Hugs

132:(entry 4) "Hug the people closest to you in your life and let each hug linger just a bit.  With each embrace, you are enhancing your relationship and your sense of self.  You are also boosting the other person's self esteem, letting them know how loveable they really are."

One thing I really love to do is give hugs. I wish I can make hugging my career because that's something I know I'd be good at. (Career #16)  I've been told by many that I give the best hugs and for anybody who wants to challenge me..I'm up for the challenge! 

 Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I crave for human connection.  Maybe I see it as a way to give love and release pain all at the same time. I'm the type that likes to give a big squeeze (bear hug).  When squeezing, I just imagine squeezing out all of the pain from the person's soul and pressing love into them.

 While working at the retreat center, on one particular day, a participant asked if I would like a hug; she noticed that I wasn't having the best of days.  While hugging she stated to me that 20 second hugs are ideal because it's been scientifically proven to secrete serotonin.  I'm not going to lie...once it passed the 5 second mark, it felt a little awkward, but by the time it hit 20 seconds, there was an amazing euphoric sensation... must have been the serotonin!  So now, when I hug people, I warn them that I give long hugs!


Hugs are just awesome! It's just something about the closeness, the warmth, and the feeling of the other person's heart beating..it's the touching of the hearts.  There is no right or wrong way to hug, however, if you do want extra closeness to the other person's heart and have a true "heart to heart" connection...start hugging to the right of the person.  This way...your hearts touch.

 While growing up, there wasn't much hugging in my family.  There really wasn't much when it came to expressing emotions.  My father was known for giving the worst and most painful hugs, which was why we never really received or wanted to give him hugs.  He just doesn't know how to hug.  He thought it was funny to dig his hands into your spine. All I have to say is: nope not funny, so not loving and so defeating the purpose of a hug.  While at the psych ward this year, I had to teach my father the proper way to hug. It was during this time that I was in desperate need of comfort and I needed my father's warmth and love.  So...I had to teach him how to hug properly and I had to go through the steps with him. "Spread your arms wide. Good job! Now wrap your arms around me.  Nope..you don't dig into anybody's spine.  Relax your hands. Good. You went from an F to an E. You are making great progress."  Although the hugs were still awkward beyond belief, they weren't painful and that's really all that mattered.  I had to tell my mom to practice hugging my dad so that he was well practiced when he came to visit, which was every day.  As the days went by, the hugs became less awkward and his grades improved. Make no doubt about it, they were still awkward, but not as painfully awkward as it was the first time I had to give my father the instructions on how to give a proper hug. He ended up receiving an A+.  Since the psych ward, however, he has reverted back to his old ways. Despite this fact, I'm blessed to have had those few days of awkward "proper" hugs from him.  Now I just ask my mom for hugs and I realize where I get my great gift of hugging. It's all from my mom. Thank God I didn't learn how to hug from my dad!  


The following is information from the Mind Body Green website that I would like to share.

1. The nurturing touch of a hug builds trust and a sense of safety. This helps with open and honest communication.

2. Hugs can instantly boost oxytocin levels, which heal feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anger.  

3. Holding a hug for an extended time lifts one's serotonin levels, elevating mood and creating happiness.
 

4. Hugging boosts self esteem. From the time we're born our family's touch shows us that we're loved and special. The associations of self-worth and tactile sensations from our early years are still imbedded in our nervous system as adults. The cuddles we received while growing up remain imprinted at a cellular level, and hugs remind us at a somatic level of that. Hugs, therefore, connect us to our ability to self love.

5. Hugging relaxes muscles. Hugs release tension in the body. Hugs can take away pain; they soothe aches by increasing circulation into the soft tissues.

6. Hugs balance out the nervous system. The galvanic skin response of someone receiving and giving a hug shows a change in skin conductance. The effect in moisture and electricity in the skin suggests a more balanced state in the nervous system - parasympathetic.

7. Hugs teach us how to give and receive. There is equal value in receiving and being receptive to warmth, as to giving and sharing. Hugs educate us how love flows both ways.

8. Hugs are so much like meditation and laughter. They teach us to let go and be present in the moment. They encourage us to flow with the energy of life. Hugs get you out of your circular thinking patterns and connect you with your heart and your feelings and your breath.

9. The energy exchange between the people hugging is an investment in the relationship. It encourages empathy and understanding.

I think as our world is becoming more technological, hugs are becoming extinct. In some instances when I feel as though I don't have anybody to hug, I will go and hug a tree.  It is such a grounding and releasing experience to give/receive a hug to/from mother earth.

Remember to always hug yourself first and foremost.  It's important to show yourself self love. Begin and end your day hugging yourself! I'm going to start doing the same!

Give yourself a hug for reading this :)

15 careers

So in yesterday's blog, I mentioned how I would keep you posted on what plan of action/where I put my foot in today's blog entry.

Well...to be honest, I didn't take much action; however, I did think!!! Woohooo!!
Action does begin with a thought!!

