no confidence.  How are you going to get by in this life without confidence? You can't even do a weed whacking job. How are you going to hold down any job? You are such a slow learner.  Nobody has the patience to teach you things. Nobody has the compassion to teach you. Nobody has the time and energy to help your confidence.  Somebody else could be doing this job so much better than you.  They are wasting their money on you. You're so slow. You're doing this all wrong. You're pathetic. You're lost and you will never be found. You'll never be loved."

This is a glimpse of what went on inside my head today. Over and over and over again. Although I tried to stop the thoughts, they came back more and more powerful.

 It's hurts.  It hurts knowing I don't have an ounce of confidence. It hurts knowing that I can't live life.  That I can't accept the fact that I'm doing the best I can and that's good enough; and if someone has a problem with it..that's their problem not mine. It hurts that I want to so desperately please others. It hurts knowing that I don't think I'm good enough and that I think others think the same.  It hurts to feel like I'm so incompetent. Sometimes..it just hurts to feel.

It hurts to think about the times I was drunk and filled with confidence. It hurts that the moment I got home, I poured myself two shots.  I haven't drank in months.

Thank you for reading.

True Ugliness

So, today I realized why I have such hatred for myself.


I feel as though I'm plagued with jealousy and envy; and I just hate it. I don't like this being a part of me whatsoever.  It's an ugly characteristic and I feel as though I've possessed this for a majority of my life.  I can understand why it is called a deadly sin because having this characteristic makes me hate myself to a point where I want to harm myself...to a point where I want to die.

 Although I dare not to wish misfortune onto others, I find it hard to admire, appreciate, and congratulate the hard work others have put in to get to where they are today.  I guess because I'm not there and have nothing to my name; I just wish I could be like them. I wish it could be me.  Or maybe I just wish I could be them...And the fact I am who I am, just pains me.

 My one friend in particular stared in Riverdance and is now an art teacher. She's such a beautiful person inside and out and it just kills me that I am jealous towards her.  It also  hurts to know I will never have what she has or accomplish what she has.  And it's not just this friend that I'm envious and jealous of, it's copious amounts of people. It hurts to know that I will never have what many people have.  And this jealousy/envy paralyzes me.  It hardens me and decays my heart. It tears apart and then shrinks my spirit...it shrinks my soul. 

I found the following while looking up quotes about jealousy and envy.


"Envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970- British philosopher, logician, mathematician, historian, social critic, and political activist).

"The jealous are possessed by a mad devil and a dull spirit at the same time." Johann Caspar Lavater (1741-1801- a Swiss poet and physiognomist- a person supposedly able to judge character).

 "A competent and self confident person is incapable of jealousy.  Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity" ~ Robert Heinlein (1907-1988- Science Fiction writer).

It's true. I feel possessed.   I feel decayed inside.  I feel like an awful, awful person. I feel evil.

I think the following quote sums up what I am experiencing when it comes to jealousy very well:

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.  There is only one alternative - self-value.  If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.  You will always think it's a mistake or luck.  Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.  Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.  Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.  Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. "
~Jennifer James (1977- English actress)

I'm tired of being this hideous, ugly person I am. I need to end all of this.  I need to end it now. I need to somehow find the light. 

Thank you for reading. 

Ranting and Raving

I'm just going to warn you that this blog goes off on a bit of a tangent..hence why I call it ranting and raving.   It's just basically been my experience and thoughts of the day...so bear with it.  Hopefully by the end..it will all come together and make some sort of sense.

Today in therapy was rough. I'm finding a lot of the other women to be annoying.  But, maybe that's just my problem.  Well..of course it is.  I allow them to annoy me.  I allow lots of people to annoy me.  Which is why it would probably be best for me to go live up on a mountain alone.  But even doing that..I'd annoy myself.  I just can't win.

