Decisions

I'm at a crossroad or crossroad(s) I should say.  I don't know what to do.  While desperately seeking and praying to find something that I'd enjoy doing, I came across a job opportunity of interest and applied for it.  As many of you know, there is the saying...ask and you shall receive.  The problem is I did ask and I did receive. I received the job offer, but I'm left to ask for more.  Is this the right decision? Will this work out? Am I good enough for this position?  Will this cause another breakdown?  Am I emotionally and mentally stable enough for this position?  I guess I'm left asking questions regarding fear of taking this job.  I'm fearing the unknown. I'm fearing my decision. I am fearing my mind.

  I just don't know. Decision-making seems to be so difficult.  It's hard when you fear your own thoughts and mind.   It's one thing when you lose trust in others, but it's a whole different ball game when you have lost trust in yourself.  And how do you get it back?
I'm still trying to figure that all out.


So the job position I applied\ for is to be an environmental educator. The position is to connect 4th-8th graders to the environment, teach respect for the Earth and its beings and promote a commitment to lifelong learning. Although I was excited at first to receive the offer, a huge wave of insecurities and anxiety crushed me.  I'm not qualified for this job.  They are going to be so disappointed that they hired me.  What were they thinking? What was I thinking to apply for this job?  I don't know much about the environment. I didn't go to school for environmental studies.  I don't know anything about high ropes and fun outdoor activities.  What happens if this doesn't work out? Will I have another breakdown? Am I even mentally stable to work at a job like this? I've been so miserable.  Am I going to continue being miserable down there?

The questions and negative comments went on all day yesterday to the point I almost was considering going back to intensive therapy.

My problem with all of this..is that I'm allowing my disease to defeat me.

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” ~Honore de Balzac



After talking to numerous friends about this dilemma, they each suggested I do a pros and cons list and weigh my options.  So here's my list:

Job Pros:	Job Cons:
- Could possibly open doors to a new career/opportunity/ -Could be a positive experience -Be outside -Meet new, like minded people -Be busy -Adventure -Something new -Growth -Teach Irish dancing -Simple living -save money.   -Help resume.  -Easier to make changes in new environment.    -reinvent myself	Spend Money -          -Ticket -          -clothing- rain gear etc. -          -Bedding Mental instability-Could lead to another breakdown. Long hours working -Away from home -Could be a bad experience -Pay less
Staying Pros:	Staying Cons:
-Family stability -Make more money -Save more money -Get meds straightened out.	-Loneliness -Feeling stuck -Stay miserable. -Could lead to another breakdown. -Be inside my head too much -Hard to change when in familiar setting

So, after much thought and talking to a few very close friends who are supportive of this opportunity. I have decided to take the job.  Please keep me in your prayers that it works out for the best.  

Thank you.

Here's to new beginnings ahead.  

Fear

I have a lot of fears.

Being hurt
Hurting others
Getting too close
Being codependent
Getting old/older
Loneliness
Not having purpose
Succeeding
Failing
Living
Money
Not having money




I fear relationships.
What do I fear about them? Hmmm...Good question.
 I feel like I fear everything about them.  My fear is like an oxymoron.  I fear closeness and attachment, yet I fear aloofness.  I'm not really sure if I fear people getting to know me more than I fear getting to know other people or vice versa. Either way, it doesn't really matter because I fear them both.   I fear seriousness. I fear commitment. I fear losing myself.  I fear codependency. I fear settling.  I'm fearful of being around people who get angry, who get sad..etc.  It just all triggers me.  So in reality...it's just hard to be around people.   I know this is something I need extensive work on.  I need to work on how to react to other people's feelings/emotions as well as my own. I need to learn how to not allow feelings and emotions of others as well as my own be such triggers for me.  You know you have SERIOUS issues when you become fearful of emotions.  

I think my lack of body awareness is a fear in itself as well.  When you are unfamiliar with your own body language and others can pick up on it and know all about you within a short interaction...it's quite scary. It's difficult accepting the fact that others know me better than I know myself.   With this, I fear not being able to remain a mystery.  I feel as though I'm easily readable..and transparent. A quality I really dislike, but I allow it.  I am allowing it by writing this blog and all, but I just don't know how else to express myself and let my my own expressions be known other than through writing. So while others may already have a sense of who I am..I really don't and writing helps me develop that sense.



  I feel as though I need to build up my walls. I feel as though I'm letting them down too easily.  I feel like I need to physically build a fence in order to build one figuratively.  Hmm..I'm thinking I should get some clay and start building because I need to.  What I'll do is just put four slabs of clay together with no door, no window.  That's what I need.