My one thought that came to mind was an idea about volunteering at a children's hospital. I then thought of the idea of painting/drawing pieces of art for the children I get in contact with because I love to draw and paint.
When I told my mom about this idea... I was shot down.  "Do something where you make money."
My response was.."well maybe someone will eventually see my art and donate 1 million dollars to me."

In all honesty, I don't like doing things for money...I don't like money.  I could say it's a self worth issue, but I don't think it really is. I see what money does...or rather I see what people do with money and it makes me sad. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong lens.

  I just don't understand business, money, and the whole concept behind it.  Sure we're told it makes the world go around...but does it really? And whose world does this statement refer to? Because it surely isn't my world.  Empathy, compassion, peace, love and joy is what makes my world go around..but maybe this is all a distorted thought.  Maybe I'm not radically accepting reality. 

Today on fb, a friend asked me if I was selling this painting I created.

Due to the fact, that I'm in a financial dilemma, I stated "Yes... I'm going to start selling my work. I just haven't figured out pricing.   I have to figure the whole selling stuff out.. I use to just give my art away..but since times are tough..I kind of need to start selling... So if anyone has any advice on selling....please let me know."


I have trouble with the whole idea of selling artwork etc.  To me doing art is a way I'm able to express myself.  I firmly believe the talent I have is a gift that was given to me; I believe all talents are gifts given to us.  
There is something about doing art that takes me into a different dimension.  It takes me to my passion...it takes me to my soul. And my soul...does not come with a price tag.  I believe gifts are meant to be shared and not charged.  But living in the world we do...it's hard to get by just on sharing.  

So this is something I have to work through.  

But going back to the volunteering at children's hospitals, I did take the action by looking at a few hospitals in the area.  I just have to take further action to contact them!

On a totally unrelated note:
Now that summer is approaching and I'm doing half days now at my program, I am looking at finding jobs.  Jobs, like relationships scare the shit out of me.  I have commitment phobia...or maybe it's just the fact that I'm not a career oriented woman (I think it's both).  I like to help people, but I don't like being restricted to an 8 hour a day, 40 hours a day rule.  Who came up with this shit to begin with? And why must we all be cattle waiting to be slaughtered following this "way of life."  

The other night, a neighbor of mine came over and suggested I work at the mall.  I was shocked.  This person obviously doesn't know me.  I hate malls...okay hate is a strong word. I dislike malls, I dislike vanity, I dislike consumerism.  I felt insulted. 

 As I'm getting older, I'm starting to understand the whole "time is valuable/time is precious" concept.  With this, I do not want to waste my time working away at a soul sucking job.  I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a snob..but it's true.  Does working at these types of jobs really help make me a better person? No.  (I'm sorry if this offends anybody who works in retail). I think jobs like this jade people.  It's all about want, want, want, want.  Nope..not the job for me.

Tomorrow, I have a 2nd interview at a sports complex. I'm interviewing for the party hostess position.  I think this job for me is ideal at the moment...it's much better than working at a mall idea.  It's just on weekends and it involves assisting with organizing children's birthday parties and hosting them. In my first interview I told the owner that I'm a kid at heart...so it would be good to work around people my age.   So I will keep you posted on how it goes.

A part of me wants to be doing so much more.   I have what I call the "Mother Teresa complex."  I want to save the world. I want to help so many people, but I have to remind myself I can not. I can only really help myself.  We are all accountable for ourselves when it comes down to it.  As some of you who have been reading my blogs may also know...I have the "geographic cure complex."  I just want to move from place to place.  So I am reminding myself baby steps. I'm reminding myself that it'll all be okay.  Take this opportunity and see what other door opens. 


To end this entry, I want to do my Beautiful You - entry #3. (#137: Consider Careers)..what a coincidence!!!

So for today, I am asked to list 10 careers that I would love to have. I am then to look over the list and consider what it can teach me about myself.  The questions to consider "Are you living in a way that plugs into what this list tells you? If so, how? If not, what's the first step you can take to start doing so?

The following are in no particular order:

1) Vacation Tester
2) Mattress Tester
3) Companion
4) Massage Therapist
5) Art Therapist/Art Teacher/Artist
6) Social Worker
7) Orphan worker
8) Yoga Instructor/Dance Teacher
9) Nomad
10) Special Ed Teacher
11) Author/Motivational Speaker.
12) Wildlife rescuer/animal rescuer
13) Horseback guide instructor
14) horse/animal whisperer
15)  Peace activist/Tree hugger



Okay..I may have cheated..I listed 15, not 10.  I wish it was humanly possible to accomplish all of this and I wish I could be able to jump from one job to the other ever 2-3 months.  However, I realize this is all wishful thinking.

So what does this list teach me?
 I think it teaches me that I'm a giving, empathetic, caring person.  I'm a healer.  I like to help those less fortunate.
I like to be free.