We had this community meeting today where we all gathered around to discuss the emotional eating program.  I honestly think I'm in the wrong track.  But again, maybe this is my perception of everything.  Is there anywhere I fit in? I guess I understand why I've jumped from job to job, state to state, guy to guy...because I never feel I belong. I never really feel deeply connected.    I just feel like I'm off... Like I don't belong on this planet.  I don't know how to belong.  I think I'm just an awkward individual.

Today, these women were all just complaining about the food that has been offered.  I rarely hear these women say one positive thing...not just about the food..but anything.  This one woman in particular is just so mean. She's constantly talking about how stupid the therapists are.  Ugh..it's just pure annoyance.  In any case..my blood started boiling with all of the complaints about the food...from the bananas being too cold...to another woman complaining about picking up other people's eating habits.   I blurted out that "sounds as though we would never survive in Africa." It probably wasn't the best thing to say since the therapist looked at me in shock.  I was grateful for the dietician because she then looked at me and told me that she understood what I meant.   Then of course..the room went silent for a few seconds and you think I would have just shut up then...but no.  I went off again how "sick I am of these stupid first world problems." I guess you can say I was having my two year old tantrum. 


My saying of this was not to really attack these ladies at all, it's the problem I am having that I'm projecting out...It's what I do best.  I really haven't been feeling well these past couple of days..well to be honest the past few weeks. The feelings of being stuck in quicksand are just really starting to get to me.

 I'm so sick of the way the world is.  I'm so sick of how I allow what goes on in society to affect who I am as a person..to affect my thoughts of myself.  I just feel as though I can't keep up with society...fuck the Kardashians.  I can't keep up with expectations people have...that I have.  I just can't understand why I can't appreciate what I have and know that where I am at is good enough.  And that people can accept me for where I am.  But being in this society..it's always more, more MORE..perfection, perfection, perfection.  I don't know..I feel like I've given up.  I feel like I don't have purpose.  I feel like I'm stuck on a planet I don't belong in.  I feel lonely..I feel miserable.  I can't relate to anyone in this part of town.  I think it's one thing to be poor and live around other poor people..but when you are the poor person in a wealthy town it fucking sucks! 16 year olds driving cars around...okay sorry 17... that their parents bought them.  It kills me. It kills me the fact that I bought my own car with all the money I saved since I was 5 years old (my first communion) and a few weeks after getting it my father backed up into it.  It sucks that a few months later...the engine blew out.  It just fucking sucks...I don't get the purpose of working hard. I really don't.  Maybe I've just given up so easily...but I don't know what to work for anymore.   I just don't think I can hold on much longer.

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in over a year. I've been cutting my own hair within the year.   And she was like.."wow do you do a lot of dying or bleaching with your hair" and I was like no.  I haven't done anything to my hair in years. She was just like "wow..it's really dead."  I told her I was cutting it myself..but she was like.."no that shouldn't do it." Then after she cut it she told me that "I shouldn't wash my hair everyday..b/c I have redness and dandruff."  The thing is...I don't wash it everyday...sometimes I'll go 3 days without washing it.  So it just stunk..here I am just trying to feel good about myself getting a haircut and being shot down.  Then...I went into my car and it wouldn't start! Grrrr...I'm just fed fucking up! Luckily it started about 10 mins later. 

When I got home, I decided to go for a run. I needed to clear my head.  So off I ran.  There is a barn down the road from where I live and I have been wanting to go in and ask if I can pet the horses and if they needed barn help.  So..I went down this long driveway and saw a man cutting grass.  I went up to him asking if he lived there, which he replied yes.  I then asked if he'd "mind if I pet the horses." He glared at me and said "yes, I do mind."  I was kindof taken aback..so to make sure I heard him properly, I said "sorry, did you say you do mind." Which his rude response was "yes..that's what I said. I mind"  So feeling shot down, I turned around and started running back home.

I just don't get it.  What the fuck is wrong with people? Are there any nice people left on this planet???  Okay..I know I'm having distorted thoughts right now.  I just couldn't help but think..well maybe if I were prettier and drop dead gorgeous, I'd be allowed to pet them. I'd probably be allowed to do anything if I were gorgeous.

