Happy Re-Birth-Day

So...here I am. 31 years of age..I survived.  It was a hard day- I felt as though I was ran over by a truck, bus, plane, automobile, bicycle, a  reindeer- you name it- I was ran over by it.  I was in pain and exhausted, mentally and physically.  I realized that some of the physical pain/exhaustion may be due to the gym yesterday, but a lot of it had to do with my emotional and mental unstable-ness.    (Please excuse me- I tend to make up a lot of my own words). Overall, I felt like raw meat- skinned alive..My skin laying heavy on the floor soaked in tons of blood. But luckily- no psych ward visit today!

ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) has been going through my mind a lot lately (Pun intended- or at least I think that's the right phrase to say...Again, please excuse me. I'm not an English major, never was.  I scored the same score on verbal section of the GRE as my friend's husband who just learned how to speak English 7 years ago- Yes...I'm that good!)    So besides the point.  I'm really considering having this procedure done.  I always told myself I needed a zap to the brain...and low and behold..the universe is providing.  That's what happens when you put stuff out there.  Hence why it's so important to put good energy out. 

As I met with my psychiatrist today during therapy- I told her I was ready.  She had mentioned ECT briefly in the past, as well as trying different drugs- but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to try different drugs b/c I feel as though I have tried enough. Plus I have a huge fear of the side effects. Ever since having a pulmonary embolism due to birth control (Never smoked, was very active- not the typical candidate for one), I'm weary of all meds.  Plus I've tried so many in the past. The one med she specifically was thinking about having me try was the one that I was put on in the psych ward where I nearly went postal.
  I didn't want to hear about ECT because I wanted to believe that the meds I was on were just fine. Honestly, I just didn't want to believe I had any issues at all. 
 However, yesterday's episode proved me wrong. I had terrible issues.  So, today I told my psychiatrist that I just couldn't live this way anymore.  No drugs work.  Although they may keep me level for the most part, when I get into my depression I get deep! So deep that yesterday in art therapy I drew/painted and wrote the following (We were to make a drawing out of a metaphor) 

All I had is destroyed: It's as if a tornado wrecked havoc on my mind body and soul.  (As you can see in the drawing, I drew a tornado and in case you couldn't tell- it's a heart being destroyed by the tornado)

My heart, It bleeds, It hurts.  As if it was stabbed a million times.  Another metaphor I wrote was :my heart bleeds, blood dropping like raindrops falling from the sky.

So-  my psychiatrist stated that my social worker and her will get in contact with the ECT department and figure out the next steps. In the meantime, instead of going to the Trauma groups, I'll be placed in the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy groups.   This group will be less triggering and working more on the coping skills of dealing with emotional instability, which is just up my ally and has always been since probably about 2 years old. 



Before coming home, I decided to treat myself by walking 3 dogs at the rescue shelter.  They helped a lot with grounding me and giving me love.  While walking them, I did a lot of thinking (surprise, surprise) One of the thoughts that came to my mind was Emotional Instability.  I was contemplating a chicken or an egg scenario.  What comes first= Does emotional instability come first? Does emotional instability cause all the other instabilities in life like financial, etc. Or is it all vice versa.  Before I drove myself into further insanity- I decided that in my case-my low self esteem was brought on by Emotional instability which caused instability in all other areas and left it at that.  Then I got on the topic of gratefulness and questioned if emotional instability caused lack of gratitude.   Poor dogs, no wonder why they look at me so sadly-especially Brooklyn. Han Solo couldn't even look at me due to how pathetic I was. And as far  as Espresso is concerned- he was high on just that- Espresso! !

Brooklyn

Espresso

Han Solo

After my adventure of dog walking, I headed towards home, where I stopped at a park to run a mile.  It of course felt like I was running a marathon because apparently everything feels like a marathon with me.  After this, I made it home where I was surprised with the following:

My mom knows me well. Forget cut flowers- buy a plant that you can enjoy year after year! I do love Tulips. Actually I love all flowers! Who can not love all flowers? Okay...I understand..maybe those who suffer from allergies.  I should refrain from making judgments (distorted thinking-should- mixed with Coping skill- wise mind---yes!!)