 Am I living in a way that plugs into what this list tells you?
 I am in the process.  I think going to therapy is helping me a lot.  It's teaching me the skills to heal myself- my inner child, my body, my mind, my soul. Therapy is allowing me to blossom. It's giving me strength and courage and is inspiring me to live another day longer.


Thank you for reading!

Reconsider- entry 2

For today's journal entry from Beautiful You, I am asked "What holds you back?" (71: reconsider..Reconsider what is standing in the way of your happiness.")

For those of you who have not read Beautiful You journal entry 1, I recommend you take a look at it so you have an idea of what this blog and Beautiful You is all about.

At first, I thought the answer was quite simple...  It's FEAR.

(Did any of you think the same thing?)

Once, however, I dug deeper into my soul, I realized that this is just the tip of the iceberg.  What's holding me back is much bigger than fear.  It's hulk size..no wait..it's Godzilla size...it is me.  It is me that is holding me back.  It's my mind... my distorted thoughts (fear stems from distorted thinking),  and my judgements that are holding me back.

Realizing this is quite scary and painful because for so many years I've allowed my thoughts to control my actions and reactions.  I've allowed myself to become a prisoner inside my own mind, body and soul.  I've allowed myself to be paralyzed...I've allowed myself to go insane.  My mind use to come up with so many other excuses as to what's holding me back.  My mind framed every other aspect of life.  It's my environment that is holding me back...it's this person that is holding me back..it's that person that is holding me back...it's my job that is holding me back..it's my age that is holding me back...it's my grass that is holding me back..it's fear that is holding me back.  My mind pointed the fingers at every person, place and thing...except for itself.  My mind has been a hypocrite all of this time.

So..now that 31 years have come and gone...I'm left at ground 0.  The positive outlook of all of this, is that at least I have become aware. The downside to all of this is what's next? What do I do?  I can't get 31 of my years back...I can't get even 1 day back..not even 1 nanosecond. 

I know what to do!!!! .....I need to perform surgery on my mind!!! 

Now if  only it were that easy.


What I need to do now..is take action.  Instead of letting my thoughts talk the talk.  I need to put my foot down and take action. I need not let my thoughts consume me anymore. However, the thought of doing all of this is very overwhelming.  Where do I put my foot? Where do I start? I want to do so much..I want to do everything.  See...see how easy these distorted thoughts creep up on me? This is going to take some HARD work. This is going to require boxing gloves.  Distorted thoughts...you guys are going DOWN!!!

 I'll keep you posted on what plan of action/where I put my foot in tomorrow's blog entry. 
Thank you for reading!

Beautiful you- journal entry 1

On Thursday, my individual therapist lent me her book called Beautiful You: a daily guide to Radical Self-Acceptance.   "I thought about you and thought this would be great to help give you ideas when writing your blog" she stated.

I always feel honored when someone tells me they were thinking of me.  It always (not a distorted thought) brings tears to my eyes anytime I hear it. I guess to me, it's just so touching...it's a reminder that out there somebody does care about me. It's hard to tell, however, if they are tears of joy or sadness... I think it's both.  It's all dialectic.

Maybe subconsciously all of this has something to do with being a middle child and all that goes along with the "middle child syndrome."  I dislike that term, but from my experience as a middle child,  I have felt forgotten about and I have felt alone as well as lonely.  I understand some people may say that everyone feels this way at some point, but what I mean is that I would feel it to the extreme.  So, when someone says they were thinking of me...it's just really comforting.

 At first, however, when people told me they would think of me, my reaction/thought would be..."what a waste of a thought." Now that I'm slowly working on increasing my self esteem/self worth, I have gotten the courage to say "thank you" and that brings tears to my eyes because I've come a long way. 

 I stated earlier that when I cry the tears are sometimes sad tears. I cry because it upsets me to know that I never felt worthy to be on someone else's mind.   I actually not only thought that...but worst, believed it to be true..that I was worthless.  That's where the sadness part comes into play.  The joy comes into play when I feel the sincerity of the words. 



So, tonight I decided to open the book and get an idea of what it's about.  To give you an idea...it's about going on a journey that encourages you to develop a clearer sense of yourself.  In it, there are 365 chapters that offer the tools and resources to help you "understand and overcome any dissatisfaction you have with yourself and magnify your brilliance." Some of the chapters involve writing journal entries, while others involve reflections.  My goal is to attempt to do all 365 of the chapters and blog about it.  I can't promise that I will be able to do this daily, however, I will attempt to do my best and that's the best I can do.  So...if I fall off the wagon, please don't be disappointed in me. I'll just have to get right back on.  I hope you enjoy this journey with me.  I hope you have enjoyed it thus far!  Here, here to finding myself!


Before I begin with the chapter I chose, I just wanted to add words from the author that touched me.  I hope you can take away something from it as well.