I realized one of the coping mechanisms I use when in fear or uncomfortable is hugging.
  It's a fear response.  When I am feeling any sort of anxiety of any kind, I just want to hug and feel close and protected.  But I can see how using such a skill can get me in some trouble...especially around men.  This is another huge fear I have...men. I have fear with women as well.  I think when it comes down to it, I think my biggest fear of all is my own shadow...my biggest fear is me.

Change

Sometimes it's just too much to see someone else suffer.  I think this may be the case when you have experienced suffering and are extremely empathetic.  It's painful to watch someone suffer because you know their pain all too well; and for those of us who are highly sensitive individuals- you can even feel their pain.  I think the hardest thing about seeing someone suffer is the fact that there is not much you can do about their suffering.  You can help guide them/show them compassion and understanding, but in the end, their suffering is brought about by their own mind. They need to save themselves and be at the point of despair to reach out for help and seek help.  They need to be the seekers of being saved.  One can not seek for them. One can really only pray.

 As a fellow sufferer, all I want to do is to help ease the pain of someone else suffering.    However, I find that sufferers are trapped in their own mind. I know this for a fact.  As sufferers, we feel stuck in quicksand. As an outsider, one may see nothing around us, but in the mind of a sufferer -we are in quicksand. No matter what an outsider does to try to help/say, the sufferer is stuck in an illusion they created in their own mind and it's up to them to change the illusion.


This past weekend was a real eye opener.  I went to a party for a friend who was in town. I haven't been to a party in ages.  I've been to some family parties, but not "real" parties. I forgot the effects alcohol has on people because it's been too long since I've been exposed to it.  But this weekend, I saw it. I saw it first hand what my suffering looked like in the reflection of another sufferer. Although this fellow sufferer was intoxicated beyond belief by alcohol, it  was no different than how intoxicated I've become by my negativity. 
It was scary witnessing what I did.
And It was really sad.


The hardest thing about this weekend was walking away from the person suffering.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  But there was nothing else I could do. I did all I could. I talked, I listened.  But when more was asked of me than I could give,  I, finally for the first time, created a boundary and I walked away.  I continued listening as it was hard not to hear the cries.  It was just painful to witness. The only thing that I was left to do was to pray for the suffering soul. This soul was stuck in the quicksand that didn't exist and I couldn't pretend with him that it existed. 

This weekend helped open my eyes and made me aware of what I need to do. And I need to change.  I need to stop swimming, eating, sleeping, etc in my own diarrhea I created that I failed to clean up.  I need to be the one to change. I need to not diarrhea all over myself and if I do, clean it up right away. 

Here's to change.

My plea to God

Dear God,

I need your help. I apologize for reaching out in a time of despair..  I need help. I need to know what I can do to be a better human; to be more spiritful rather than spiritless.  I need a lot of guidance. Please, I need a body, mind, spirit connection.  I can't live this way any longer.  As I'm trying to make my way back to recovery, I'm trying to find/create a reality that touches and feeds my soul.  I need a job in a warm climate where I am using my gifts that you have  bestowed upon me. Please help me find these gifts, or rather please allow these gifts to come out in full force. I need a life and job that I can enjoy.  A place by the beach would be nice where I can help with healing of others.  Please help make this reality.  In return, I will be grateful and appreciative everyday.  I know I should be like this at present moment, but I'm not..which is why I need your help.

What I'd like in a job:
Near beach
With mother nature
Bike paths
Friendly, healing atmosphere
Someplace where I can use my gifts that connects me to my soul and touches others.
Simple
Healing
Someplace where I can experience gratitude.
Environmentally conscious

Thank you.

Cornfields

Today I went for a long, evening run.  As I was running, I passed a cornfield to my right.  I wanted to go in it, but the thought that I was going to get arrested for doing so popped into my head.  And then I decided to fuck it. There aren't many places I can go around here in my hometown to just collect my thoughts.  To hide and be alone.  There is nowhere to breathe.  Sure I can drive someplace, but where to? There is nothing here in white suburbia to drive to.  And in either case, the car I have been using is currently out of commission. Even if it were in commission, I'd still have to deal with gas and affording it all. It's sad, but true. Money/lack thereof has taken over my life.

 Last week while babysitting I made $342 dollars. I couldn't help but cringe at the fact that for a week of hard work, doing a job I'm not really enjoying, I made the same as I would have working one night at a dive bar back in Boston.  I miss the bar.  But then I had to catch myself as I fantasized about how wonderful the bar scene was.  Although it was fun and games at first, in the end...being groped, having to clean up puke and having to clean diarrhea that clogged toilets was not all that beautiful.  

