So...this is my attempt to try to move on from it all. With this post, I decided to write a letter to my past self..specifically my 17-25 year old self. I decided to write about the disappointment I have from the decisions made back then. I hope for what it's worth that this will allow me to get some of this heavy weight off of my shoulders. I can no longer live with the pain from the past.
This is a painting I did in art therapy today. The tornado represents my past. The hopes is for the tornado to change course and not destroy the future.
The artwork below is a sculpture I made to represent the pain from the past and how it has affected my heart. There are stab wounds caused by others around the heart, but the biggest wound of all is in the gouged center...and this represents the amount of abuse and self harm/pain I do to myself.
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| Pain from the past sculpture. |
Dear Aoife from the past.
If I could be in your shoes all over again, I would have done EVERYTHING differently. Currently, I'm trying to accept the fact that I can't change the past and the choices you made..so I'm writing this letter in hopes of coming to terms with it all. Please be aware that what I'm about to tell you may seem hurtful...but I'd rather you know the truth of where your life headed than sugar coat it and make it some sort of fairytale. You believed in fairytales so much in the past- it is my duty to tell you to stop believing them. You know the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side?" Well that was a lie....the grass is only greener where you water it.
If I were in your shoes, I'd let go of the idea of ever wanting to be famous. I would have let go of the idea of ever wanting to be in Riverdance, of owning your own dancing school...of finding someone you would love forever...of moving far away...of finding a job you'd enjoy... of working hard to get into college...of getting into college...of being successful...of finding peace, happiness and joy. Whatever dream you had back then was, I'm sorry to say.. but it was wasteful and unrealistic. And the reason why is because: You never did become famous, you never did get into riverdance, you never did own your own dancing school, you never did find someone you'd love forever, you did move far away, but had to move back right back to the place you swore you never wanted to come back to, you never found a job you enjoyed...you worked hard to go to a school that sucked your soul right out of you ...you haven't found success and you still to this day have difficulty finding peace, happiness, and joy..(.even when medicated- it's difficult). Your dreams were too unrealistic, too high..too... innocent. Everything you thought was right..turned out to be wrong. You thought you knew it all back then, but you knew nothing at all. You were lost and confused and I understand what you were going through because 13 years later- you still remain the same. Only difference is, you had passion, you had drive, you had motivation...you had hope. Unfortunately, you grew into someone jaded, unhealthy, unmotivated and practically helpless and hopeless. Maybe you wouldn't have given up so easily and I'm sorry to disappoint you..but I have.
At the age of 31-you will be looking for the same type of jobs you were doing when you were 12, 16, 24 years old..from babysitting to being a waitress to doing medical assisting. You wasted 5 years of your life in an institution that did not care about the person you were...they only cared about the money you gave them to build some fancy new buildings. You wasted money going to a 13 grand medical assisting school where you had to play teacher 80% of the time b/c the teachers you had were incompetent. Worst part about all of this was that you could have gone to some other place for $500. And that's painful to know the wasted time, blood, sweat, tears and money you put into all of that. For what in return? Nothing but pieces of paper you wish you could burn. A lot of people will say "Well at least you have a degree..." ....but, maybe I'm ignorant...I just don't see that as a positive. What did your degree do for you when you became a Medical Assistant?? I didn't see any pay raises. What did your degree do for you when you were laid off..and the only medical assistant with a degree?...you had a higher degree than the nurses you worked with and had more knowledge than they did...but none of that matters. The truth is your degree did not do much for you and still to this day has not done much. You would have gotten a lot farther in life had you gone an alternate route and got certificates. But, what's done is done.
Although at the time you were unaware of the affects these choices had on you..I'm here to let you know that the choices you made has caused a lot of pain and suffering. You my dear friend, were mislead and I'm so sorry you were. I would do anything to console you and tell you it would be okay, I'd do anything to be the mentor you were looking for...but unfortunately...I have to learn to be my own mentor now. The choices of the past you made have affected my present today and it's so hard to make present decisions in fear of reliving the past all over again. I'm scared.
In any case, another year has come and gone...another year older...with no bragging rights...only shameful rights. But it's not your fault. You didn't know. Life isn't really all cracked up to what's it "supposed" to be. One thing I can applaud you for is not having a child..not exposing an innocent spirit to a world of greed.
You did the best with the knowledge you had at the time, which wasn't really much...but you tried. What I hope to do here on out is to maybe mentor children and young adults. It's just a totally different world now than when it was for you growing up so I'm not sure how much your experiences will benefit others. My hope is that others don't fall into the same trap as you did...by going to college. For you only gain knowledge of what debt is and what it's like to make someone else's wallet fatter. Say NO to institutions. They steal your soul.
Just remember, you did the best you did. I understand that it was hard for you to follow your gut feeling due to many insecurities. I learned from you to follow that gut feeling here on out. I have to give you a lot of credit for being the greatest teacher of all. You're teaching skills however, have gotten way out of control.
Now...please, let go. It's time to say goodbye. I lay you down to rest in peace.
Thank you for this. I'm also in the process of letting go of my youth. I was crying as I read this because I'm feeling the same things. Thank you.
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