"There is no quick fix to improving your self-concept/improving sense of self...Every day, you can find a story of someone who medicated herself with plastic surgery, weight loss programs, or new relationships in order to find happiness, only to find that she's not that happy with the very thing that she thought would cure her....However you feel about yourself, those feelings were not created in just one day--and addressing how you feel about yourself will also take more than a day, and more than several. Changing self image takes time, attention, discipline, and desire...Too often, we believe we will finally be content when our body changes in some way. Actually, we'll be content only when our mind changes, when we give ourselves permission and the tools to be content.  The key to feeling better isn't looking better. It is feeling better about our lives and better understanding what our bodies really are- vehicles in which we can experience life.  Our bodies are not life itself; they are objects of motion, not admiration.  If we stop the world's racket and engage deliberately in our lives, we change ourselves.  Beautiful You provides the tools-vision, passion, purpose, resilience, productivity--for every woman who wants to see beauty in a way that is true to who she is and not in the way the world hands it to her" (Rosie Molinary)


I'm glad that there are no "rules" that go along with this book. Although it counts up from day 1 to 365, she encourages you to use it the way it makes most sense to you.

So, when I first opened up the book..I stopped at chapter 146 (day 146): Finish the Sentence.  I saw what was written...didn't like it and looked for another chapter only to pick it again...so I guess that means I have to go with it. So here it is:

"Sometimes we just need a reminder of our beauty and brilliance."

Today: Finish the sentence: I feel beautiful when...


This is a hard one.  The first thing that popped into my head was I never feel beautiful.  And...that's when my Cognitive Distortion radar went wild.  In group therapy, I'm known as the "Cognitive Distortion/Judgement Nazi"( I apologize if that term offends anybody) by the other patients.  I'm always calling people out on their distorted thinking and judgements.  So of course when I say something distorted or judge...I call myself out..I'm no hypocrite!

So..here I am...reminding myself to let go of the judgements and distorted thoughts.

I feel beautiful... when I laugh.  Sometimes when I laugh, I have what I call "the laughing reflex." This is when my head jolts back as I laugh...and yes..sometimes my head will hit the wall.  Apparently I also have a contagious laugh, so then other people start laughing, which in turn only makes me laugh more b/c I find their laughs to be contagious.  It then turns into one huge laughing fest.  And then..it gets awkward because it loses the funniness and all of a sudden it's quiet..but that awkward moment makes me laugh again so it's all just a circus. People who don't like laughter...don't really like me.

I remember a time in 4th grade where we had a laughing contest...oh yeah...guess who won?? As I sat there attempting so hard to make funny faces..Jackie, my classmate, ended up just blowing in my face and I had a laughing fit.  I could not stop laughing. I must have laughed for at least 3 minutes straight. Everybody got mad at me and was like "it's not that funny," but I found it to be hilarious..the fact that I put all that effort in...only for little effort to be put towards me.
Another time I remember is when I was up in the mountains last summer.  My friend Andy and I could not be in the same room meditating..b/c we'd just burst into laughter.  That was the best summer ever. I never laughed so much in my life. We were connected to the hip and just laughed and laughed...over nothing!!! Andy is by far the funniest person I know...I miss you Andy!  (I can't believe I don't have a picture of us). This is the best I can do!  Meet Andy everybody!!!

Thank you for reading!

Disordered eating patterns.

Last week, I came to a point in in therapy where I realized I was pretty confident with the DBT skills I  have learned.  With the help of writing about what I've learned, I pretty much had the skills memorized.  So...since I learned what the skills are and how to utilize them, it was time for me to move on to other problem areas of my life. 


My therapist mentioned to me awhile back about the Emotional Eating program the center offers.  Although I never thought I'd ever admit to having eating problems, I caved in.  At my family meeting a few weeks back, my mother brought up my eating habits to my therapist...and I know I have a problem....I've had a problem with eating for as long as I can remember.  As mentioned in my previous blogs, Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Pulling Petals, I talk about my problems with body image issues and with such issues comes poor eating habits.


The following is a brief overview of what emotional eating is:
Emotional eating is something that occurs in eating disorders...it's not really a disorder in of itself.  Most problems are prompted by feelings rather than physical hunger. Eating disorders have been connected with what's called alexithymia.  This is the inability to identify feelings as well as having difficulty discriminating between physical sensations and emotions.   People can also develop eating disorders when they try to escape or soothe an emotional experience by preoccupying themselves with food or obsessing over their shape and weight. 

 People who have disordered eating patterns tend to have high demands of themselves along with high levels of self awareness.  Since expectations are so high, they become increasingly aware of perceived inadequacies.  With this, people may either increase or decrease their eating as a result of distress.  Overall, binging and restricting food is used as a way to manage emotions.



I remember when I was young, probably around 8 or 9 and flushing food down the toilet. I'd stuff my mouth with food go to the bathroom spit it out and flush it...or I'd strategically stuff my chewed up food in my napkin then head to the bathroom and flush it all down. I don't know what it was..but I just didn't like food.  Candy, on the other hand, I loved.

