In my last post (Words of advice...), I stated that I'd present my vision board and answer the questions I posed: Have you sat down and thought about what you really want...have you thought about where you'd like to live, what you'd like to do?
To sit down and to really think about what I want is really hard. For as long as I can remember, I feel as though I wanted 1) whatever anybody else wanted or 2) wanted unrealistic things (such wanting to be another person other than myself). When someone would ask me "What do you want to do?" My response would be "Whatever you want to do?" "Where do you want to eat?"..."Where ever you want to eat?" "Can I walk all over you?"..."Whatever you want to do." I could never answer these questions with "I want to do this".."I don't want to do that" or with simple words like "yes" or "no."
When looking up people pleaser in the dictionary..my face would appear. Okay..maybe not in the dictionary you looked it up in, but it's definitely in mine. For as long as I can remember, I wanted others to be happy, I wanted others to be comfortable, but most importantly, I wanted others to like me. And the only way I could have others be happy, comfortable, and like me is by allowing them to do whatever they wanted, while putting myself on the back burner.
With this type of thinking and behavior pattern, it's no wonder why I've lost myself. However, I don't even know how accurate that statement is because I feel as though I never really had a sense of self to begin with...so how can I lose something I never had? In any case, all I know now is that I want a sense of self and I no longer want to people please. I want to know who I am, what I really want to do, where I want to live etc.
I remember years ago watching "The Secret" and learning about vision boards. Vision boards are display of images that represent what you want to have in your life.
So...last week in arts and crafts I decided to create a vision board of where I want to see myself in the future. One of the therapists printed out a few pages with sayings on them that were DBT related. I chose the "Find a path to a life worth living" picture and created the following:
The outdoors is a big theme I have going on in my vision board. The collage includes a picture of a hammock tied to a palm tree, cliffs, zen gardens, an outside patio with a canoe, a Japanese willow tree, bike trails, massage tables, shacks (my dream home) and irises. I love mother nature and whatever I do, I want to be outside enjoying her. I want to live the simple life, the organic life, away from the hustle and bustle of everyday living. I want to be away from materialism, superficiality, competition and the whole dog-eat-dog world. I want to enjoy the sense of freedom that mother nature has to offer. From the looks of it, it appears as though I prefer something near the beach. I wouldn't mind mountains either. As long as there is water to go kayaking in and it's warm, it's all good with me. One thing I know I definitely need...is warmth...heat....sun...mother nature!
I put pictures of massage tables because for the longest time I've wanted to become a massage therapist. However due to a comment an old man at a Catholic Church fundraiser said to me (see Spiritual Brokeness), but mainly due to fiances, I haven't become one.
Which leads me to another picture I added to the collage: Money.
I included money on my vision board because for all of my life I never had it. The older I have gotten, the more afraid I have become of having money. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. My parents weren't/aren't well off and I started buying my own clothes and shoes when I started working at age 12. Growing up in an affluent town with no money jaded me as I got older. While parents would pay for birthday presents for their kid's friend, I was left to buy my own...and I wasn't cheap either. I look back at my 13 year old self and shake my head...why did I put $20 in those birthday cards? I was generous...a poor man's problem. Now, sadly, friends would be lucky to receive even a card from me.
As I said, I've become very jaded. While parents were buying their children brand new BMW's for their 17th birthday (sometimes 16 depending on who you ask) I was buying my own Piece Of Shit (POS) car that broke down multiple times. When I went to college, one of the main reasons why I left the graphic design program was because I couldn't afford the supplies needed for the art classes. A majority of my peers had their own macs while I was left to go to the lab that was only open for certain hours (of course never the hours I needed it to be open like on weekends). I became angry and more jaded. I saw people becoming successful all around me, while I became poorer and poorer. I didn't understand it. I started saving money when I first started receiving it and here I am poorer than I was at 5 years old.
So...I put money on the board because I want to learn to have compassion for money, embrace having money, and not resent it/ look at it as some form of evil like I've been doing for for so long. I despise the saying "Money is Evil." Money isn't evil, it's what people do with it that makes it evil...so really it's the actions that people do, not the money.
So yes...financial freedom, independence, stability...whatever you call it. I need it and I don't think I'm alone in saying that.
The other words I have placed on my vision board besides the "Find a path to a life worth living" are yin and yang, new, I only want to be perfectly me, picture of health, connect, growth, learn, feel, find new roads, guru, surround yourself with what you love, the organic life, and mother earth. I want all of these words. I want balance, peace, growth; I'd like to be my own guru. I want and need to be perfectly me, which all in all is a picture of health. I want to have the organic life and live in a place that connects me to mother earth; that takes me down new roads. I want to surround myself with everything I love.
So to answer the questions "Have you sat down and thought about what you really want...have you thought about where you'd like to live, what you'd like to do?" The answer is yes!
Now comes the harder question: How do I make it all happen?
If you have any suggestions- please comment below- I'm definitely open to them!! (If you know of any jobs that promote this type of lifestyle..please let me know!)
Thank you for reading!
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