  In any case, today has motivated me to plan my next adventure..my escape from this town, this state...yet again.  I think I just came up with a purpose.  I understand that this may not be a brilliant idea, but have I really ever had any brilliant ideas????? Ummm...let me answer that.....ummmm... NOOOOOO.  I know escaping is not the best answer..but hey not all escapes are bad.  Remember Jaycee Dugard and Elizabeth Smart? They escaped.  I know..it's totally unrelated to what I'm talking about..but at least it will give me a sense of purpose to plan my escape into a different world..or at least another land of misfit toys...just anywhere.  I just want to feel human God damnit.


Okay...I think I feel better now.

Thanks for reading!!

Darkness again

My  Poems from yesterday

Trees seem to be my only friend
Sitting beside them, I feel my heart mend
I sit here waiting
With the rain pissing down
Mixing with my tears
I feel like a clown

 
Stuck in quicksand
Can't seem to figure out who I am
I don't have any plans
To survive
Please someone help me
I'm struggling to breathe
My soul wants to be set free
From this pain


I apologize for my immaturity
I fear not having security
For I've lost my blanket long ago
I have searched high
I have searched low
And yet..it can't be found
 Attachment is now my biggest fear
I get too scared when things come near
I can't cope with losing what I hold so dear
Anymore.
And now that you have come around
You've knocked on my walls
My guard crumbled down
And there is nothing to be found
There is no treasure here
The blanket disappeared.


A fish caught too many times
Only to be thrown back into the ocean
Now it's living life in slow motion
Afraid to take any bait..
Already predicting its fate.
When it's finally caught
You will be distraught
Slice it wide open
And you see it is broken
There is nothing but decay and it is hollow
Not enough meat for a man to swallow
Since there is nothing even to savor
Please be kind and do it a favor
Throw it back into the sea
Let it float away
And be food for a prey
that will enjoy such misery.


This fish can't be caught
I feel a bit distraught
There is no one to blame
I keep myself insane
I keep pushing people away
And at the same time beg them to stay
The push and pulling is oh so confusing
It's almost abusing
The other person involved.



I want nobody knowing I want to die
I want nobody knowing that I'm starting to cry
I feel as though I'm living a lie
I sit here under a tree that's dead
Wishing it were me instead.

Turning towards the Light

I've decided to create a new blog.  Just moments after finishing my most recent entry, First World Problem, I decided it was time to close this chapter of my life.  I am finding that I am going down a negative spiral and I need to stop this insanity.   Sure, my mind has gone insane..but that doesn't mean it has to stay this way.  So I am making the choice by Turning towards the light.  It is time to shake the devil off my back. It's time to bury that horse in the ground.



"Shake It Out"- Florence and the Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Thanks for reading! Here, here to a new chapter of my life! 

First World Problem

I know I've written a blog in the past about loneliness, but here I am, again, to write another one.  These past few days have plagued me with this intense emotional feeling.  It's got me to the point where I am questioning if I need med adjustments. A part of me thinks that this is just something I have to ride out because I know there are no meds to cure loneliness..but how much more suffering can I put myself through?  This feeling is deadly.   A part of me just wants to hit the bottle, but my wise mind knows that doing so solves nothing...it only temporarily relieves the suffering.  This feeling is still going to be there when I sober up, so it's not even worth it.  It's not worth the extra pain of a hangover...that's just causing more suffering.

 If only there was a magic pill to cure loneliness. 

 Loneliness is, unfortunately, a first world's major problem and sadly, it is the greatest poverty of all.   As Mother Teresa stated in an interview with a reporter: "Everywhere I go people tell me of their hardships and struggles, and ask for help, and I give what I can. But of all the countries I have been to, the poorest one I have been to is America...America suffers most from the poverty of loneliness.”

This quote is so disturbing, yet so true. 