In  high school, I'd sleep a lot to avoid eating.  My eating habits got worse in college..specifically my sophomore year.  I was on a eating plan that consisted of eating a plain bagel in the morning and a few pieces of lettuce and carrots for dinner. This went on a for a few months. Then I had a short lived purging phase.  I loved being 21 because I'd always get so drunk I'd puke...this meant losing weight...and although it sucked getting drunk and the hangover...seeing the numbers fall on the scale gave me a euphoric feeling.

Although this past summer I ate decently while being up on the mountain (after all...my purpose of moving there was to get healthy...and healthy food was provided 3 times a day), I remember the summer prior when I was lucky if I ate 1 meal a day.   I remember the days I'd go without having breakfast, hop on my bike and ride 10 miles to do housekeeping work for one my elderly ladies.  Most days while there, I would have a piece of toast..while on other days I'd make a turkey sandwich. I'd then ride 10 miles back to my other job where I'd prepare my disabled women I took care of with snacks and dinner...and still barely eat anything myself.  I don't know how I did it, but I did.


For the past two years, I'd partake in doing the Master Cleanse multiple times a year, which helped me lose weight..but made me look sick.  A lot of this had to do with the fact, that I didn't stick to this diet as one "should"...aka I'd ingest less than the recommended amount.  However, to me, I thought I looked healthier than ever.  To me..seeing bones meant beauty.

So, overall, throughout the years, I never had the greatest eating patterns. I was queen of skipping meals and stuffing my face with candy..especially chocolate to overcompensate for the missed meals..so not only was I a restricter, but a binger as well. It didn't help at all when I'd get depressed..which usually occurred around October and last till May.  Being depressed never helped because I'd stop eating (even chocolate)...1 meal a day would consider to be enough for me.  So with all of this... I was also queen of getting sick and ending up in the hospital a few times...surprise surprise.


So this week, I started on the emotional eating track.  When I arrive to therapy, there are 4 different types of food I pick to eat for the day, which includes fat, carbs, and protein.  Some examples of my breakfast include: oatmeal, cottage cheese, apple and a banana.  We are to eat every single item on this menu. We have from 9:30 to 10:15 to finish. If we don't finish...we have to stay for extended meal.  If we still don't finish with the extended meal, it will be marked in our chart and we meet with either the dietician or therapist.  For lunch, we then have a selected meal, which again is a requirement to finish.  The dietician then helps us select a meal plan for dinners.


The following is a brief overview of what emotional eating is:
Emotional eating is something that occurs in eating disorders...it's not a disorder in of itself.  Most problems are prompted by feelings rather than physical hunger. Eating disorders have been connected with what's called alexithymia.  This is the inability to identify feelings as well as having difficulty discriminating between physical sensations and emotions.   People can also develop eating disorders when they try to escape or soothe an emotional experience by preoccupying themselves with food or obsessing over their shape and weight. 

 People who have disordered eating patterns tend to have high demands of themselves along with high levels of self awareness.  Since expectations are so high, they become increasingly aware of perceived inadequacies which lead to feelings of inadequacy.  With this, people may either increase or decrease their eating as a result of distress.  Overall, binging and restricting food is used as a way to manage emotions.

In future posts, I write about any information in this program that I find helpful. 

Learning to say goodbye to my youth

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, which is really no surprise as this is a daily occurrence of mine.  It all starts with New Years, then my birthday..then tax season..then all other holidays where I am reminded of something from the past and the awful choices I've made that made a rippling effect to where I am today. (Especially when tax season comes around..I look at how much I made and how not even a single dime was saved...I find that to be one of the most painful of all).

So...this is my attempt to try to move on from it all.  With this post, I decided to write a letter to my past self..specifically my 17-25 year old self.  I decided to write about the disappointment I have from the decisions made back then.  I hope for what it's worth that this will allow me to get some of this heavy weight off of my shoulders.   I can no longer live with the pain from the past.

This is a painting I did in art therapy today.  The tornado represents my past.  The hopes is for the tornado to change course and not destroy the future.


The artwork below is a sculpture I made to represent the pain from the past and how it has affected my heart.  There are stab wounds caused by others around the heart, but the biggest wound of all is in the gouged center...and this represents the amount of abuse and self harm/pain I do to myself.  

Pain from the past sculpture. 

 
Dear Aoife from the past.

If I could be in your shoes all over again, I would have done EVERYTHING differently.  Currently, I'm trying to accept the fact that I can't change the past and the choices you made..so I'm writing this letter in hopes of coming to terms with it all.  Please be aware that what I'm about to tell you may seem hurtful...but I'd rather you know the truth of where your life headed than sugar coat it and make it some sort of fairytale. You believed in fairytales so much in the past- it is my duty to tell you to stop believing them.  You know the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side?" Well that was a lie....the grass is only greener where you water it.  