 So..back to the cornfield.  I wanted to get lost...and never return.  I wanted some evil entity to come attack me as  I separated and passed through each stalk of corn.   But there was nothing.  I realized that corn fields aren't even all that scary.   Although there are many movies where cornfields portray death and evilness, this cornfield wasn't providing me with much of that.  There was nothing to fear.
 I guess I really don't need an evil entity in a cornfield to attack me because I'm my own evil entity...attacking myself, I am my own thing to fear.

So, as I was making my way through the field, I decided to sit amongst the corn.  I wanted to sit in silence; however, my mind had other ideas.  Suicide notes started to pop in my head.  I want to end this. I want to end this life.  The pain is too much to bear. The suffocation is too much to take in. The disappointments.   I have nothing, I have no one. I am disconnected. I just want my body to lay to rest because it feels as though my soul has already done so.  I just want my body to be connected to my dead, lifeless soul.

Unfortunately I have commitments to attend to tomorrow and saturday, so this all must wait.  Maybe something in the meantime will present itself.  Afterall, I am in desperate mode.  When one reaches desperate mode, they tend to give everything up...even their ego gives up. One thing that comes about when in this mode is prayer and begging for help from a higher being, if there is such thing.  When you get into this mode....there is no question as to if there is such a thing...because you force yourself to believe there is such a thing...you become so desperate to latch and cling on to something.  I have nothing to cling onto now except for hope that there is a higher power...that this storm will end.  It has to end.  I need to cling onto something that can take me out of this madness I created.  Something that will save me.  Because I need plenty of saving.  No human can save me...I can't save me.  Please God...if you are out there...save me...save me from myself and all evil.  

  

Chicago.

I miss city living, especially in Chicago. This could be due to the fact that I'm fantasizing what it was like living in the city;  but I felt as though there always was an opportunity to help brighten someone's day around the corner.  There was the opportunity to assist the elderly with opening doors, assist the blind man crossing the street, people to hold open doors for...people that would hold open doors for me.

 I miss the compliments the homeless men would yell out as I would smile at them and acknowledged them, while so many people hurried by them blinded by their existence.  "Beautiful smile.  Keep smiling. God bless you."  Whenever I was having a bad day, it would easily be turned around when with the homeless. Whenever I had anything in my pocket like a piece of candy, I would give it.  I tried to refrain from giving change as I didn't want to enable possible bad behaviors.
It was something about walking among the homeless that gave me a sense of purpose.  I felt connected to them, I understood them. I didn't judge them.

I remember one time when I was riding my bike. Thinking I was a BMXer...I tried to get up on the sidewalk and my tire hit the curb I fell to the ground.  Numerous people kept walking by..some nearly over me.  And who do you think came to aid me? You guessed it..a homeless man.  He helped me up, helped me with my bike and sat next to me, gave me some purell he had in his pocket and a the few clean tissues he had and gently placed them on my hand.
The next day when I went to work, I told one of the doctors what happened and his response appalled me.  "Be careful around homeless people" was what she said.  It just bothers me the stigma that is out there.  Amongst homeless, amongst mentally ill etc.  For me, I think I have more fear being around doctors and privileged people than I do homeless.
After work, I stopped by the store and picked up napkins, some protein bars and Gatorade and brought it to my man.

After thanksgiving that same year, after I had quit my job working with 16 orthopedic surgeons, (some of them which many should fear)  I made ten plates of food and put Christmas cards in each one and wrote you are loved.  I then went among the streets of Chicago and looked for homeless people to hand them out to.  Although at first I was a bit disappointed because I couldn't find anybody, I reminded myself that this was a good thing. That this meant the homeless people were out of the cold and in warm places.  However, as I continued walking, I did find a few homeless people to give the food to. Some of the best conversations I had were with the homeless people.  Talk about enlightened.  Talk about happy.  Some of the most happy people I've met have been homeless.

Another thing I miss about city life is the idea of constantly reinventing myself.  There is a sense of freedom when living in a city compared to where I am living in now, which is in white, privileged suburbia.  I miss the diversity. I miss the different events I could be a part of.  I miss the freedom.  I miss my friends.  I miss the person I was living there...I miss me.