I love my mom, my dad, and my family.  I don't say it enough and I don't appreciate them enough.  My hope is that sooner rather than later I learn to be grateful for everything. I want to be grateful for those who truly love me.  It's heartbreaking how I always look for those who don't love me to love me and don't appreciate those that actually do love me.  I question why I do this and I can only come up with the fact that maybe it's because I want to feel some validation from these people. I want to know that  I'm on their mind. I want them to like me....I want them to love me.  Obviously something I need to work on because in reality, I shouldn't give a rat's ass about these people and secondly, they are idiots for not appreciating the person I am and it's their loss- fuckers! (Although I fully don't believe this, I'm attempting to fake until I make it..so as I was saying- fuck you fuckers.). I should add..that I'm currently on a pendulum swing, therefore it is not my time yet to have compassion.  Once this pendulum is done swinging, it will level out where compassion will be shown.  Be on the lookout for a future compassion Blog!!!! Not coming any time soon!!!! jk

Anywho...(I dislike when people say that, but I'm being a hypocrite)  This all leads me to the following:  despite all of the texts and calls I got wishing me a happy birthday, I couldn't help but continue to check my phone and email ALL DAY to see if this one particular person sent me a happy birthday message.  Which of course he didn't.  What was I thinking I ask myself?  Why do I ever get involved in these relationships with these people??  Is it because I feel as though I need to help them/save them? Is it because I'm that pathetic/that desperate for anyone- no matter who it is? I don't know...for whatever reason it is...it needs to stop.  (BTW...I will be writing a blog entry on why dating guys with children is an awful idea and shall call it RUN AWAY...RUN FAR AWAY- RUN FARTHER- NOPE STILL TOO CLOSE- FARTHER! ). In all actuality I think I'll write maybe I'll will also include on why dating a guy in general is an awful idea and call it MOVE BACK TO VENUS FOR YOUR OWN SANITY instead.



No matter what though, I still have a hard time letting people like this go.

I had a great conversation with my friend H.B tonight regarding this matter!  I love her. She is so wise and just amazing!  She stated the following which is so true: Letting go is hard, especially when our life is so unstable on all grounds because there is nothing to hold on to;  nothing to keep you distracted.  Like if I had an amazing job, a great apartment, a good paycheck and a shit load of friends with an amazing family...losing a guy would be like a little thing because I would still have everything else.  But we don't have much of anything else  so what we have we hold onto and it's a great theory they tell us of letting go and all, but this shit just does not happen over night.

She also mentioned how our society is all about loving only when your life is amazing, you are perfect, always happy and never need anything, but that's all bullshit! And she is so right!

So, overall, I survived another day. I'm going to bed with peace.  I feel loved by many and I need to focus on them and not the one rotten apple who failed to think about me.  Normally, I'd make excuses for him as to why he didn't or worst, listen and believe his excuses, but fuck that shit. I'm done making excuses for other people and I'm done hearing their bullshit.  Time for change.  Time to get rid of all the rotten apples- there is no point on holding on to them- they are just going to spoil the others.  I have to use this analogy with my thoughts as well.   Fuck you rotten apple thoughts!!




















 So I declared today as my re-birth-day!

I'm going to come back stronger than ever

Back in the day when I was fit.

and I'm not going to let anybody get in my way...not even a man who needs saving. That's not my job- that's between him and Jesus- or better yet that's between him and his mom!

 


Thank you for reading! :)

Triggers

Today's topic in Trauma Ed group therapy was in regards to Triggers; understanding and coping with them.

This topic came in perfect timing-as tomorrow is my birthday and one of the biggest triggers of all. Each year at this time, I go into a deeper depression.  I don't really understand why.  I guess, as I mentioned in my last post, I hate the idea of living another year.