It's hard to feel a sense of community in today's world.  I feel as though the communities that are out there are way too superficial to begin with.  Religions, spiritual centers..they make me feel more lonely when I'm involved with them.  Everybody appears so happy..but is it all a front? After all, we can't always be happy...it's not humanly possible, right?!  I just look around and I see such dedicated people in these types of organizations.

I've heard before that happiness is a choice and there was a time I lived by that mantra.  It's just hard to think happy when stuck in quicksand.  It's easier to think fear...but I think that's a whole other blog I'd have to write about.

 Social media makes me feel even more lonely.  I find it so hard to be happy for people whose lives are moving forward, while mine seems to be stuck on slow motion rewind.  I also just find it hard to reach out to people in time of despair.  Not many people want to hear about your suffering.  I can't blame them, but I can't put on a mask much longer, which is one of the reasons why I deactivated my Facebook account today.    Another reason is due to the fact that I was experiencing more loneliness being on there.  I felt as though I was being desperate...desperate for attention by posting nonsense stuff...desperate to not feel so alone.  A part of me wanted to express my loneliness, but it's just weird expressing all of that on Facebook.  Expressing myself on here is a different story..because only like 5 people (if that) read this blog.  And..on here, people can relate..which is probably why you guys read it.

 I'm having a hard time reaching out to people because I don't want them to worry.  I don't want them knowing that I'm falling.  I don't want them knowing that my SI's are back :(.  A lot of this is my stupid ego getting in the way.  I just don't think there is anything anybody can do to help me get rid of this feeling.  If someone could hug me for 20 seconds..maybe that would do the trick..but I need a lot of hugs.  Maybe I just need a dog.  I'd hug myself...but there are only so many times you can hug yourself before it gets old.  I guess I need to put more love into it. Its hard to put love into something you can't stand! Obviously, I need a lot more lessons on compassion.

So, the following are quotes I found while looking up "quotes about loneliness." So, I listed a few below along with some comments.

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." ~Brendan Francis.
I like this one. It's so true.  I really only feel lonely because I feel lost. 

I didn't really like Sharon Salzberg's quote (I have no idea who she is...I just found this quote on BrainyQuote.com) - "If you go deeper and deeper into your own heart, you'll be living in a world with less fear, isolation and loneliness."  Okay...I just looked her up on Google and apparently she is a meditation teacher and author.  That's why I don't agree with it...Oh these spiritual people!  I don't know..I feel like I've been going deeper and deeper into my heart...and I'm feeling more and more lonely.  Obviously, I must not be doing it right if Sharon is stating otherwise.   I just feel as though going deeper and deeper is like pulling the layers apart from my heart to see the core.  My core is pain, suffering, loneliness.  I wish I could take some clay and mold a new heart and insert it into my chest.  I feel like the heart I have right now is too damaged.  I feel like it's road kill. 


Next quote I found:   "If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry"- Anton Chekhov.   This one is so true! It's awful being in a relationship and feeling lonely. 


According to Paul Tillich- "Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone." I can't wait for the day I experience solitude.

I want whatever Henry Rollins was smoking: "Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better." 

I'll end with this quote by Dag Hammarskjold- "Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."

Maybe that's what I need to do more of.  Pray.  It just feels weird for me to pray. I feel like a hypocrite when I pray, especially for myself.  I can easily put good thoughts in the universe for others..but not with myself.

And..then I wonder why I'm lonely.  

Thanks for reading!

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.

Henry Rollins

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/loneliness.html#6f977fPlStijrjUh.99

The Devil's Playground

This week, I was dropped down from full days to half days in therapy.  So now, instead of 6 hours of therapy everyday, I have 3 hrs.  With this, I have a lot of time on my hands...A LOT of time.  Too much time if you ask me.   And with all of this time..comes idle hands and with idle hands comes.. you guessed it...an idle mind.  Welcome to the Devil's playground!


"It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man," ~Benjamin Franklin

It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man.