Chained

It's been quite a while since I last wrote in this blog.  A month has gone by.  About 2.5 weeks ago, I completed my intense therapy program.  The last day was quite emotional, as I guess it is no surprised considering the fact that my life for 3.5 months consisted of going to this program.
The final session I had prior to my departure was art therapy.  Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of my artwork as I threw it out. it's been awhile since I've thrown away art pieces I've done, but for some reason, I just didn't like what I made.
What I created was a cherry blossom tree.  I had the branches go in all different directions, as that is what branches do.  As we all know, branches do not form a straight and narrow line; they go with whatever direction they choose.  They take whatever path it wants.
The remaining 15 minutes of therapy was spent on a stone ceremony.  A stone ceremony is where on the last day of the program, the patient picks out a stone and the stone gets passed around to everybody in the room who then briefly make a comment/statement.
So the stone I chose was LOVE.  (I actually picked it out the day before b/c I wasn't sure what stone to chose and it took forever for me to make up my mind.)
So Love it is.

I chose this mainly for the reason to find love...within myself.  I can't possibly know what love is until I love myself.
For the ceremony, 5 of the therapists I had throughout the program stopped by to wish me well; each of them leaving me with words of encouragement and of course words of love.  They told me how great of a person I am, how strong of a person I am, and that I was a pleasure to work with and that one day they hope I see it and that I deserve love and I deserve to love myself.

To me great people, strong people do great things.  Great people don't wallow in self despair.  Great people don't feel chained. Great people don't hate...especially themselves.
So although at one point I felt as though I was progressing through this so called life. I find that now I have taken a few steps, if not leaps backwards.  The meds are obviously not working. But I can't fully blame the meds- it's me that is not working.  It is me that is holding me back...yet again.  It's me that has made me so toxic.  

 I read this off of the facebook the other day:

" Should you help someone who is reaching out and deeply-hurting? Absolutely. Do what you can to help people but have the wisdom to accept your limits. You can only do so much. You should never have a relationship based on guilt over someone's poor choices. It is so easy to find ourselves in denial about someone's behavior because we so deeply wish they could escape their pain and suffering. But what we want for others doesn't work unless they want it for themselves. People must save themselves, and you can only help a person who really wants it and is ready. You have permission to walk away from anything that doesn't feel right. Trust your instincts and listen to your inner-voice — it's trying to protect you. Never stop sharing your love with people; that's why you were put on Earth. But sometimes the way to share your love is to let someone go. Staying in an unhealthy relationship can keep a person from finding their own way and moving to the next level of their own path — and that person could even be you. Sometimes the best way to save someone is to walk-away. Real love sometimes means saying goodbye.

Your life was meant for more than being a life-long doormat for deadbeats, losers, gossipers, nay-sayers, dream-crushers, energy vampires, users, abusers, ragers and passive-aggressive backstabbers. Some of these people are rabidly-infected with obvious madness. Some have less obvious ways, such as the "helpful" enabler, who sends you off to your destruction with a helping hand and a smile. Some are "doubt-whispers," who plant the seeds of non-belief in your heart to take root, so they can then console you in your inevitable moment of defeat. There are also perpetual victims who feed on your constant attention. Call them what you want, you know exactly who I am talking about. One thing always reveals their sometimes hidden identity — after you have been around them, how do you feel; have you been depleted and drained or energized and inspired?

A person at peace can immediately recognize a consciousness in crisis, whereas those in crisis cannot fully understand themselves or others. This is the eternal challenge with ignorance — ignorance can't see itself. People often turn away from good advice because they need something another person can never give them — discovery. As much as we would like to help others avoid pain, sometimes we have to let go         and allow them to receive their painful lessons. Suffering is one of life's great teachers. You cannot save people from themselves. All you can do is stand firmly in your hopes for them, with compassion.

I know you want to be a good person and be helpful to people in need, but it's impossible to give to others if you have been used-up. Being a good person has nothing to do with allowing people to destroy you. There are limits. You can best help others from a position of strength, not weakness. So, don't forget to be good to yourself first. Don't forget to take care of you! It is never cruel to want to save yourself from being swamped by fools. You cannot save everyone. Some people are going to destroy themselves no matter how much you try to help them. Their lives are full of emptiness, chaos and dysfunction, and they will bring their misery and pain into your life with full-force if you allow it. Then there are others who have the outward appearance of success and are seemingly not self-destructive in nature. These people do not destroy themselves, but instead survive through the destruction of others — these are the users. Either of these types of people will latch-on to you in a death-spiral and take you down to the depths of hell with them. This is your life and you have the right and responsibility to make good decisions for yourself.