If I were in your shoes, I'd let go of the idea of ever wanting to be famous. I would have let go of the idea of ever wanting to be in Riverdance, of owning your own dancing school...of finding someone you would love forever...of moving far away...of finding a job you'd enjoy... of working hard to get into college...of getting into college...of being successful...of finding peace, happiness and joy.   Whatever dream you had back then was, I'm sorry to say.. but it was wasteful and unrealistic.  And the reason why is because: You never did become famous, you never did get into riverdance, you never did own your own dancing school, you never did find someone you'd love forever, you did move far away, but had to move back right back to the place you swore you never wanted to come back to, you never found a job you enjoyed...you worked hard to go to a school that sucked your soul right out of you ...you haven't found success and you still to this day have difficulty finding peace, happiness, and joy..(.even when medicated- it's difficult).  Your dreams were too unrealistic, too high..too... innocent.  Everything you thought was right..turned out to be wrong.  You thought you knew it all back then, but you knew nothing at all.    You were lost and confused and I understand what you were going through because 13 years later- you still remain the same.  Only difference is, you had passion, you had drive, you had motivation...you had hope.  Unfortunately, you grew into someone jaded, unhealthy, unmotivated and practically helpless and hopeless.  Maybe you wouldn't have given up so easily and I'm sorry to disappoint you..but I have.

At the age of 31-you will be looking for the same type of jobs you were doing when you were 12, 16, 24 years old..from babysitting to being a waitress to doing medical assisting.  You wasted 5 years of your life in an institution that did not care about the person you were...they only cared about the money you gave them to build some fancy new buildings.  You wasted money going to a 13 grand medical assisting school where you had to play teacher 80% of the time b/c the teachers you had were incompetent.  Worst part about all of this was that you could have gone to some other place for $500.  And that's painful to know the wasted time, blood, sweat, tears  and money you put into all of that. For what in return? Nothing but pieces of paper you wish you could burn.  A lot of people will say "Well at least you have a degree..." ....but, maybe I'm ignorant...I just don't see that as a positive.  What did your degree do for you when you became a Medical Assistant?? I didn't see any pay raises.  What did your degree do for you when you were laid off..and the only medical assistant with a degree?...you had a higher degree than the nurses you worked with and had more knowledge than they did...but none of that matters.  The truth is your degree did not do much for you and still to this day has not done much.  You would have gotten a lot farther in life had you gone an alternate route and got certificates.  But, what's done is done.  

Although at the time you were unaware of the affects these choices had on you..I'm here to let you know that the choices you made has caused a lot of pain and suffering.  You my dear friend, were mislead and I'm so sorry you were.  I would do anything to console you and tell you it would be okay, I'd do anything to be the mentor you were looking for...but unfortunately...I have to learn to be my own mentor now.  The choices of the past you made have affected my present today and it's so hard to make present decisions in fear of reliving the past all over again. I'm scared.

In any case, another year has come and gone...another year older...with no bragging rights...only shameful rights.  But it's not your fault.  You didn't know.  Life isn't really all cracked up to what's it "supposed" to be.  One thing I can applaud you for is not having a child..not exposing an innocent spirit to a world of greed.

You did the best with the knowledge you had at the time, which wasn't really much...but you tried.  What I hope to do here on out is to maybe mentor children and young adults.  It's just a totally different world now than when it was for you growing up so I'm not sure how much your experiences will benefit others.  My hope is that others don't fall into the same trap as you did...by going to college. For you only gain knowledge  of what debt is and what it's like to make someone else's wallet fatter.  Say NO to institutions.  They steal your soul. 

Just remember, you did the best you did.  I understand that it was hard for you to follow your gut feeling due to many insecurities.  I learned from you to follow that gut feeling here on out.  I have to give you a lot of credit for being the greatest teacher of all. You're teaching skills however, have gotten way out of control.

Now...please, let go.  It's time to say goodbye.  I lay you down to rest in peace.

The core of the onion

A little over a month ago, I decided to embark on the DBT journey...with help, of course, from my therapist.   And within the month time span, I've written a few posts on unhealthy behaviors  to decrease and the DBT skills used to help with that.   If you haven't done so already or would like a refresher course on the skills, please refer to the following:
Distress Tolerance   skills used for decreasing impulsive behaviors.
Emotion Regulation  skills used for decreasing emotional instability
Interpersonal Effectiveness  skills used for decreasing interpersonal chaos.

 

Now that I have peeled the onion layer by layer, I am at my onion's core.  The core here represents my confusion of self, aka identity crisis, and cognitive dysregulation.

Confusion of self consists of what we call in DBT...the "W's."  These are the  Who am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? Why am I living?  What are my needs? What are my values?...type of questions. It's these questions that would consume my mind on a daily basis...practically 24/7. 



