On Thursday, my individual therapist lent me her book called Beautiful You: a daily guide to Radical Self-Acceptance. "I thought about you and thought this would be great to help give you ideas when writing your blog" she stated.
I always feel honored when someone tells me they were thinking of me. It always (not a distorted thought) brings tears to my eyes anytime I hear it. I guess to me, it's just so touching...it's a reminder that out there somebody does care about me. It's hard to tell, however, if they are tears of joy or sadness... I think it's both. It's all dialectic.
Maybe subconsciously all of this has something to do with being a middle child and all that goes along with the "middle child syndrome." I dislike that term, but from my experience as a middle child, I have felt forgotten about and I have felt alone as well as lonely. I understand some people may say that everyone feels this way at some point, but what I mean is that I would feel it to the extreme. So, when someone says they were thinking of me...it's just really comforting.
At first, however, when people told me they would think of me, my reaction/thought would be..."what a waste of a thought." Now that I'm slowly working on increasing my self esteem/self worth, I have gotten the courage to say "thank you" and that brings tears to my eyes because I've come a long way.
I stated earlier that when I cry the tears are sometimes sad tears. I cry because it upsets me to know that I never felt worthy to be on someone else's mind. I actually not only thought that...but worst, believed it to be true..that I was worthless. That's where the sadness part comes into play. The joy comes into play when I feel the sincerity of the words.
So, tonight I decided to open the book and get an idea of what it's about. To give you an idea...it's about going on a journey that encourages you to develop a clearer sense of yourself. In it, there are 365 chapters that offer the tools and resources to help you "understand and overcome any dissatisfaction you have with yourself and magnify your brilliance." Some of the chapters involve writing journal entries, while others involve reflections. My goal is to attempt to do all 365 of the chapters and blog about it. I can't promise that I will be able to do this daily, however, I will attempt to do my best and that's the best I can do. So...if I fall off the wagon, please don't be disappointed in me. I'll just have to get right back on. I hope you enjoy this journey with me. I hope you have enjoyed it thus far! Here, here to finding myself!
Before I begin with the chapter I chose, I just wanted to add words from the author that touched me. I hope you can take away something from it as well.
"There is no quick fix to improving your self-concept/improving sense of self...Every day, you can find a story of someone who medicated herself with plastic surgery, weight loss programs, or new relationships in order to find happiness, only to find that she's not that happy with the very thing that she thought would cure her....However you feel about yourself, those feelings were not created in just one day--and addressing how you feel about yourself will also take more than a day, and more than several. Changing self image takes time, attention, discipline, and desire...Too often, we believe we will finally be content when our body changes in some way. Actually, we'll be content only when our mind changes, when we give ourselves permission and the tools to be content. The key to feeling better isn't looking better. It is feeling better about our lives and better understanding what our bodies really are- vehicles in which we can experience life. Our bodies are not life itself; they are objects of motion, not admiration. If we stop the world's racket and engage deliberately in our lives, we change ourselves. Beautiful You provides the tools-vision, passion, purpose, resilience, productivity--for every woman who wants to see beauty in a way that is true to who she is and not in the way the world hands it to her" (Rosie Molinary)
I'm glad that there are no "rules" that go along with this book. Although it counts up from day 1 to 365, she encourages you to use it the way it makes most sense to you.
So, when I first opened up the book..I stopped at chapter 146 (day 146): Finish the Sentence. I saw what was written...didn't like it and looked for another chapter only to pick it again...so I guess that means I have to go with it. So here it is:
"Sometimes we just need a reminder of our beauty and brilliance."
Today: Finish the sentence: I feel beautiful when...
This is a hard one. The first thing that popped into my head was I never feel beautiful. And...that's when my Cognitive Distortion radar went wild. In group therapy, I'm known as the "Cognitive Distortion/Judgement Nazi"( I apologize if that term offends anybody) by the other patients. I'm always calling people out on their distorted thinking and judgements. So of course when I say something distorted or judge...I call myself out..I'm no hypocrite!
So..here I am...reminding myself to let go of the judgements and distorted thoughts.
I feel beautiful... when I laugh. Sometimes when I laugh, I have what I call "the laughing reflex." This is when my head jolts back as I laugh...and yes..sometimes my head will hit the wall. Apparently I also have a contagious laugh, so then other people start laughing, which in turn only makes me laugh more b/c I find their laughs to be contagious. It then turns into one huge laughing fest. And then..it gets awkward because it loses the funniness and all of a sudden it's quiet..but that awkward moment makes me laugh again so it's all just a circus. People who don't like laughter...don't really like me.
I remember a time in 4th grade where we had a laughing contest...oh yeah...guess who won?? As I sat there attempting so hard to make funny faces..Jackie, my classmate, ended up just blowing in my face and I had a laughing fit. I could not stop laughing. I must have laughed for at least 3 minutes straight. Everybody got mad at me and was like "it's not that funny," but I found it to be hilarious..the fact that I put all that effort in...only for little effort to be put towards me.
Another time I remember is when I was up in the mountains last summer. My friend Andy and I could not be in the same room meditating..b/c we'd just burst into laughter. That was the best summer ever. I never laughed so much in my life. We were connected to the hip and just laughed and laughed...over nothing!!! Andy is by far the funniest person I know...I miss you Andy! (I can't believe I don't have a picture of us). This is the best I can do! Meet Andy everybody!!!
Thank you for reading!
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