First World Problem

I know I've written a blog in the past about loneliness, but here I am, again, to write another one.  These past few days have plagued me with this intense emotional feeling.  It's got me to the point where I am questioning if I need med adjustments. A part of me thinks that this is just something I have to ride out because I know there are no meds to cure loneliness..but how much more suffering can I put myself through?  This feeling is deadly.   A part of me just wants to hit the bottle, but my wise mind knows that doing so solves nothing...it only temporarily relieves the suffering.  This feeling is still going to be there when I sober up, so it's not even worth it.  It's not worth the extra pain of a hangover...that's just causing more suffering.

 If only there was a magic pill to cure loneliness. 

 Loneliness is, unfortunately, a first world's major problem and sadly, it is the greatest poverty of all.   As Mother Teresa stated in an interview with a reporter: "Everywhere I go people tell me of their hardships and struggles, and ask for help, and I give what I can. But of all the countries I have been to, the poorest one I have been to is America...America suffers most from the poverty of loneliness.”

This quote is so disturbing, yet so true. 

It's hard to feel a sense of community in today's world.  I feel as though the communities that are out there are way too superficial to begin with.  Religions, spiritual centers..they make me feel more lonely when I'm involved with them.  Everybody appears so happy..but is it all a front? After all, we can't always be happy...it's not humanly possible, right?!  I just look around and I see such dedicated people in these types of organizations.

I've heard before that happiness is a choice and there was a time I lived by that mantra.  It's just hard to think happy when stuck in quicksand.  It's easier to think fear...but I think that's a whole other blog I'd have to write about.

 Social media makes me feel even more lonely.  I find it so hard to be happy for people whose lives are moving forward, while mine seems to be stuck on slow motion rewind.  I also just find it hard to reach out to people in time of despair.  Not many people want to hear about your suffering.  I can't blame them, but I can't put on a mask much longer, which is one of the reasons why I deactivated my Facebook account today.    Another reason is due to the fact that I was experiencing more loneliness being on there.  I felt as though I was being desperate...desperate for attention by posting nonsense stuff...desperate to not feel so alone.  A part of me wanted to express my loneliness, but it's just weird expressing all of that on Facebook.  Expressing myself on here is a different story..because only like 5 people (if that) read this blog.  And..on here, people can relate..which is probably why you guys read it.

 I'm having a hard time reaching out to people because I don't want them to worry.  I don't want them knowing that I'm falling.  I don't want them knowing that my SI's are back :(.  A lot of this is my stupid ego getting in the way.  I just don't think there is anything anybody can do to help me get rid of this feeling.  If someone could hug me for 20 seconds..maybe that would do the trick..but I need a lot of hugs.  Maybe I just need a dog.  I'd hug myself...but there are only so many times you can hug yourself before it gets old.  I guess I need to put more love into it. Its hard to put love into something you can't stand! Obviously, I need a lot more lessons on compassion.

So, the following are quotes I found while looking up "quotes about loneliness." So, I listed a few below along with some comments.

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." ~Brendan Francis.
I like this one. It's so true.  I really only feel lonely because I feel lost. 

I didn't really like Sharon Salzberg's quote (I have no idea who she is...I just found this quote on BrainyQuote.com) - "If you go deeper and deeper into your own heart, you'll be living in a world with less fear, isolation and loneliness."  Okay...I just looked her up on Google and apparently she is a meditation teacher and author.  That's why I don't agree with it...Oh these spiritual people!  I don't know..I feel like I've been going deeper and deeper into my heart...and I'm feeling more and more lonely.  Obviously, I must not be doing it right if Sharon is stating otherwise.   I just feel as though going deeper and deeper is like pulling the layers apart from my heart to see the core.  My core is pain, suffering, loneliness.  I wish I could take some clay and mold a new heart and insert it into my chest.  I feel like the heart I have right now is too damaged.  I feel like it's road kill. 


Next quote I found:   "If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry"- Anton Chekhov.   This one is so true! It's awful being in a relationship and feeling lonely. 


According to Paul Tillich- "Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone." I can't wait for the day I experience solitude.

I want whatever Henry Rollins was smoking: "Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better." 

I'll end with this quote by Dag Hammarskjold- "Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."

Maybe that's what I need to do more of.  Pray.  It just feels weird for me to pray. I feel like a hypocrite when I pray, especially for myself.  I can easily put good thoughts in the universe for others..but not with myself.

And..then I wonder why I'm lonely.  

Thanks for reading!

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.

Henry Rollins

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/loneliness.html#6f977fPlStijrjUh.99