Powerless

They say knowledge is power...which makes me powerless because I feel as though I don't have much knowledge.   I wasn't born with a brilliant mind or beautiful mind for that matter. 

One piece of knowledge I do have is:

You can't help others who are unwilling to help themselves.

My brother has a learning disability.  From what I've been told he has motor and perception problems, but I truly believe he has more than that. I believe he may have some form of autism, however, I don't think we'll ever know for sure because he refuses to get help.  

It's difficult living with someone with a learning disability who refuses to seek help for themselves or accept help when it is offered.  You can't force them.  You have to learn to accept and put up with the abuse thrown at you...the temper tantrums, the name bashing, the anger, etc.  Worse...you have to learn to accept the suffering they put themselves through.

I don't know how my parents do it.  Well, okay maybe I do; it's because they love him unconditionally.  I'm struggling though..but it may be due to the fact that I'm not emotionally stable as of just yet to accept it.  Despite what appears to be a demon that possesses my brother's soul, there are glimpses of lightness.  There are times my brother is filled with love and it's nice to see the child like behavior he has when he's in a good mood. It's just sometimes a rare occurrence you see so you take it all in when you get the opportunity to do so.

I feel as though my parents are stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to my brother.  They are helpless as well.  After all- he is an adult.  But..he is an adult who refuses to have adult conversations.  When asked how he is doing? "Fine."  What did you do today, "Nothing." Where are you going? "Nowhere."   Anytime you try to engage in any sort of conversation, you are left with "leave me alone," or "I'm busy."

I hate the feeling of helplessness I get from not being able to help him...or not even being able to connect with him.  I find it so difficult to see someone suffer. I also find it difficult to see someone's pride get in the way of them seeking help.  He just doesn't want help. What do you do when you know someone needs help, but doesn't want it?

I know the answer and it's a painful truth.  It's painful to know that you can't do anything; that you  have to watch the person suffer and hit rock bottom. But what if they never hit rock bottom? Or what happens if they've been at rock bottom since birth?

When I worked with my disabled women, someone who knew about my brother asked me if my parents have a plan for my brother when they pass.  "How dare she," I thought. My parents are never going to die. Okay, distorted thought.  I thought it was such a rude question to ask, but really it wasn't, it was just a rude awakening.  I don't think my parents have put any thought into it.  I think my parents may have the same distorted thoughts as I do.


Last night my brother was fired from his job as a janitor at the school he has been working at for a few years. They had a write up of all of his faults and he signed it. "You shouldn't have signed it," I heard my mother say.  I had to lash out at my mom for saying that. "Don't say to someone you should, you shouldn't...what's done is done and saying something like that does nothing but put shame on the person.  He doesn't need that."

My heart breaks for my brother.  It has been breaking for him since I was young. I remember feeling sorry for my brother at a young age (maybe 9 or 10) because I realized that he would never get the chance to experience having a girlfriend, get married or have children.  I remember him being called "retarded" in school daily.  I felt as though I was being stabbed every time I heard him being called it. "That's my brother...don't call him that," I would say as I'd feel my blood boil.  "You're retarded too" would be the response I'd get.  While most children probably would have beat the shit out of the kids, I knew had I done that, I would have gotten the shit beaten out of me by my parents.  And my brother may have been disciplined in such a manner as well.  Looking back however, I'm left shaming myself- I should have beat the shit out of the kids.  Instead,  I was told to "just ignore them."  Jesus turned the other cheek. Well fuck that shit..I'm not Jesus.   And guess what? It's hard to ignore something that hurts.

How can kids be so cruel?


Despite what my brother struggles with, I know he is a hard worker.  I can only imagine how hard it is for him to feel a sense of belonging in this cruel world. I have a tremendously hard time with it.  People are so inconsiderate and lack compassion. (Okay..distorted thought....A majority of people..) I want the best for my brother.  I want to be able to waltz into his boss' room and give him a piece of my mind after first beating the shit out of him.   How dare they fire someone with a disability who is doing their best to get by in this cruel world? How dare they lack compassion?  How could they???
I am just filled with rage, with pain, with hurt..feelings I'm sure my brother is experiencing as well. The only difference is he is courageous enough to go back to work today.  He has until the end of June.

I told my brother to mention to them "I have to speak with my lawyer." Although I've never used that phrase, I have heard it can be used as a good threat.  But knowing my brother, knowing my family, we wouldn't say such things.  I don't know if it's because we are pushovers or what, but it just seems as though that we don't seek justice.  It musn't be in our nature...for I can sure think of at least 5 times I could have sued somebody and have made A LOT of money by now. But I haven't...my family hasn't.   Now that's the harsh reality to accept.  We are powerless.

My brother (right) and I

If anybody has any advice. Please leave a comment.

Thank you for reading!