You must firmly, absolutely and ruthlessly protect your safety and sanity. Misery loves good company, so if you are surrounded with drama, gossip and fools you may want to consider that you are presently at risk of becoming one of them. The real zombie-apocalypse is the pandemic of drama and mediocrity. Troublemakers will infect you with the malady of their madness. And especially, if your positivity immune system is low, any exposure to a person afflicted with negativity can poison your life. You have to get these people out of your life once and for all. One of the fastest ways you can profoundly change your life is to rid yourself of toxic people. When you do come in contact with one of these people run for your life. Get to safety. Meditatively and spiritually decontaminate yourself. Scrub down your brain with a wire-brush and remove their insanity from the corridors of your mind. Inoculate yourself immediately by creating a safe space and aligning yourself with healthy people. If you have to go it alone for a while until you find your healthy tribe and chosen family, that is fine. Being alone is much better than being around negative people out of loneliness or desperation.

Boundaries and risk management are very important parts of living a healthy and positive life. Even professionals like therapists, psychologists and social workers limit their exposure to their clients and draw boundaries. What makes you think you can handle unlimited exposure to toxic people and survive? You can still be a charitable person who helps and cares about people, without helping those very people destroy your life. Learn how to draw a line and learn how to enforce it. Get selfish and take care of you. Cleanliness and order is good Feng Shui which applies to people even more than to the things in your life. You must clear out what you don't want, to make room for what you do want to arrive. The way to send a clear message that you are ready for better people in your life is the kick the rascals to the curb. We strive our whole lives to love people unconditionally, but sometimes we need to get rid of people unconditionally. The intimate space of your personal life should be reserved for amazing, beautiful, radiant souls — good, wholesome and loving people. Your truest family is your chosen family, people with whom you most identify. Make a clear decision on the type of people you want in your life and if they don't make the cut, then create some distance. It doesn't matter if it is a close relative, parent or child-hood friend; no matter the history — when people are toxic, disruptive and dysfunctional with no reasonable signs of recovery, then they need to go. Sometimes, to escape a bad relationship and reclaim our lives, we have to break a piece of our heart off, like a wolf chews its leg off to escape a steel trap. Love toxic people from a distance.

Now could be the time to walk away; hell, you may even need to run. Haven't you been listening to your inner-voice? Be honest, your gut has been screaming but you have been ignoring it. How much more of your life are you going to throw-away for a lie? Accept it. Some people never change. Some people have abusive, negative, controlling tendencies in their blood; they are wired for havoc, bickering and deception. They know of no other way to interface with others except through their created chaos. Chaos is their home-court advantage where they play their mind-games so they can have power over you; it's a rigged game you can never win. They will wear you ragged and bring you to your knees emotionally and physically. In time they will destroy every wonderful thing you have in your life. You are in danger: your health, your peace of mind, your happiness and maybe even your life. There is more than one way to lose your life; quickly through violence, or fettered-away and wasted around dreadful, toxic people. You must take control of your life and make good decisions for yourself. The insanity must end, for your sake and for theirs.

Sometimes a person needs us to abandon them, but we hang-on anyway, which can be devastating for both parties. Helping others can sometimes even be a convenient distraction from addressing our own unresolved issues. When someone you know is so toxic and destructive that they are poisoning your life, you have to create some distance. They need you to walk away as much as you need it. People who are out of control desperately need to observe your healthy boundaries in-play to learn from your example. You best teach others about healthy boundaries by enforcing yours on them. There is a difference between giving-up and strategic disengagement. Know the difference. Learn how to let people go. Stop holding-on to the wrong people. Let them go on their own way; if not for you, then for them.

You can help others once you are safe, secure and successful in your own life. Practically every successful person you know of is successful, in part, because they moved the destructive and disruptive people out of their lives. Successful people carefully manage their energy and associations; they are gatekeepers. Who you allow into your life, mind and heart are among the most important decisions you will ever make. Take inventory of the people with whom you spend the most time. Who you spend your time with is who you are, or who you will soon become. Limit your exposure to unhealthy and unsupportive people. Love yourself enough to say no to people who diminish your chances for a beautiful and empowered life. Sometimes you have to get away from what you know to discover what you don't know. It is time for the abuse, control, lies and negativity to end. Align yourself with a new tribe of healthy people who are supportive of your highest good and potential. Find the people who are living the positive lifestyle you wish for yourself and who share your values, and create a new family of friends that you can call, "home." Your new positive and supportive tribe will edify you, strengthen you and empower you to serve others in ways you would have never before imagined. Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others. It is not too late for you. It is never too late to begin loving yourself again. It is never too late to have the life you deserve. Healing for everyone begins with self-love — starting right now"

The things is...how do you walk away from yourself when you are the toxic one in your life.  I've become so toxic that I don't want to reach out to anyone, I don't want to get close to anyone because I'm aware of how toxic I am.