Benjamin Franklin

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/idle.html#vmF8ocmbb5Mk2VHO.99

With the change in the program, I am forced to face reality.  I'm forced to face the fact that I'm losing the support system I have had for the last 3 months and it's scary.  In a few short weeks, I'll be left alone.  It will be me against this great big world.  My safe haven will no longer be around and it will be up to me to find a safe place...to find safe people that will help me blossom and not destroy me. It's up to me to stand on my own two feet.  It's up to me to not self sabotage.

And I'm feeling it..I'm feeling myself self-sabotage..and it's only been a week since I was moved down.  I see myself self sabotaging in many ways. Lately, my SI's have been banging on my door.  I think some, if not all of it, has to do with the changes that have occurred as well as not having a job lined up to help preoccupy my mind. And I think some of it has to do with the fact that the jobs I am applying for are the same jobs I applied to when I was 16 years old.  Here I am, a college graduate, who has worked for 19 years of her life...competing with 16 year olds for a job.  The judgmental thought of I'm a loser has come into my mind.  Actually, the whole Radiohead song "I'm a creep" is playing over in my head.  Although I'm attempting to be productive by finding a job, exercising and doing art, there is still idleness...and as you can see..there is misery. Luckily, the SI's are not as bad as they were earlier this year, but they are there and they are starting to seep in.  And when you're at the point where SI's are seeping in..you know negativity is already in.


I know during this idle period, I'm to work on skills and practice them.  I am to eat healthy and balanced meals 3 times a day.  I'm to avoid over sleeping and practice doing opposite to emotion action.  However, this all requires self care and my negative mind does not like the sound of that.  So..to avoid self care, I've come to the point where I feel as though I'm starting to revert back to my distorted thinking mode. I'm starting to self sabotage. I'm looking for anything to distract me from actually spending the time to further heal myself. I'm looking for something/someone to cling onto and it's a scary place to be.  I've been in this position far too many times to know the outcome.  I feel myself start to go into desperate mode  to help save the world.  I get like this because I need to distract...otherwise I have to focus on me and I'm too flawed to want to do it. 

As I'm observing my mind and my actions, I realize how easily I try to push people away and I'm becoming aware as to why I do it.  I do it because I realize, in a sick way, it is satisfying when I do it.  It validates my belief that i am unlovable when I push people away.  It feeds into my negative mind.  It feeds into me isolating to further feed the negative mind.


To avoid eating dinner, I went for a run.  I don't listen to any music because I get too wrapped up in the songs.  Lately, I've been avoiding the radio because songs are starting to trigger me.  It just seems like every song out there is about drinking, pretty girls shaking their asses (doesn't help with my body image issues)...people breaking up...people being trouble...all things that are triggering.  So while running, the most triggering of all songs... Breathe by Sia popped into my head. 

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me.

Although a part of me was hoping I could be like Forrest Gump and continue running, my wise mind took over.   STOP it shouted at me.  I then realized it wasn't at all possible for me to be like Forrest Gump.  1.5 miles of running was enough because I know I had to run 1.5 miles back and I felt as though I was already going to pass out.  While running back, I noticed the wind pick up and the clouds were darkening.  I wanted it to rain so bad. There is nothing like exercising in a storm.  It gives me adrenaline and makes me want to shout Fuck You! I'm stronger than this..I will prevail. because I know the storm will pass and no storm outside will hold me back. (unless of course it's a tornado, tsunami, hurricane, lightning storm..etc...then that's a different story.)  It's interesting, however, how the tables turn when I'm experiencing my mental storm (now this is when the tornadoes etc come into play)..it's the storm in my mind that yells to me "Fuck you. You are too weak".  So it was during this time that I decided I'm going to beat this storm in my head as well.  So..Fuck you.. I'm stronger than you negative mind...I will prevail.

When I came home from my run..I ate a piece of steak, a bit of a potato, some mushrooms and broccoli...take that negative mind! Lesley, my dietician, would be proud. But most importantly, my wise mind and body will be proud. 

Thank you for reading!