I was originally hoping this journal entry would be my last. I was going to title it "One less fool to walk the earth" 
I had a SI ( Suicidal Ideation-a plan) that I was so tempted to carry out tonight.  I had it in my head that I'd take my father's blood pressure pills. What stopped me?  My room.  Unfortunately, my room and car are too messy to leave behind.  My parents always taught me to clean up after we go anywhere. Whenever I'd go places or move I always made sure to leave it better than how it was before.  And if I'm going to leave this world, I wanted to make sure I left it organized and clean so my family had less work to do.  After all, who likes to go through somebody's belongings when they have died?  If only I had things organized into boxes ready to go to Salvation Army, things may be different.  So as of right now,  I can't say one less fool to walk the earth, because in actuality, this fool will continue to walk..until this room gets cleaned and organized. And for those who know me- me having a clean and organized room is unheard of. My room, like my life is disheveled and has been so for quite some time. I've never been able to keep my room spotless. It could take me months to clean my room and once it is clean, hours later, it's as if a tornado destroyed it.

 As I came home tonight from my program, my mother knew something was wrong.  I tried avoiding her, but she kept persisting, until finally I broke down and told her I didn't want to live and my plan. When I told her that I hadn't done anything yet because my room wasn't clean . She asked- "Do you think that's what we'd be worried about- you're room not being clean."  My response was "well if it were clean- it wouldn't be a big hassle to clean it." In which she replied "You're father would be destroyed, I'd be devastated, Patrick would be devastated and Bridget as well. Do you not think about that?"  All I could say "Don't you not want to see me suffering anymore? Wouldn't it be a relief for all of you if you knew I no longer suffered"  As I sat there sobbing, she wrapped her arms around me and held me close. It was so nice being next to her warmth.
She sat there holding me as I recounted my 21st birthday. My mom never heard this story until now (She actually hadn't heard a lot of my stories until my psych ward visits where a lot came up).

10 years ago today, I attempted suicide.  It was my 21st birthday.  I went out with 2 of my friends.  I remember feeling sad about that because I'd hear of people renting out spaces to throw their party.  I never had that opportunity.  I never had the money.  This wasn't all that made me sad; it was just my life and the pressure of it all. I had no idea where I was going, what I was doing, or who I was. (Still sounds familiar to this day)
So after a night of drinking, we got in the car and headed back to campus.  I didn't want to go.  I hated college. I hated my major. Overall, I hated my life.  However, I had no choice, but to go.  While in the passenger seat of the car, I told my friends of my wanting to die..my wanting to end it all and my wanting to jump out of the car as it was moving. Moments later after saying that, I unhooked my seatbelt and went to unlock the door and open it. My friend, Kate, was sitting behind me quickly sprung into action, grabbing me as I tried fighting.  Let me just die.  But she wouldn't let go.  Fuck.  I just wanted to die. 

I remember at 17, while most people went to get their license on their birthday, I waited a week. I didn't want to fail on my birthday- I was convinced I would. Talk about low self esteem.

Another birthday I had extreme trouble with was with my 16th birthday. My uncle passed away 6 months prior and I missed him so much.  He was like a second father. He was so kind and generous.  Even though I had a dance competition that day and did well in it (coming home with a crystal and all). I still couldn't be content. Maybe it had something to do with being 16 and not really having a sweet 16 party like all of my "friends", or maybe I realized I didn't really have any friends.   I don't know- whatever it was, all I did know was that I was depressed; I missed my uncle and I didn't want to live.

I remember being 13 and having to beg my mom for a birthday party (I had to beg her for a lot of things. I saw my sister get all of this stuff, but when it came my turn- I had to beg)
So I begged for a birthday party and invited my "so called friends".  While at the party, someone came up with this brilliant idea (Or lack thereof) to prank a girl we went to school with.  This girl happened to be the daughter of the neighbor who told me I was ugly, stupid and wouldn't amount to anything.

Her name was B. and poor B. had to live with this woman.  B. and I were once inseparable, but grew apart after a few years. A lot of this had to do with her wretched mother and some of it had to do with the fact she was constantly threatening to sue anybody and everybody.  Part of it had to do with me not wanting to be associated with her anymore.  I wanted to have friends and if I stayed with B., I wouldn't have any. I was already made fun of and tormented enough, being with her would have caused so much more abuse etc. 

