The Devil's Playground

This week, I was dropped down from full days to half days in therapy.  So now, instead of 6 hours of therapy everyday, I have 3 hrs.  With this, I have a lot of time on my hands...A LOT of time.  Too much time if you ask me.   And with all of this time..comes idle hands and with idle hands comes.. you guessed it...an idle mind.  Welcome to the Devil's playground!


"It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man," ~Benjamin Franklin

It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man.

Benjamin Franklin

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/idle.html#vmF8ocmbb5Mk2VHO.99

With the change in the program, I am forced to face reality.  I'm forced to face the fact that I'm losing the support system I have had for the last 3 months and it's scary.  In a few short weeks, I'll be left alone.  It will be me against this great big world.  My safe haven will no longer be around and it will be up to me to find a safe place...to find safe people that will help me blossom and not destroy me. It's up to me to stand on my own two feet.  It's up to me to not self sabotage.

And I'm feeling it..I'm feeling myself self-sabotage..and it's only been a week since I was moved down.  I see myself self sabotaging in many ways. Lately, my SI's have been banging on my door.  I think some, if not all of it, has to do with the changes that have occurred as well as not having a job lined up to help preoccupy my mind. And I think some of it has to do with the fact that the jobs I am applying for are the same jobs I applied to when I was 16 years old.  Here I am, a college graduate, who has worked for 19 years of her life...competing with 16 year olds for a job.  The judgmental thought of I'm a loser has come into my mind.  Actually, the whole Radiohead song "I'm a creep" is playing over in my head.  Although I'm attempting to be productive by finding a job, exercising and doing art, there is still idleness...and as you can see..there is misery. Luckily, the SI's are not as bad as they were earlier this year, but they are there and they are starting to seep in.  And when you're at the point where SI's are seeping in..you know negativity is already in.


I know during this idle period, I'm to work on skills and practice them.  I am to eat healthy and balanced meals 3 times a day.  I'm to avoid over sleeping and practice doing opposite to emotion action.  However, this all requires self care and my negative mind does not like the sound of that.  So..to avoid self care, I've come to the point where I feel as though I'm starting to revert back to my distorted thinking mode. I'm starting to self sabotage. I'm looking for anything to distract me from actually spending the time to further heal myself. I'm looking for something/someone to cling onto and it's a scary place to be.  I've been in this position far too many times to know the outcome.  I feel myself start to go into desperate mode  to help save the world.  I get like this because I need to distract...otherwise I have to focus on me and I'm too flawed to want to do it. 

As I'm observing my mind and my actions, I realize how easily I try to push people away and I'm becoming aware as to why I do it.  I do it because I realize, in a sick way, it is satisfying when I do it.  It validates my belief that i am unlovable when I push people away.  It feeds into my negative mind.  It feeds into me isolating to further feed the negative mind.


To avoid eating dinner, I went for a run.  I don't listen to any music because I get too wrapped up in the songs.  Lately, I've been avoiding the radio because songs are starting to trigger me.  It just seems like every song out there is about drinking, pretty girls shaking their asses (doesn't help with my body image issues)...people breaking up...people being trouble...all things that are triggering.  So while running, the most triggering of all songs... Breathe by Sia popped into my head. 

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me.

Although a part of me was hoping I could be like Forrest Gump and continue running, my wise mind took over.   STOP it shouted at me.  I then realized it wasn't at all possible for me to be like Forrest Gump.  1.5 miles of running was enough because I know I had to run 1.5 miles back and I felt as though I was already going to pass out.  While running back, I noticed the wind pick up and the clouds were darkening.  I wanted it to rain so bad. There is nothing like exercising in a storm.  It gives me adrenaline and makes me want to shout Fuck You! I'm stronger than this..I will prevail. because I know the storm will pass and no storm outside will hold me back. (unless of course it's a tornado, tsunami, hurricane, lightning storm..etc...then that's a different story.)  It's interesting, however, how the tables turn when I'm experiencing my mental storm (now this is when the tornadoes etc come into play)..it's the storm in my mind that yells to me "Fuck you. You are too weak".  So it was during this time that I decided I'm going to beat this storm in my head as well.  So..Fuck you.. I'm stronger than you negative mind...I will prevail.

When I came home from my run..I ate a piece of steak, a bit of a potato, some mushrooms and broccoli...take that negative mind! Lesley, my dietician, would be proud. But most importantly, my wise mind and body will be proud. 

Thank you for reading!