Somewhere along this journey, there came a point where I just gave up. I can't really pinpoint when exactly this happened. I know during my senior year, I had my first breakdown..so it could have been around then. Or maybe it goes back even further...maybe it goes back to when I left the birth canal. I guess it really doesn't matter when exactly it was, after all, it is all in the past. The past shouldn't matter. All that is truly known is that there came a time when I threw up my hands and the older I get, the easier it's become to continue to throw my hands up. Now, the window of time that I throw them up is decreasing. I gave up on dancing, doing graphic design, nursing, marriage, love...I'm considering giving up on this blog...for Christ sakes...I've attempted suicide...I was and, at times, I still am ready to give up on life. Although, I'm ready to check out..it seems as though my soul isn't just yet. Why can't my soul just throw its hands in the air?
It's so difficult for me to find some silver lining through all of this. I find myself taking a few steps forward only to go 9 steps backwards. I just have given up on dreams. It seems as though any time I dream, someone else is living my fucking dream. For instance, a few years back, I dreamed of doing the Rose of Tralee. I wanted so bad to be a model, be in pageants. So here I was, 23 years old and attempting to run for the Rose of New Jersey. But due to the inability to raise the $300 dollars and my mother's lack of support, I dropped out of it. My mom was right not to support me...maybe in a way she wanted to protect me from doing what I do so well... failing. Earlier this year, my sister ran for it. Although I'm very proud of her for stepping out of her shell to do this, I just don't get why it couldn't be me to step up on a stage. I guess it just wasn't in my cards. It just seems as though none of my dreams are in my cards. Maybe I just have the wrong cards in my hand.
For quite some time now, I find myself getting jealous over those that have dreams, goals, and a life. I get jealous of 17 year olds who have their whole lives ahead of them. It just seems as though for so many people, they have drive, they have passion. It's as if they've known what they've wanted to do/accomplish for so long. Things just fall into place so naturally for them. I'm jealous of people with families. I just feel as though I've given up on the idea of ever wanting a family. I would hate to have a mini me running around. Knowing me..I'd probably give up on them too. What kind of mother would I be? Definitely not a good one. I"m jealous of people who have a higher power, have a strong love for God, for Jesus, for Buddha...for whoever. I don't even know how to love...I"m not even sure what love really is.
I don't like to look at this as the fact I'm lazy..I don't think I ever was. I just feel as though I had to work harder than those around me just to be at the same level. It gets tiring when someone can do a job easily, while I struggle to do that same job. That's all this seems to be for me is a struggle.
I can't even read. It takes me like a year to finish a book. After reading one page, I have to go back and figure out what the fuck I just read. I can't process things.
I sit here picking up pieces, but isn't it easier just to throw away things that are broken and buy new? Isn't that the subliminal message we, as Americans, are getting? Am I the only one who feels this way?
I remember being younger and finding it so sad seeing people give up. I'd look at people who became overweight and wonder why/how they got to that place. Well, I think I have a good idea now.
I apologize...I've given up on the Beautiful You diary entries. Surprise..surprise. I guess it was too big of a task to handle...or maybe I'm lazy.
Thank you for reading.
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