So the person that was elected to call B. was...you guessed it...me.   I remember feeling so uneasy about it. My inner gut screaming at me "Don't do it" Don't be a hypocrite.   You wouldn't want people to do this to you- Don't do it." But peer pressure took over.  I desperately wanted to be liked.  
So I did it. and to this day I regret it.
I called and pretended to be this guy V. from our school. I forget exactly what was said, but whatever it was, it was stupid and I hung up the phone. Little did I know about call waiting; however, after the call one of my "friends" said -oh we should have blocked the caller ID.  So...a  few minutes later the phone rang and it was the devil  (B's mom)  asking to speak with my mom.

Party over.

After this situation- I was told no more parties ever.


From time to time I will be reminded of this birthday. Someone will say "Remember when we called B." Although they still think it was funny, I don't find anything funny about it. I want to force myself to forget it. I hurt somebody. Even though B. and I have spoken throughout the years and even though I've apologized and she has forgiven me, I can't forgive myself.


So coming back to the present, I have no idea what my birthday entails. As of right now, it's surviving another day. Talking and being held tightly and closely by my mom as she cradled me was a huge SI relief.   Originally, she was considering taking me to the hospital/psych ward tonight, but after speaking with her,  being held by her, and my SI diminishing,  we decided to wait until the morning. So, I don't know what tomorrow brings.   I may spend it celebrating it in a psych ward like I did for new year's this year.  I guess it all depends on how tonight goes.

Thank you for reading.


Have a good night.

A year ago.

Just moments ago, I was going through another email address of mine and found that I had started another blog back in 2012 with only 2 journal entries, which I totally had forgotten about. One in August of 2012 and the other one on April 1st 2013, my birthday last year. 

Since my birthday is just a few days away, I decided to copy and past that journal entry below. (My inpatient self can't wait a few days to post it)

"So I turned 30 today. Interesting day.  My friends and family all wished me a happy birthday; the only one not excited for my birthday is me.  Not because I’m turning 30- but instead b/c I’ve lived yet another year. 

I have so much reflecting to do.

Here I sit,

Waiting for someone to come along

Sitting and waiting, sitting and waiting

I sit, I wait

I sit, I wait
I am alone

My insecurities are coming out and I don’t like that

I don’t want to hold onto any more expectations.

I want peace, I want happiness, I want to experience Joy, but to experience all of this, I must experience this war, sadness I'm going through.

My friend Anthony wrote to me today

"You know I’m behind you 100%, no matter what and always wish the very best for you. I know we have a connection and I’ll most def send you positive energy. I’m here whenever you need it." 

He also wrote- "You know I always feel that I’m really hard on myself but it's not necessarily a bad thing because that drives me to succeed. BUT YOU…you’re your own worst enemy. Constantly finding things to work on and improve about yourself.  Aoife- THERE’S NOTHING THAT NEEDS CHANGING! All the emotions/feelings/thoughts that you feel make you the unique human being that you are! Your problem is that you’re trying so damn hard to recreate yourself when it can’t  (and shouldn’t) be done. You’re a great person with a huge heart and I absolutely love you. Seriously, be YOU and stop suppressing your human (sometime vulnerable) self" "

 The end of the journal entry


I just want to add that friends like this are amazing, but having friends like this scares me.  They know me.  They know my flaws.  My flaws scare me.  The fact that my friend Anthony may be right about the fact that I may not be able to recreate myself scares me. It must be done- It has to be done. I want to be the confident woman seen in music videos, on magazines, etc. I want to be beautiful. I want to be confident.   I want to be a woman who is extremely organized.  I want to be anything, ANYTHING ,For the love of God and all that is holy- ANYTHING  other than the person I am. 

Thank you for reading

Seeking the patience pill

I've been home for a few weeks now and finally settling in. I feel torn. For a part of me wants to run off to some other adventure and be free/experience freedom, but another part, (the small bit of sanity in me) knows I need to stay. Truth is- I have to stay- there is no choice of running off. When there is no money in your pockets, your choices of doing things and going places become non existent.   I dislike the quote "Money isn't everything" Obviously whoever wrote this bullshit was made up of just that..bullshit!

 Even if money were present, it would be of my best interest to stay for the sake of my future.  It's easier to deal with present pain for future gain, rather than instant pleasure for future pain. But
I know myself and I know I'm a rebel of logic and a pleasure seeker junkie. If I had the cash in my hand- I'd be on the next flight to Fiji.  So, maybe it's a blessing I don't have the money.  It's time to change the rebel and the pleasure seeker junkie I am.