I wrote two posts that went over cognitive dysregulation, aka distorted thinking.   (In  A therapist's dream....., I go over the common distorted thoughts and I explain how to change those thought patterns in Undoing the Stinkin' Thinkin'   It's important to review these distorted thought patterns so you become aware of what you think).  Being aware of what you think allows you  to know yourself better.   After all, Buddha even said..."All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What you think you become."  So if you are looking to change and become a healthier minded person, before even figuring out how to do so, you need to become aware of what to change and it starts with the way you think.  So, once you are aware/mindful of your thoughts, you can then work on changing them, which in return will allow you, as a whole, to change.

 So by now you may have realized that in order to decrease the confusion of self and cognitive dysregulation behavior, we need to increase our mindfulness skills. For those of you who may still be confused as to what mindfulness is, this is the definition:  Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing your awareness on the present moment, while observing one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. With mindfulness you learn to take control of your mind, rather than giving your mind the power to control you.    In order to control our minds, we need to understand the 3 states of mind, as well as the 3 "What" and   "How" skills.

In DBT, we are taught that there are 3 states of mind:  Reasonable, Emotional and Wise Mind.


The reasonable mind, which is all about the facts is very left brained.  When in this mindset, we think logically and see things as they truly are.  Reasonable minds question...what are the facts of the situation (what, where, who, etc)? What happened exactly?

 Then we have the emotional mind, which many people who are sensitive tend to be in most.  Emotional people=emotional mind.  As some of you may know, emotional mind is very right brained.  Emotional mind is made up of raw emotions (feelings) and emotion-driven thoughts.  In this mindset, we tend to see things and think things based on how we're feeling, which often gets us in trouble because we allow our emotions to control us. For example when we are feeling depressed, we are going to experience depressive thoughts and see everything as depressing.  This is just how the emotional mind works.  Emotional minds question: What am I feeling? How strong is the emotion? What am I afraid of? Based solely on the emotion what would I do?


 Now...when you mesh both minds together you get...DING DING DING...WISE MIND!  yay!!!


Wise mind helps us make sense of our thoughts and feelings and helps us come up with a balanced and wise response so that the needs of both reasonable mind (what I should do) and emotional mind (what I want to do) are met. Some people who do not understand emotional people may question why a wise mind is even needed considering the fact that the reasonable mind is obviously the correct way to think.  The reason for the this (and I hope this makes sense) is because it is extremely hard for a highly sensitive/emotional person to just think rationally...it's near impossible because then we would be neglecting our emotional mind.   Wise mind allows our emotions to be soothed and validated as we accept the rational mind's way of thinking.

Overall, our wise mind is the inner part of us that just "knows" what is true or valid (knowing the facts are true, but also knowing our feelings are true as well).  Wise mind tells us to "Stop! Take a breath." It asks us to also find out what's the bigger picture and what is going to be the best response to the situation? What will be the most helpful and effective, all things considered?
I found the following site to be very helpful in giving great examples of all 3 states of minds and the thinking process.  Have a look and this will help you understand why wise mind is the important mindset to be in!!  Example 

 Now that we understand what wise mind is...we can now move on to the other skills needed to become more mindful. 
The following are "What" we need to do in order to control our minds and to achieve wise mind: Observe, Describe, Participate.

1) Observe:

• Observing is all about simply quieting the mind and noticing the experiences/thoughts/feelings without putting words or judgements on anything.   In order to observe, it is best to use the metaphor of having a "Teflon mind." This means accepting and allowing experiences, feelings, and thoughts to come into your mind and slide right out.  It's about not having anything "stick" to you.  There is no attachment to anything when observing.  It's just simply watching your thoughts come and go like clouds in the sky.  Noticing your feelings rise and fall, come in and out just like waves in the ocean.  While observing, you do NOT want to cling on or push away any thought or emotion.   Experience exactly what is happening in the moment...notice what comes through your senses. What do your eyes see, your ears hear, your nose smell, your skin feel, and your tongue tastes? 

The "Teflon Mind"

The "Non-Teflon" Mind

  

2) Describe: 

• Describing is using words to represent what you observed.  A lot of times, our thoughts and emotions can be confused with facts. Because of this, it is important to observe thoughts and feelings and describe a thought as just a thought and a feeling as just a feeling.
• Describing is also about welcoming and accepting the thoughts, experiences/feelings.   For example: if you feel anger you can say to your mind "Why hello there anger." You can also ask angry how it is feeling today...which the response will be "angry."  You can also then say "I'm sorry to hear that"...OR...you can ignore everything I just said and just say in your mind "I am feeling anger." "The thought of wanting to ask how anger is doing has come into my mind." These are facts.

3) Participate: 

• To participate means to let yourself get involved in the moment; become one with your experience, thought, and/or feeling.  Remember to use the skills to tolerate and handle whatever the experience, thought, and/or feeling is.  The more you practice the skills for any of the behaviors, the more they become a part of you. The more the skills become a part of you, the more likely the behaviors will decrease.  
• For example: I've observed the feeling and described the feeling as anger.  Now that I have been able to describe what it is exactly I am feeling, I can think to myself "What zone am I in with my anger? Am I in the Red zone- where I'm about to explode and need to use distress tolerance skills or am I in my blue zone, where I need to use my emotional regulation skills?"  From this I can then participate in whichever skill that my wise mind thinks is necessary. 

