This post is the 3rd part of 4 series relating to what I'm learning in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and the behavior patterns to decrease. If you have not done so already, please take a look at the following posts: Taming the wild horse and Riding the emotional rollercoaster to get a better understanding of what is being discussed.
Last week in therapy we discussed Interpersonal Chaos and the skills used to help decrease this behavior. When dealing with interpersonal chaos, a majority of people deal with lack of self respect and/or have difficulty articulating/asserting their wants and needs. There can also be difficulty with accepting other people's wants and needs/overstepping boundaries. Impulsivity, labile emotions, and confusion of self play a huge role in causing stormy relationships. Just as there are skills to help decrease the behaviors of impulsivity, labile emotions, and confusion of self, there are skills used to help with interpersonal chaos. These skills require practice, practice, practice to master, master, master.
Before embarking on any external relationship building, it is crucial to build the most important relationship of all: the relationship you have with... yourself. I think the number one rule/commandment that would be of great benefit to the human race is: having self-respect; Love yourself and have compassion for yourself. Once this skill is learned, love and compassion can be spread upon others.
Self respect, like any kind of respect is not handed to you, it is something you earn through hard work. It's about searching deep within your soul and figuring out exactly what YOUR values and what YOUR core beliefs are. There is no plagiarism here. This is not about what the church thinks your values and beliefs should be; it's not what others think your values and beliefs should be...It's about what YOU think your values and beliefs are. It's about sitting down and looking into your OWN soul...knowing who YOU are and not what others think of you/what you should be doing or who you should be.
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| Art therapy artwork "Compassion to the inner child" |
Once you have sat down and have truly done the work can you then figure out your likes and dislikes as well as your wants and needs. Make sure to write these all down so you have something to go back to when you are feeling confusion about yourself.
The following is a skill to use for keeping self respect. The acronym is FAST.
Fair-
- Be fair to yourself.
- Do not be overly apologetic. Do not apologize for being alive/for existing or for making a request. Do not apologize for having an opinion or for disagreeing. (Oh yes..I've done these numerous times).
- Stick to your own values. Don't invalidate yourself. Be clear of what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting.
- Be honest...don't lie, act helpless when you are not, exaggerate or make up excuses.
When gaining self respect, it's important to also be aware of others. After all, the world does not revolve around you (although some of use would like it to be so...it's a distorted thought (damn)). This leads us to the GIVE skill. This skill is used when wanting to keep a HEALTHY relationship. If a relationship is unhealthy, it is hopeless. This means that it's hurting you rather than helping you be a stronger/better person and it is best to end it. (Using the DEAR MAN (mentioned further down) can help with how to approach that).
Gentle-
- When dealing with relationships, especially when it comes to conflicts: be gentle and temperament in your approach. Do not attack- verbally or physically, make threats, and don't judge "If you were a good person..you would." Do not use "should/shouldn't" statements either...they are invalidating.
Interested-
- Act interested. Listen and be interested in the other person. Really focus on the other person's point of view, opinion, or reason for saying no. Don't interrupt or talk over. Be sensitive to the person's desire to have the discussion at a later time.
Validate-
- or acknowledge the other person's feelings, wants, difficulties,etc. "So what you are saying is..." "I can understand how you feel, however,"
Easy Manner-
- Use a little humor. Smile. Ease the person along.
Relationship Thinking is another skill to use simultaneously with this skill. Relationship thinking is to help remind us that there are multiple perspective and viewpoints- aka shades of gray. Remind yourself that there is truth in each person's perspective even when the viewpoints are in conflict.
This skill also helps to remind ourselves to be compassionate towards others' opinions even when they annoy us. It's about realizing others care about you, but can be very frustrated with you and it's okay...they are allowed. Appreciate and understand that other people will have their opinions. Healthy relationships aren't about being "with you or against you" or having to be right all of the time (Black and White thinking...tsk..tsk). It's knowing that others care about you,while accepting the fact that sometimes they will do/say things you disagree with. (Now if what they do/say is abusive...then of course other actions are needed). Overall, this skill is about holding things in balance, tolerating frustrations, and being collaborative in relationships.
Having self respect and good relationship skills (as mentioned above) can make it easier to execute the DEAR MAN skill (explained below). However, if you lack self respect and good relationship skills, the DEAR MAN skill can help you learn to gain it. Like everything, it just takes practice, practice, practice.
The DEAR MAN is a skill to help you be assertive and to help get an objective across.
Describe
- Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.
- Express your feelings. Use phrases such as "I feel"..."I want" or "I don't want," instead of "I need," "You should(n't)" or "I can't"
- Assert yourself by asking for what you want or for saying no
Reinforce-
- Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need as well as the negative effects of not getting what you want. (Do not be melodramatic..be honest).
- With this skill, it was stated to help the person feel good ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want. However, in my opinion, it sounds as though it's bribing the person and I think that's awful.
Mindful-
- Stay mindful- Focus on your objectives; don't be distracted. Keep asking/saying no...to a healthy point; after all they have boundaries and limits as well. It's best to ask them if they understand what you are saying sooner. If the person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, refocus them back to the point you were getting at (unless of course they are extremely abusive..then run the fuck away).
- Use confident voice tone and physical manner. It's all about the fake it till you make it attitude.
- If you're objective is not getting met- ask for an alternate solutions "What would you do if you or someone you love were in my situation?...What is it that you need and how can we figure this out together?"
Overall, when using these skills, it's important to remind yourself/tell yourself the following:
Be ASSERTIVE!
It's okay to want or need something from someone else
I have a choice to ask someone for what I want or need
I can stand it if I don't get what i want or need
The fact that someone says no to my request doesn't mean I should not have asked in the first place.
If I didn't get my objectives met that doesn't mean I didn't go about it in a skillful way, it just means that I wasn't able to get them met at that time.
Standing up for myself over "small" things can be just as important as "big" things are to others
I can insist on my rights and still be a good person
I have a right to assert myself, even though it may inconvenience others.
I can understand and validate another person, and still ask for what I want
There is no law that says other people's opinions are more valid than mine.
I may want to please people I care about, but that doesn't mean I have to please them all of the time
Giving, giving, giving is not the be all of life I am an important person in the world too and it is okay to receive.
If I refuse to do a favor for people that doesn't mean I don't like them or I am a bad person.
I am under no obligation to say yes to people simply because they ask a favor of me
The fact that I say no to someone does not make me a selfish person
If I say no to people and they get angry, that doesn't mean that I should have said yes. That is their emotion to deal with.
I can still feel good about myself, even though someone else is annoyed by me.
Ways to practice improving interpersonal/self respect skills are the following:
Ask for help (Go to a library and ask the librarian for assistance with a book)
Take old books to a used book store and find out what they are worth and leave after you have the information (Don't feel pressured to give into selling them right then and there).
Ask for $1.00 in change without buying anything
Make a complaint
Call and make an appointment. Call back later and cancel the appointment
Ask for a favor
Disagree with someone's opinion
Ask a person making too much noise to be a bit quieter
Ask a person to stop doing something that bothers you
Ask someone who is going overtime to end because session is up
Be..e.. ASSERTIVE. A. S. S. E. R. T. I. V. E!
Now if we can only get this to be taught in schools or have it be the #1 job requirement, the world would sure be a better place.
Thank you for reading! I hope this helps. Please share to others.
The information presented is based from Marsha Linehan's work.
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