So here I am, stuck and  alone and yet settling in.  What exactly am I settling into? I sure hope it's not being stuck and alone, (especially back here in NJ at my parents house) but at present moment that's what it feels like.  I can't help but think that I'll be forever stuck and alone.
 You would think by now that I'd be use to these feelings of despair.  But I'm not- I'm not numb to them; I'm scared by them because I fear that this will forever be my life. (Can we say distorted thinking?)  But, despite being aware of my distorted thought pattern, I am still suffering.  I guess that's why this process takes time.  I just have to remind myself that it is okay to feel the suffering in the present moment, just don't dwell too much on it and allow it to affect my future.

 Oh how I wish there were a patience pill.

Right now, a part of me wants to call an ex boyfriend; but really what good is that going to do. It's not good for any of us- because that means I'd be using them to seek out instant pleasure and I'd only be feeling worse after doing so because the pain will still be there and may even be worse.
Another part of me wants to go and chop off all of my hair.
Probably not the healthiest coping mechanisms to use.

I know at present moment that I should just give in and become numb, but there is a small, tiny, barely flickering flame inside me that wants to believe that I don't need to settle for these feelings.   Maybe that flickering flame is caused by my word choice of should- Ahhh...stupid distorted thinkin. 

Using my advice to stop thinking right now would really help, however we all know that it's not humanly possible to not think. After all Descartes did state: "I think therefore I am".

Why can't I be a deer or some other animal?
Ahhh- distorted thought again- fantasizing.

Okay, I have no other option but to ride the wave, Aoife, ride the wave.  So here I am, riding the wave and it's not a pretty wave to be riding. Writing this blog is definitely helping with organizing some of my thoughts, even though they may be appearing all over the place. But I don't know- maybe they're not - I guess that's when I survey the method and ask you. Are my thoughts appearing all over the place?


Well in all honesty- I started this blog entry as a way to avoid the pain of having to clean my room (yes...it's still going even after writing a blog about it 5 days ago! It's called cleaning room saga for a reason!), so since I can't avoid cleaning my room forever (which in all honesty would be a amazing, but not realistic, unfortunately--stupid reality).   I best go back to it.

Thank you for reading!

Undoing the Stinkin' Thinkin'

In my previous post I  explained the 16 cognitive distortions, also known as "Stinkin' Thinkin', which are irrational thoughts that some of our minds come up with that can create hell within our lives (literally/figuratively speaking).
In this post, I'm hoping to provide some information on how to stop thinking irrationally.

 My advice is to... just stop thinking!


Okay, okay, I was obviously joking.  So in therapy today, we went  over this whole distorted thinking again, which will help a lot with this blog:  Today, we went over the Negative Feedback Loop.  This loop/cycle starts with a  negative thought, which leads to negative actions that lead to negative results that lead to negative feelings, which then leads you into a downward spiral.  Because that's all this cycle does...well in reality...that's what all cycles do- however some go up (when there is positivity of course)

Negative thought--> negative actions--> negative results--> negative feelings--> negative thoughts

Ideally,  to stop the negative cycle we are in, we'd obviously have to stop the negative thinking.  However, that isn't always easy especially since negative thoughts (or any kind of thoughts for that matter) become automatic over time.  So, it's going to be hard to just go straight to the top and stop the cycle there because a lot of us are unaware of what/how we think. Some of us have  convinced ourselves to believe that what we think is exactly who we are- which is so far from the truth, but we are capable of getting to a state of mind where we believe it.

Listed below are nine ways to go from "stinkin thinkin" to "awesome thinking".  Please be aware that this process, like everything, takes time and commitment to break.

I will admit, sometimes it's really hard to pin point the exact distorted thought that was being used, especially since so many of the 16 cognitive distortions relate to one another very closely.  In such a case, instead of freaking out and yelling "WHICH ONE IS IT??" and causing yourself a panic attack, it's best to simply just say- "Ah that was a negative thought"

1) Identify our Cognitive Distortion
As just mentioned, one of the first ways to end this cycle of thinking is being able to identify which distorted thinking process we are using. Being aware is key and is the first step to the healing process.  Once we can be aware of our thoughts, we can  put a label on them.  Next time we have this labeled thought- we can then catch ourselves and ask ourselves-do we want to act on this thought or change the thought to something more positive so we have a more positive outcome?
  