Overall, in order to improve things we use the observing and describing skills.   

 (You can use the following as a practice of the Observe and Describe Skill:
Just notice something without putting words to it.
What was I trying to observe or be mindful of? For how long?
When did I notice my mind wandering? Where to? How many times?
What (if anything) made it easy to control my attention?
What if anything made it difficult to control my attention?)

 

Observing and describing allows us then to participate.   Participating is being active: It's walking the walk; it's using the skills to change the unhealthy behavior.

**It is important to practice the "What" skills on a daily basis with everything we do..whether it is brushing teeth, eating, working out.  Striving to be mindful, keeps you in the present...it keeps the weeds from overgrowing and destroying the rest of your beautiful garden.

So...now that we went over "What" to do to practice being mindful, we can now figure out "How" to approach our "What" skills.  

"How" skills are: non judgmentally, one-mindfully, and effectively.

1) Non-judgmentally

• In order to gain more insight of the world around us, we base everything on fact. (We see but not evaluate the thought, feeling, experience). For example: if there is a purple wall...you'll state that "there is a purple wall"...not a "pretty purple wall"...just "a purple wall." Abstain from using words like "good" or "bad," the "terrible" or "wonderful,"  "should" or "should not," "pretty" or "ugly." Be aware that we can get caught up sometimes believing judgements are true.  Basically, you want to unglue your opinions from facts. 
•  Another important note is to not judge your judging.  For example saying something like "what's wrong with me for saying something so stupid like that"  is judging a judgement. This does nothing but waste time, is ineffective and leads to constant negativity.
• Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that as humans we have been conditioned to make judgements.  To become non-judgmental takes a lot of practice. Be patient and kind. Be aware of what thoughts are judgmental.
• To practice being less judgmental figure out what the judgements were.
• Ask yourself: "How did I feel as a result of this judgement?  Why did I use this judgement? Was it away to 1) describe consequences 2)compare something to standard of ideal  or 3) get out of responsibility?
• Focus now on using the non-judgemental stance: This is when you observe and describe the situation that prompted your judgement. State just the facts.

2) One-mindfully

• Being one-mindfully means focusing on doing one thing at a time and with all of your attention.  For example: when you are eating, eat.  When you are walking, walk. When you are bathing, bathe.  Turn the mind to what you are doing right now. 
• In today's society, however, it is tricky to be one-mindfully especially when it comes to work. You and I, as well as many other people know that in America and in many other places...work requires multitasking. However, it is possible to multitask and be one-mindfully...the key is to prioritize.  When things are prioritized, you can work more efficiently and effectively while focusing on one thing at a time. So overall, it's about prioritizing and using time management skills.  
•  If you get distracted whether it's at work or not, let go of the distraction and go back to what you are doing...turn the mind.  Remember not to judge yourself and beat yourself up for getting distracted. It's natural to get distracted.  Even dogs do it...have you seen the movie "UP"??    (Pop quiz...turning the mind is used as what other skill?  If you don't know..don't worry..the answer is provided at the bottom of the page)

3) Effectively

• Focus on what works.  Do what needs to be done in each situation.  Stay away from "fair," and "unfair," "right" and "wrong," "should" and "shouldn't." Remember...those are judgements.     
• Act as skillfully as you can. Meet the needs of the situation you are currently in and not the situation you wish you were in. Focus, focus, focus. 
• Keep an eye on your objectives in the situation and do what is necessary to achieve them.
• Let go of vengeance, useless anger, and righteousness that hurts you and doesn't work.  
• Ask questions such as 
• "Is that a judgement?"  
• "Would I rather be right or happy?"  (Remember that 'right' is a judgement and 'happy' is a feeling- feelings are truth; judgements are not facts."
• Ask for help!

 

 Lastly, the other ways to increase mindfulness:

Remind yourself to keep calm and carry on. 

Decide what YOU stand for and then stand for it. 

Find YOUR purpose in life by listening to YOUR wise mind

Vow to treat others well. 

Plan for the future, but live in the present. 

Strive to become better each and every day

Have faith in your abilities

Cherish the good times

Love YOURSELF deeply

Be Compassionate towards YOURSELF

Pop quiz answer: Distress Tolerance!!! If you got that right..give yourself a big hug!!!!  If you got it wrong...still give yourself a big hug!!!! 


Trust me...I know a lot of what I wrote is easier said than done..the positive in this is that it can be done!! All it takes is ONE step...it takes being aware/being mindful. After that step..is another step! One step at a time!  


Thank you for reading!
 Please share if you found this helpful..spread the knowledge! 



Information provided in this blog is based on Marsha Linehan's work.