2) Examine The Evidence
Examine the thought and see if you have the right evidence based on actions/behaviors and statements to support it or not.  
For this method- a good way to examine the evidence is to challenge the thought.  So, for example if I say "You always eat my cookies" I'd look at that and ask myself if it's really true? Now if I was talking to my little sister, it is..hehe jk.


3) Double Standard Method
This requires you talking to yourself as you would to a friend.  I would hope that when you talk with your friends, you talk in a kind, soft compassionate manner.  (Unless you have friend that is  hard of hearing- you'd then speak louder).  But, because you are speaking to yourself you'd speak in a soft, kind compassionate manner.  

4) Thinking in Shades of Gray
If you tend to be an all or nothing thinker, try to remind your self that there are no absolutes, (except for vodka and math problems) use scales from 0-10 as a way to block this type of thinking.  For some people a scale from 0-100 is a better suit for them! But for the rest of us that can't count beyond 10, the 0-10 scale will work just fine! 

5) Survey Method
This requires talking to others, preferably trusted family/friends, and asking them if you are thinking logically or not.   So if I think  "I've got a big butt," I'd go to one of my friends/family members and ask them...in which case they wouldn't have to say anything...they'd  play Sir-Mix-A-Lot's popular song and  I will then have confirmation that yes my thought is realistic...
 I do have a big butt...and I can not lie.
You other brothers can't deny.
When I walk in with an in with an itty bitty waist
 And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
 'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed...
 (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!

Oh yeah..I did just do that!


6) Re-attribution
 Instead of putting all the blame on yourself for a problem- think about the factors that may have contributed to it...Yeah I don't really like this one

7) Cost-Benefit Analysis or Decisions Balance Sheet
List both pros and cons to the feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors.

8) The Semantic Method, also known as Rephrasing things positively
I think this is my favorite one because it has been the most beneficial
This method entails substituting language  that is less colorful and emotionally loaded.  Because I tend to beat myself up a lot- I use a lot of Should/shouldn't statements.  Instead of saying "I should/you should" I'd substitute the shoulds and say "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake"

Other examples of positive rephrasing include the following

Obligation-Inducing Phrasing	Positive Rephrasing
“I need to call my friend tonight.”	“I want to call my friend tonight.”
“I should get to bed by 11 tonight so I’m not sleepy and miserable all day tomorrow.”	“I’d like to get to bed by 11 tonight so I’ll be happy and awake tomorrow.”
“I want to sleep in, but I can’t because I have to go to work today.”	“I want to sleep in, but I also want to keep my job, so I’ll choose to go to work today because I want that more than I want to sleep in.”

Limiting Phrasing	Positive Rephrasing
“I’m a horrible cook.”	“I haven’t chosen to spend much time cooking, so I’m not very well-practiced at it.”
“I suck at math.”	“I’m not great at math because I haven’t spent much time studying it, and I don’t want to because I don’t enjoy it at all.”
“It’s impossible for me to be honest all the time; I’m a Scorpio!”	“I sometimes choose to be dishonest, but that’s my responsibility and I could choose otherwise if I wished to.”
“I can’t go to the movies, I don’t have enough time! I have to work!”	“I’m choosing to prioritize my work over going to a movie right now.”
“I can’t make it to your party, because I… uh… have plans.”	“I appreciate the invitation, but I’m more in the mood to stay home and relax instead.”

• Limiting Phrasing	Positive Rephrasing
  “You made me mad by doing that.”	“I felt mad when you did that

All other information adapted from Dr. David Burn's Feeling Good Handbook


Thank you for reading!

A therapist's dream or a therapist's nightmare

It's been two weeks since I've been discharged from my last psych ward experience.  In the time I've been out, I began volunteering at an animal shelter (next to the partial hospitalization program I'm participating in and go 2-3 times a week to walk dogs), been going to the gym 3-4 times a week, and learned how to crochet. (I'm currently attempting to make a pouch for my cell phone/keys etc) 

Since participating in this extensive program (6 hours a day 5 days a week), I have been learning a lot about myself. From this learning experience, I've come to the conclusion that  I must be either a therapist's dream or a therapist's nightmare.  I say I'm a therapist's dream because of all the work I need to do, which leads to cha-ching ($$$) in the therapist's pocket.   The only way I could be considered a therapist's nightmare is if they don't have patience. Which.. as a therapist you would hope they do have patience, however, not all therapists are good. (especially the one male therapist,“Dr. Larry” Brotzen,  I saw when I was 20 years old who told me to wear a skirt next time I saw him for my appointment- not kidding.  Turns out he was/is a fraud in all senses  Fucking bastard only got 3 years. The fucker should have had his penis cut off -Okay- I'm not showing compassion right now....let me rephrase....The mother fucker piece of shit asshole should have had his penis cut off. Now...I think that's a huge improvement towards compassion)


Anyway...So- I've recently learned about the common 16 Cognitive Distortions (Some websites have it as 15...and this one has 50). Although we all have patterns of thinking, those who think with cognitive distortions perceive irrational or exaggerated thoughts as truth. While some people may experience a few of these 16 thought patterns from time to time,  all 16 make up my whole being...yay!

 Many people may question- why people use/have distorted thinking?  In my experience, I used distorted thoughts as a defense mechanism/coping skill, which is probably why I have so many of these cognitive distortions.  I had created these thought patterns (probably subconsciously since I had no idea that my thoughts had labels)  as a way to protect myself from feeling any amount of pain/hurt/feeling bad about myself. Some of this thinking, such as "polarized" and "should" as well as others were also used as ways to motivate me.  While all of these helped with my coping at one point in time, what I failed to realize was that these thoughts were destroying my mind/me all in the process. Being an obsessive thinker also doesn't help..double whammy

So below, I've listed all 16 distorted thoughts. In the next blog I will explain how to fix this way of thinking.

Filtering:
Take negative details while filtering out all of the positive aspects and cause reality to become darkened or distorted. (See poems)
 
Polarized Thinking:
Also known as All or Nothing Thinking
This is known as the black and white thinking (no shades of gray).  We are either perfect or a failure; In my case, I have the unrealistic expectation to be perfect, this only sets me up for constant failure.

Over-generalization:
Believing that something will always happen because it happened once. 

Jumping to Conclusion:
Deciding how to respond to a situation without all of the information.
Jumping to conclusion includes mind reading and fortunetelling 
Mind reading- inferring people's thoughts and assuming you know what they are thinking/why they are doing the things they do.
Fortune Telling: Predicting outcomes- usually negative.

Magnification and Minimizing
Minimizing:  We see the positive/negative as not important or doesn't count and we will see big events as not meaning much.  Minimizing includes using words such as oh it's no big deal, when in actuality it is; saying it's okay, when it clearly isn't.
Magnification: When we see the negative results of our actions as bigger than they really are.  This is also known as catastrophizing. Perfectionists are said to carry magnifying traits.  For example when someone gets an A- on the paper and they make it seem as though they got an F.

Personalization:
Taking things too personally.   We attribute personal responsibility to things outside of our control.  We  think that we are the cause for a lot of things that have gone awry. Another example of personalization would be comparing ourselves to others or believing that everything others do or say is a personal attack.

Control Fallacies:
We distort our sense of power and control.  There are two parts to this: external control and internal control.  In external control we see ourselves as helpless victims of fate.  We feel stuck; we believe we have no control of our lives.   With internal control we see ourselves as having responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us.  We carry the world on our shoulders. 

Fallacy of Motives
We sacrifice for others and our reasoning for doing so is because we believe we will be rewarded by receiving recognition, appreciation, being liked, etc 

Fallacy of Fairness
We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won't agree with us.  We tend to apply a "measuring ruler" against every situation judging it's fairness and get upset when we perceive situations as not being fair.

Fallacy of Change:
 We expect other people to change to suit our needs because our emotions depend entirely on them.
Just ask any of my ex boyfriends

Blaming
We hold other people responsible for our pain or blame ourselves for every problem. We tend to deny our right to assert our needs, say no, or go with what we want due to this. 

Shoulds
We have a list of unwavering rules and ideas of  how we and others should act.  We put a lot of emphasis on these rules and when they are broken by others we get angry and when we break our own rules we feel guilty.   

We use the words should, shouldn't, must, and ought constantly and become very judgmental.
Some of us may use should/shouldn't  as a motivating technique when in reality we are punishing themselves before we can do anything.

Emotional Reasoning:
We believe that our feelings must be true and our feelings interact and correlate with our thinking process. So..when we have distorted thoughts our emotions will reflect these distortions.  For example if we feel stupid, then we must be stupid.

Global Labeling: 
We view the world as one-dimensional. 
It's constant labeling and judging of self and others.

Always be right:
I don't really need to explain this one. The only thing worth mentioning here is that when we have to be right, we become hard of hearing because we are only interested in defending our own opinion and fail to listen to what is being said.


Heaven's Reward Fallacy
 We expect our doing of the "right thing" will pay off, even when our hearts aren't into it.  We think as though someone is keeping score for our doing right all of the time. We aren't fully honest with ourselves in this case.


Thank you for reading! 

Just a few tidbits for those trivia geeks out there. Aaron Beck was the founder of this theory and David Burns came up with the labels for each distortion.  A lot of the information listed above is from  15 Cognitive Distortions by John M. Grohol, Psy.D..

Cleaning room saga.

While cleaning out my room and purging all of the memories from my past, I came upon my journals I wrote from high school to present.  I couldn't help but go through them all page by page; It definitely triggered A LOT of emotions from doing so, but it was very releasing/healing as I ripped each page out and threw it in the recycling bin.
While reflecting, I realized how strange it is that there can be so many changes and none at all at the the same time. Getting older has brought about a lot of change in many ways- physically, intellectually, spiritually etc.. But the things that have remained the same for me has been my inability to be comfortable in my own skin, the inability to love myself, my constant search for not only happiness, but also for  having a sense of belonging and wanting to be/feel loved by others (probably to overcompensate for the lack of love I have for myself). I think it's quite sad to live a life full of insecurities, depression, low self worth/confidence/self-hatred and the desperate need to find outside pleasures to help mend internal pain; and overall, I think it's just a sad place to be when you are a lost soul.   Unfortunately this all represents my life.

Over 11 years ago- I wrote the following poems:

I just need to find a peaceful place
To go somewhere and hide my face
Keep me away from this misery
Keep me away from what I see
All I want to do is dream
Dream of the life that should have been
For this life I have has gotten old
All I can say is that I'm ready to fold
Written 12/18/03

All the things you said
Kept running in my head
Words I wish not to describe
Expressions I wish I could hide.
The dreams I had have perished
There is nothing in this life to cherish
Written 03/03

Within my other blog entries, there are poems I have written more recently (Please check them out if you'd wish- Shredded Heart, Desperate, Chemical Dependency and Fucked up Mind). The sad thing is that they basically say the same things as the ones above- even 11 years later.  I don't know why it is that I haven't learned to love myself.  Perhaps it's from some trauma I experience throughout the years, especially from childhood.  It's sad to say, but when I look in the mirror the reflection I see sometimes is similar to the girl from The Ring- I wish I were kidding, but I'm not. I guess it's better seeing a reflection than avoiding seeing anything at all like I did when I was 13.    I obviously have an extreme warped perception of myself and it has affected my life tremendously in all aspects- in work, relationships, school; etc. It's quite debilitating.  I can see light in others, but I can't see any light within my soul.  And there is no one to blame but myself and there is no one who can fix it, but myself.  I guess this all explains why I had to go to four psych wards in the last 3 months; when you carry this all around for years, one is bound for a breakdown or 4.  
So now that I'm out of the psych wards, I am currently doing an 8 week intensive therapy program. Working on yourself is the hardest, most exhausting job ever and I have a lot of work to do. Each day I feel as though I ran a marathon without even taking one step.  But the most important thing is that I'm showing up- that's half of the battle.   What I want to to achieve most out of this program is love for myself/ to find the light I see in others in myself. 

Serenity- painting I did a few years back

Thank you for reading!








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